Like Opening a Vein

I’m going to start by putting a big stinking !!!WARNING!!!! on this post that it is not a pleasant topic.

I’m also going to say I’m not posting this because I want pity, reassurance, or any of that other nonsense.  I’m posting this because I don’t believe I’m the only one who feels the way I do.

Okay, now that we have all of that out of the way, on to the topic at hand. I'll admit talking about this stuff is like cutting open a vein so you can see my bleed.  But here's my cut: I am indifferent to whether I live or die. I told you it wasn’t going to be a pleasant topic.  My indifference is actually an improvement because three years ago 99% of me wanted to die. Yay! I’ve made improvement! It’s been a long, hard fought, battle that the tiny 1% of me had to fight to get me to being 50/50 on whether I want to live or die.

That 1% of me should be celebrated because there were many, MANY times I thought that the 99% would win out.  I think the 1% was the only part of me that the Holy Spirit could still reach.  The still small voice that said there is something better. You have a purpose. Just hold on. It is the only thing I had to hold onto. 

Now I’m at 50/50. Great! So, you may be wondering what is prompting me to write this blog post.  Well, the thing is, I can honestly say I want to want to live.  I’m also sure that with more long hard fought battles I can get off the fence I find myself embracing life.  Awesome, right?!

What’s not so awesome is that I feel like I’m running out of time to get off the indifference fence.  My blood pressure is dangerously high and my blood sugar is out of control.  Three years ago I would have been relieved.  How do I know?  12 years ago when the doctor sat down and explained what would happen if I continued down the road I was on. That it would severely shorten my life the first thought that came to my head was, “oh darn, that would be tragic”.  It struck me as a very wrong response to the news I was just given but it was a genuine response.  And you know what everything that I was told would happen is happening.

My response now is, “eh”.  Again I know it’s not the right response but it’s where I’m at.  I’m not scared of dying AND I am scared of my indifference to living.  Remember I’m 100% certain that I want to want to live.

I’ve been reading this book, ‘Constant Cravings’ by Doreen Virtue.  (I haven’t stopped trying to get off of the fence.)  This book appealed to me because it talks about what food cravings mean and how to overcome them.

My top food craving is fattening foods.  You know, cheeseburgers, ham, pizza (on occasion but not so much), tacos, burritos - protein, protein, protein.   When I get upset about something, nothing can cure it like a big old fattening rib eye steak.  True story.

Those that know me, know that my persistent complaint is that my life has no purpose.  I don’t know what I need to make it have purpose.  Okay, well that’s not entirely true but there is a difference between what is possible right now and what is possible in the future.  Right now, I’m not sure what I need to feel like my life has a purpose.  I know that my life does have a purpose because the Holy Spirit tells me so. That 1% was strong enough to believe it and now so is the 49% more of me.

In this book it talks about cravings for high fat foods.  Remember what I just said?  This is what the book says about high-fat cravings, “High-fat diets indicate a fear of feeling empty.  Fatty foods stay in the stomach much longer than low-fat foods…Often, the High-Fat Eater is deