I was doing so well with my new life style changes and then all of the sudden I hit a wall. I don't even know what when wrong. I was in such a good mood and then wham I started getting depressed.
When I say I don't know what went wrong that isn't really true. I started thinking and thinking is rarely a good thing for me. I started thinking about what it means to open up to things, people, and God. It overwhelms me. I tried to accept a long time ago that certain things weren't in the cards for me. Like marriage and a family. I told myself that I didn't want it, but the truth is I do want it. A family is really the only true thing I've ever wanted, but I'm afraid that I'll never have it. I'm scared to want things that may never happen. I've been alone most of my life and I really don't want to be alone for the rest of it.
I think a big reason I don't think it will ever happen is because as much as I rationalize why my parents weren't part of my life or why my grandparents could never accept me, I keep hearing my grandma say if you get the same results over and over look at what you are doing to cause it. My fear is that it wasn't their issues that made them leave or not care the way they should have. My fear is that it was because there is something wrong with me. What if I open myself up to people and lose weight and find out that I have some character defect that people don't like?
I know in my head that this isn't rational but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to be open to people. Just last week I thought I was making good progress and then when I was thinking about going to Church I thought, "This would be easier if I didn't know anybody." I'm proud of the fact that I'm independent but I think I take it to the extreme. I don't know how to let people in. Sure I can on a surface level but on any true meaningful level? Nope.
