I was thinking I should create a second blog to share my less personal thoughts because lets be honest this blog contains my very real thoughts and struggles. I don't hold back and it is very uncomfortable for me to let people this far into my head.
As I thought about it I realized that, you know what, this is who I am. I have struggles, I have fears, I have doubts, I am sad, and I am human. The things I have struggled with in the past, the things I currently struggle with, and the things I will struggle with are not unique to me. Yes, I've thought about suicide, I have self esteem issues, I have self worth issues, and I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in this world, but I'm also learning and growing.
I have hope, I have joy, I have dreams, I have wants, I am happy, and I'm at peace. This is me. I am no longer ashamed of where I've been. I'm no longer ashamed of who I am. Every word I have written is true. Every word I have written is real. These are the things I chose to hide. These are the things I chose to bury. These are the things I choose to set free.
Yes, it is uncomfortable, but this is me. This is who I am.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
With Great Appreciation of How Far I've Come
Today for the first time I really truly appreciated how far I have come in the last 9 months. When I look back on where I was in October of 2010 when I first saw the cardiologist I really can't believe that was me, that was my life. I was literally killing myself. I had high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, my resting heart rate was above 100, my back hurt so bad at times I could barely move, I rarely got up, I hardly ever cooked or cleaned, I slept a lot and even more on the weekends. I was feeling miserable. I was so unhealthy and I felt every bit of it. It hurt to stand for more than five minutes at a time and forget about exercise. I ate fast food almost every night and could feel how much my weight effected my breathing. I didn't want to live.
It's amazing how stunned I was when the cardiologist said that I failed my stress test. I mean it shouldn't have come to a surprise to anyone least of all me. I knew I was doing serious damage to myself and I didn't care. I didn't know how to care. I had the biggest struggle of my life from October until June of 2011 both mentally and physically. I think I had to go through that to actually change. I don't think I would have been able to succeed had I not been introduced to the church. I knew I was lost but I didn't know how to fix my life. I thought it was hopeless and that God couldn't possibly love me.
I know that it isn't a coincidence that my life turned around and got amazingly better after I learned how to have a relationship with God. The weird thing is always knew that was how I was going to fix what was broken but I had no idea how to do it. I'm so grateful every day to Patrick for taking the time to talk to me and tell me about his beliefs. I searched a lot of different churches but never felt like they were right. I didn't think I had anything to lose by hearing him out and then by listening to the missionaries but I didn't think I'd ever, ever join the lds church. I was a shocked as anyone that I found what I had been missing with the church. Life is so totally and completely different now.
Now, my heart feels strong. I'm learning how to cook. I drink plenty of water. I exercise quite often because I like to, not because I have to. I can stand in the kitchen and cut vegetables, wash dishes, and clean up with no pain. I just overall feel healthy. Best of all I feel happy, I feel joy, and I feel peace. I had never felt that way before. It's such an amazing feeling to wake up and my heart feels happy. I remember too many days waking up and my heart felt broken.
It's truly not about the number on the scale. I'm happy, I'm healthy - this is what all of this has been about. I felt that God had a plan for my life that my lifestyle was getting in the way of. When I look back at some of my old post it is very clear that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm moving forward and eventually the scale will catch up. What I've been doing the last 9 months is fixing what was broken inside of me which is way more important than any number on the scale. I feel confident for the first time in my life. Yes, I still have my moments of being insecure but that is to be expected. Everything can't be fixed overnight. I will struggle, I will stumble but as long as I keep moving forward that is all that matters.
I'm hoping maybe now that I see how far I have come it will help me be more at peace with where I am and allow me to keep moving forward to where God is leading me.
It's amazing how stunned I was when the cardiologist said that I failed my stress test. I mean it shouldn't have come to a surprise to anyone least of all me. I knew I was doing serious damage to myself and I didn't care. I didn't know how to care. I had the biggest struggle of my life from October until June of 2011 both mentally and physically. I think I had to go through that to actually change. I don't think I would have been able to succeed had I not been introduced to the church. I knew I was lost but I didn't know how to fix my life. I thought it was hopeless and that God couldn't possibly love me.
I know that it isn't a coincidence that my life turned around and got amazingly better after I learned how to have a relationship with God. The weird thing is always knew that was how I was going to fix what was broken but I had no idea how to do it. I'm so grateful every day to Patrick for taking the time to talk to me and tell me about his beliefs. I searched a lot of different churches but never felt like they were right. I didn't think I had anything to lose by hearing him out and then by listening to the missionaries but I didn't think I'd ever, ever join the lds church. I was a shocked as anyone that I found what I had been missing with the church. Life is so totally and completely different now.
Now, my heart feels strong. I'm learning how to cook. I drink plenty of water. I exercise quite often because I like to, not because I have to. I can stand in the kitchen and cut vegetables, wash dishes, and clean up with no pain. I just overall feel healthy. Best of all I feel happy, I feel joy, and I feel peace. I had never felt that way before. It's such an amazing feeling to wake up and my heart feels happy. I remember too many days waking up and my heart felt broken.
It's truly not about the number on the scale. I'm happy, I'm healthy - this is what all of this has been about. I felt that God had a plan for my life that my lifestyle was getting in the way of. When I look back at some of my old post it is very clear that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm moving forward and eventually the scale will catch up. What I've been doing the last 9 months is fixing what was broken inside of me which is way more important than any number on the scale. I feel confident for the first time in my life. Yes, I still have my moments of being insecure but that is to be expected. Everything can't be fixed overnight. I will struggle, I will stumble but as long as I keep moving forward that is all that matters.
I'm hoping maybe now that I see how far I have come it will help me be more at peace with where I am and allow me to keep moving forward to where God is leading me.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Remembering Sasha
One year ago I had to make the difficult decision to put my baby, my cat Sasha to sleep. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I had no idea when I took the mean nasty cat home from the shelter she would turn into the most loving, most affectionate lap cat I'd ever met.
When I saw Sasha in the shelter she sat up and meow at me and of course I was like awwww she's so cute! Then I picked her up and she BIT ME! WT...The worker explained she had issues and not to put my hand in front of her face. I know most people would probably take another one without issues, but it made me want her even more. I didn't think anyone else would take her so I decided she was the cat for me.
I got her home and found out she had far more "issues" than I was led to believe. The first night I let her sleep on my bed and she attacked me in my sleep. So began our fear/hate relationship - I feared her and she hated me.
This went on for a few months until one day she bit me and I picked her up and put her right up to my face and told her she could make us both miserable but I wasn't getting rid of her. Of course cats don't understand English, so yeah that didn't help at all, but it did give me the idea to call my aunt. My aunt would always go on and on about these class she was taking which basically would help animals with behavioral problems work out there issues. I always thought it was a little strange but I was desperate so I called her. Luckily she had a friend who lived in Phoenix who came out to see Sasha. This lady could barely get close to Sasha. She fought her with everything she said but finally the lady was able to pin her to the ground and worked her magic. I can't explain it and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it but Sasha was a completely different cat after 1 session with this lady. It took me months not to jump every time Sasha turned her head but she became the most loving lap cat I've ever had.
We had almost 7 good years together and it broke my heart to have to put her to sleep. I think she knew and she was trying to make me feel better. When we were waiting for the doctor to come check her out at the emergency vets she was pacing and wouldn't sit still for anything. After I made the decision to put her to sleep, of course I was crying my eyes out, but she jumped up on the table, laid down in front of me and started purring. I kept telling her I over and over again that I was so sorry and she just laid there purring away as if she were telling me that it was okay and she understood that I loved her. Then the doctor gave her the injection and she was gone.
I never really appreciated how much of a presence she was until I walked into my place, sat down, and there was nobody to greet me. She left a huge void in my life. The place felt so empty without her. I didn't think anything could fill that void but much to my surprise Oscar, my other cat, was up to the challenge. I think Oscar was just biding her time waiting patiently to be top cat. She wasn't a people cat at all - she had no use for me before Sasha died. I'd try to hold her and she'd just run away from me - little brat. I don't think it was even two days after Sasha died that she started coming around wanting attention. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better because I did a lot of crying but she wouldn't leave me alone. I remember thinking it will never be the same, you're not Sasha. Of course then I felt bad for loving Sasha more, but now I can't imagine life without her. I still miss Sasha but I'm grateful for the almost 7 years we had together.
When I saw Sasha in the shelter she sat up and meow at me and of course I was like awwww she's so cute! Then I picked her up and she BIT ME! WT...The worker explained she had issues and not to put my hand in front of her face. I know most people would probably take another one without issues, but it made me want her even more. I didn't think anyone else would take her so I decided she was the cat for me.
I got her home and found out she had far more "issues" than I was led to believe. The first night I let her sleep on my bed and she attacked me in my sleep. So began our fear/hate relationship - I feared her and she hated me.
This went on for a few months until one day she bit me and I picked her up and put her right up to my face and told her she could make us both miserable but I wasn't getting rid of her. Of course cats don't understand English, so yeah that didn't help at all, but it did give me the idea to call my aunt. My aunt would always go on and on about these class she was taking which basically would help animals with behavioral problems work out there issues. I always thought it was a little strange but I was desperate so I called her. Luckily she had a friend who lived in Phoenix who came out to see Sasha. This lady could barely get close to Sasha. She fought her with everything she said but finally the lady was able to pin her to the ground and worked her magic. I can't explain it and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it but Sasha was a completely different cat after 1 session with this lady. It took me months not to jump every time Sasha turned her head but she became the most loving lap cat I've ever had.
We had almost 7 good years together and it broke my heart to have to put her to sleep. I think she knew and she was trying to make me feel better. When we were waiting for the doctor to come check her out at the emergency vets she was pacing and wouldn't sit still for anything. After I made the decision to put her to sleep, of course I was crying my eyes out, but she jumped up on the table, laid down in front of me and started purring. I kept telling her I over and over again that I was so sorry and she just laid there purring away as if she were telling me that it was okay and she understood that I loved her. Then the doctor gave her the injection and she was gone.
I never really appreciated how much of a presence she was until I walked into my place, sat down, and there was nobody to greet me. She left a huge void in my life. The place felt so empty without her. I didn't think anything could fill that void but much to my surprise Oscar, my other cat, was up to the challenge. I think Oscar was just biding her time waiting patiently to be top cat. She wasn't a people cat at all - she had no use for me before Sasha died. I'd try to hold her and she'd just run away from me - little brat. I don't think it was even two days after Sasha died that she started coming around wanting attention. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better because I did a lot of crying but she wouldn't leave me alone. I remember thinking it will never be the same, you're not Sasha. Of course then I felt bad for loving Sasha more, but now I can't imagine life without her. I still miss Sasha but I'm grateful for the almost 7 years we had together.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Yikes!!!
Ok, someone suggested I use all or part of the testimony I gave last Sunday in church on my Mormon.org profile. Yeah, that's not sitting too well with me because
How the gospel has changed my life. The gospel has given me two things, I can with all honesty say, I had never had before - peace and hope. President Smith talked about people who where discouraged, those who were in darkness, those who questioned the purpose of their being, and that was me. I had no hope that things could be better. The only thing I ever wanted was to feel a sense of peace, that my life wasn't a mistake, that I had the right to exist in this world and I had never felt that. I always somehow knew that God was how I was going to find peace, but I had no idea how to have a relationship with him. I searched many different churches and always came away with the same feeling of despair that it wasn't right. I thought maybe it was me. Maybe I wasn't capable of letting God into my life, but then I was introduced to the Book of Mormon. I don't remember what I was reading in the Book of Mormon but I do remember when I felt that calmness for the first time. I knew instantly when I had felt it, that feeling was what I had been looking for. The difference I would liken to being in the middle of a raging storm where you're just struggling to survive and then all of the sudden the storm breaks and everything is just calm and still. That feeling of calmness has gotten stronger and it has given me hope for the first time that there is a reason that I'm here and that my life wasn't a mistake. That is how I know that this church is true.
How the gospel has changed my life. The gospel has given me two things, I can with all honesty say, I had never had before - peace and hope. President Smith talked about people who where discouraged, those who were in darkness, those who questioned the purpose of their being, and that was me. I had no hope that things could be better. The only thing I ever wanted was to feel a sense of peace, that my life wasn't a mistake, that I had the right to exist in this world and I had never felt that. I always somehow knew that God was how I was going to find peace, but I had no idea how to have a relationship with him. I searched many different churches and always came away with the same feeling of despair that it wasn't right. I thought maybe it was me. Maybe I wasn't capable of letting God into my life, but then I was introduced to the Book of Mormon. I don't remember what I was reading in the Book of Mormon but I do remember when I felt that calmness for the first time. I knew instantly when I had felt it, that feeling was what I had been looking for. The difference I would liken to being in the middle of a raging storm where you're just struggling to survive and then all of the sudden the storm breaks and everything is just calm and still. That feeling of calmness has gotten stronger and it has given me hope for the first time that there is a reason that I'm here and that my life wasn't a mistake. That is how I know that this church is true.
Prayer and Unwavering Faith
Today's lesson in the gospel principle's class was on prayer. On the surface it seems straight forward, you thank God for all of the blessings in your life, you seek His guidance, pray for your friends and neighbors, and even those you do not like. However, when I was sitting there listening to everyone talk about what they've prayed for I realized I'm holding back on my prayers. I have no problem asking God to watch over friends and family that are going through struggles, and some of them have some pretty big struggles, however I keep what I ask for at the surface level. I pray about the irritations of life from day to day, which don't get me wrong are things worth praying about but when it comes down to what I struggle with to the core of my being, I don't pray about those things.
It strikes me as odd that the things I struggle most with are the things that I haven't prayed about. Yes, I have prayed about related things. Things that are an extension of my bigger struggles but never the big things. I wonder why that is. Is it because I don't trust that God will help me overcome these struggles? Is it that I don't think I deserve God's help with these struggles? Why won't I talk to Him about the things that matter most?
Today, there were a few things in the Relief Society lesson on Joseph Smith regarding prayer that stood out to me even though I'd heard one of those things many times before. First, that it was natural for Joseph to seek the lord and go to him in the proper spirit. The second, the one I've heard time and again, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." This was the spirit in which Joseph Smith prayed to God and asked him for guidance as to which church was true. He expected the receive an answer. I am in awe of the strength of his believe that if he just sincerely prayed he would reason an answer. I think that fact that I am amazed by the strength of his faith is the reason I still have trouble praying to God about the big stuff. Isn't it the ultimate show of faith that you turn your biggest struggles over to Him and believe without a doubt that He can help you overcome them. I wish I had Joseph Smith's unwavering faith.
When I think about this, I think it comes down to trust for me. I absoluetly trust that with God all things are possible but I don't trust that 'I' am worthy His help. I guess this is where I need to show Him my faith. There are a couple of verses in Alma Chapter 32 that comes to mind that talks about faith. They are verse 21, 22, and 27, "21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are no seen, which are true. 22 And now, behold, I say unto you, and I would that ye should remember, that God is merciful unto all who believe on his name; therefore he desireth, in the first place, that ye should believe, yea, even on his word....27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculities, even to an experiement upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."
Really the entire chapter 32 in Alma means a lot to me but these particular three verses speak the most to me because I do struggle with faith and believing (trusting) in God. To me this is saying that he knows that not everyone can have the unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had always known and that is okay. He says that it's okay if you only desire to believe. Later on in this chaper it talks about how that desire to believe is like a seed and you have to nurture it and let it grow. I think that is where I am. I think I started with a little more than a desire to believe, I did believe, but now I think I'm learning to trust that belief.
I think it's easy for me to ask God to help my friend's and family with their struggles because I know I can not control their struggles but I still have that like death grip on my struggles. If I let them go who knows where it's going to lead me? God knows, but to give Him control scares me. I picture myself standing on a tight rope with God on the other side with His feet firmly planted on the ground reaching out his hand and I'm afraid to take it because I'm afraid I'll fall. I can clearly see him patiently waiting for me to take his hand, I just have to take it.
I tend to get impatient with myself because I wish I didn't struggle with these things. I wish I had that unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had but I also have to remind myself that I'm still learning. That seed is still growing and if I continue to push myself to have more faith and to pray a little deeper I will continue to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God.
It strikes me as odd that the things I struggle most with are the things that I haven't prayed about. Yes, I have prayed about related things. Things that are an extension of my bigger struggles but never the big things. I wonder why that is. Is it because I don't trust that God will help me overcome these struggles? Is it that I don't think I deserve God's help with these struggles? Why won't I talk to Him about the things that matter most?
Today, there were a few things in the Relief Society lesson on Joseph Smith regarding prayer that stood out to me even though I'd heard one of those things many times before. First, that it was natural for Joseph to seek the lord and go to him in the proper spirit. The second, the one I've heard time and again, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." This was the spirit in which Joseph Smith prayed to God and asked him for guidance as to which church was true. He expected the receive an answer. I am in awe of the strength of his believe that if he just sincerely prayed he would reason an answer. I think that fact that I am amazed by the strength of his faith is the reason I still have trouble praying to God about the big stuff. Isn't it the ultimate show of faith that you turn your biggest struggles over to Him and believe without a doubt that He can help you overcome them. I wish I had Joseph Smith's unwavering faith.
When I think about this, I think it comes down to trust for me. I absoluetly trust that with God all things are possible but I don't trust that 'I' am worthy His help. I guess this is where I need to show Him my faith. There are a couple of verses in Alma Chapter 32 that comes to mind that talks about faith. They are verse 21, 22, and 27, "21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are no seen, which are true. 22 And now, behold, I say unto you, and I would that ye should remember, that God is merciful unto all who believe on his name; therefore he desireth, in the first place, that ye should believe, yea, even on his word....27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculities, even to an experiement upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."
Really the entire chapter 32 in Alma means a lot to me but these particular three verses speak the most to me because I do struggle with faith and believing (trusting) in God. To me this is saying that he knows that not everyone can have the unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had always known and that is okay. He says that it's okay if you only desire to believe. Later on in this chaper it talks about how that desire to believe is like a seed and you have to nurture it and let it grow. I think that is where I am. I think I started with a little more than a desire to believe, I did believe, but now I think I'm learning to trust that belief.
I think it's easy for me to ask God to help my friend's and family with their struggles because I know I can not control their struggles but I still have that like death grip on my struggles. If I let them go who knows where it's going to lead me? God knows, but to give Him control scares me. I picture myself standing on a tight rope with God on the other side with His feet firmly planted on the ground reaching out his hand and I'm afraid to take it because I'm afraid I'll fall. I can clearly see him patiently waiting for me to take his hand, I just have to take it.
I tend to get impatient with myself because I wish I didn't struggle with these things. I wish I had that unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had but I also have to remind myself that I'm still learning. That seed is still growing and if I continue to push myself to have more faith and to pray a little deeper I will continue to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Moving Forward By Putting the Pieces Together
Over the past nine months I have been learning the tools to have a happy, healthy, successful life and now I feel it is time to put what I've learned together and progress.
What do I want to achieve?
Short term my one focus is to turn my good weeks into a good month. I can be productive, positive, and focused but it only seems to last a couple of weeks until I lose focus so I want to build that into a month.
What have I learned that will help me achieve this goal?
The big thing I've learned is that I have to be proactive in making sure my mood stays positive and I do that through my actions. The specific things I need to do to achieve this goal are:
What do I want to achieve?
Short term my one focus is to turn my good weeks into a good month. I can be productive, positive, and focused but it only seems to last a couple of weeks until I lose focus so I want to build that into a month.
What have I learned that will help me achieve this goal?
The big thing I've learned is that I have to be proactive in making sure my mood stays positive and I do that through my actions. The specific things I need to do to achieve this goal are:
- Read the scriptures - the scriptures calm me when I'm anxious and overwhelmed
- Pray - Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
- Think positive - finding and posting positive quotes helps me with this as does listening to christian music
- Set daily goals
- ACCOMPLISH daily goals
- Remember that it's ok not to be perfect. I'm human, I'm going to screw up. I'm going to make mistakes. That is ok. It's what I do with those mistakes. I can't let little mistakes derail my progress.
- Cook - this one is a big struggle for me. It's not my favorite thing to do and I tend to get lazy and start eating out. This causes me to get down on myself and starts that downward spiral. When I cook I feel better because I'm eating better.
- Clean - mess stresses me out. My mind feels free when everything is clean.
- Be productive at work and at home. This is one part setting goals and one part accomplishing those goals.
- Take things one step at a time. I do well when I take things as they come by day. I need to not get ahead of myself. I need to set the goals I want to accomplish the night before because I know the ultimate goal is to have a good productive, positive, progressive month - these are the steps that are going to achieve that goal.
- Food Log - I need to write down what I'm eating so I can keep myself in check.
- Eat every three hours
- Reach my water daily. I achieve this by hitting my water goals during the day.
- Exercise but don't over do it
- Work on stretching.
- Recognize and write down my successes. Let go of my failures.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Unfinished Business.....Finished.
The 14th anniversary of the car accident that took my mom and step dad's life is coming up on April 14th. I will never forget that day. It was traumatic. I was the one who got the phone call that my mom had died. I can actually feel the panic I felt when I asked the guy on the phone about my sister and he didn't know where she was. I can still see the look on my grandpa's face when he found out and then having to go tell my aunt and older sister and watch them fall apart was hard.
I didn't really feel much of anything when my mom died. I felt heartless. People would say you must care she is your mother. I cared because my sister Carrie lost her mom and dad and I felt horrible for her, but I didn't really know my mom. How can you be upset about someone you barely knew? What I've learned in the almost 14 years since is it wasn't that simple. When my mom left I was hurt and angry at her but somewhere along the way I had to bury that hurt to survive. I remember sitting in Mrs. Parker's class in 5th grade. My mom had come to visit from South Carolina and had left that morning to go back home. As I was sitting in class I just started bawling. I missed her so much and I didn't want her to leave. I was so embarrassed I swore I'd never cry over her again - and I didn't for 10+ years. Unfortunately this also was the turning point in my relationship with God. I couldn't shut off my feelings for her and be open to God. Plus I blamed God. What was so wrong with me that neither of my parents wanted me? Why would God want me to be alone?
I shut off my feelings for her so completely that when she died I couldn't feel anything for her. I felt like I was heartless. Who doesn't care that your mom died? It's interesting because as young when I decided I had to stop caring about her I knew that having a relationship with God would prevent me from shutting down those feelings. I experienced how true that was a few months ago when I started praying and talking to God again. It felt like a dam broke. I had all of these feels that I had no idea what to do with. I had glimpse of this before when I attempted to lose weight. I didn't really understand it but when I would try to lose weight I'd get so angry, depressed, and suicidal. I had a counselor tell me I had like a script about my mom. She was young, she didn't know how to handle kids, it wasn't her fault. By the counselor said I had no feelings attached to what I was saying.
After I started praying and asking God to help me I got these overwhelming feelings of angry and sadness when I thought about my mom. I finally felt. I didn't care what her excuse for leaving was. She walked away and I was angry at her for doing that. I was angry at her for dying and leaving things unfinished. I was angry at her for there even being a question of whether or not she ever cared about me. I was sad because I would never have a relationship with her. I would never get the chance to know her. I was sad because she was my mom and I loved her so much and she walked away.
I had almost a week where I felt as if she had just died. I've read that you get stuck in the grieving process is you don't go through all of the stages and from what I had experienced I would say that is true. I was never afraid of my feelings as I had been in the past. I knew that it would be ok. It actually felt like a weight had been lifted. I started remembering good things about her and I feel like I was finally able to forgive her.
My aunt (my mom's sister) recently told me that my mom never wanted my sister and I after she and my dad got divorced - she just wanted the money she could get out of my dad and grandparents if she had us. At first I was really hurt by this because it was what I had always feared my mom didn't really love me, but then I thought about it. While it's true I didn't really know her, I believe she was a good person. I believe that she had her issues that she didn't know how to deal with. I don't believe my aunt is correct. I believe that my mom was flawed but she did love me. My aunt has her own issues with my mom so I can't really trust her take on things. It was interesting because when my aunt started talking about my mom I felt something I never felt before - protective. How dare my aunt say such horrible things?! You can do wrong things and still be a good person and I do believe that my mom was a good person.
I feel sad when I think of her but now it's for what will never be. I miss her now more than I ever have. I will never know what it's like to have a mother. It's hard because I see all of these other people with their mothers and I want that, however I am grateful that I finally got to a place of forgiveness with her.
When I think about her I also can't help but wonder about the guy who caused the accident...
I didn't really feel much of anything when my mom died. I felt heartless. People would say you must care she is your mother. I cared because my sister Carrie lost her mom and dad and I felt horrible for her, but I didn't really know my mom. How can you be upset about someone you barely knew? What I've learned in the almost 14 years since is it wasn't that simple. When my mom left I was hurt and angry at her but somewhere along the way I had to bury that hurt to survive. I remember sitting in Mrs. Parker's class in 5th grade. My mom had come to visit from South Carolina and had left that morning to go back home. As I was sitting in class I just started bawling. I missed her so much and I didn't want her to leave. I was so embarrassed I swore I'd never cry over her again - and I didn't for 10+ years. Unfortunately this also was the turning point in my relationship with God. I couldn't shut off my feelings for her and be open to God. Plus I blamed God. What was so wrong with me that neither of my parents wanted me? Why would God want me to be alone?
I shut off my feelings for her so completely that when she died I couldn't feel anything for her. I felt like I was heartless. Who doesn't care that your mom died? It's interesting because as young when I decided I had to stop caring about her I knew that having a relationship with God would prevent me from shutting down those feelings. I experienced how true that was a few months ago when I started praying and talking to God again. It felt like a dam broke. I had all of these feels that I had no idea what to do with. I had glimpse of this before when I attempted to lose weight. I didn't really understand it but when I would try to lose weight I'd get so angry, depressed, and suicidal. I had a counselor tell me I had like a script about my mom. She was young, she didn't know how to handle kids, it wasn't her fault. By the counselor said I had no feelings attached to what I was saying.
After I started praying and asking God to help me I got these overwhelming feelings of angry and sadness when I thought about my mom. I finally felt. I didn't care what her excuse for leaving was. She walked away and I was angry at her for doing that. I was angry at her for dying and leaving things unfinished. I was angry at her for there even being a question of whether or not she ever cared about me. I was sad because I would never have a relationship with her. I would never get the chance to know her. I was sad because she was my mom and I loved her so much and she walked away.
I had almost a week where I felt as if she had just died. I've read that you get stuck in the grieving process is you don't go through all of the stages and from what I had experienced I would say that is true. I was never afraid of my feelings as I had been in the past. I knew that it would be ok. It actually felt like a weight had been lifted. I started remembering good things about her and I feel like I was finally able to forgive her.
My aunt (my mom's sister) recently told me that my mom never wanted my sister and I after she and my dad got divorced - she just wanted the money she could get out of my dad and grandparents if she had us. At first I was really hurt by this because it was what I had always feared my mom didn't really love me, but then I thought about it. While it's true I didn't really know her, I believe she was a good person. I believe that she had her issues that she didn't know how to deal with. I don't believe my aunt is correct. I believe that my mom was flawed but she did love me. My aunt has her own issues with my mom so I can't really trust her take on things. It was interesting because when my aunt started talking about my mom I felt something I never felt before - protective. How dare my aunt say such horrible things?! You can do wrong things and still be a good person and I do believe that my mom was a good person.
I feel sad when I think of her but now it's for what will never be. I miss her now more than I ever have. I will never know what it's like to have a mother. It's hard because I see all of these other people with their mothers and I want that, however I am grateful that I finally got to a place of forgiveness with her.
When I think about her I also can't help but wonder about the guy who caused the accident...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Life's Ups and Downs
I had one horrible week. I was numb most of the week and then I broke down crying twice. That is so embarrassing but I feel a whole lot better this week. It's strange prior to June of 2011 I can recall 4 times that I broke down and cried in front of people in the last 20 years. Since June of 2011 I've done it 4 times - twice last week. It's crazy!!!! What is the difference you ask? Well in June of last year is when I started investigating the lds church. As I have blogged about in the past reading the scriptures really has helped me a great deal.
I never really truly understood how numb to life I had become until I started reading the scriptures. It was like a dam broke. Things I told myself I didn't care about, I actually do care about. I had and still have all of these feelings that I don't know what to do with. I met with Corey last Thursday and she says that I need to work on forgiving myself. She said the brain is a tricky thing, if you hear something long enough you start to believe it. She said every time I start thinking something negative about myself I have to tell myself "no, those are their issues and didn't have anything to do with me".
I think I also got some perspective yesterday. I realized that maybe it's a good thing that I'm going through this now. I've never been able to lose weight before and if I never had any issues maybe I wouldn't be able to withstand it when it finally happened after I lost all of the weight. I know I wouldn't. I'd see it as I just lost all of this weight and how much do I suck to be gaining it all back and I probably would go off the dead end and gain it all back. I have to believe, even though this sucks, that each time I go through it I do get stronger and more capable of making this a permanent lifestyle. I had a pretty bad time last week, I didn't think I'd be able to bounce back from it, but you know what? I did. I'm felt pretty good yesterday. I feel pretty good so far today. I know I can do this. I just have to work through all the issues that keep getting in the way. I'm going to take it one day at a time.
I never really truly understood how numb to life I had become until I started reading the scriptures. It was like a dam broke. Things I told myself I didn't care about, I actually do care about. I had and still have all of these feelings that I don't know what to do with. I met with Corey last Thursday and she says that I need to work on forgiving myself. She said the brain is a tricky thing, if you hear something long enough you start to believe it. She said every time I start thinking something negative about myself I have to tell myself "no, those are their issues and didn't have anything to do with me".
I think I also got some perspective yesterday. I realized that maybe it's a good thing that I'm going through this now. I've never been able to lose weight before and if I never had any issues maybe I wouldn't be able to withstand it when it finally happened after I lost all of the weight. I know I wouldn't. I'd see it as I just lost all of this weight and how much do I suck to be gaining it all back and I probably would go off the dead end and gain it all back. I have to believe, even though this sucks, that each time I go through it I do get stronger and more capable of making this a permanent lifestyle. I had a pretty bad time last week, I didn't think I'd be able to bounce back from it, but you know what? I did. I'm felt pretty good yesterday. I feel pretty good so far today. I know I can do this. I just have to work through all the issues that keep getting in the way. I'm going to take it one day at a time.
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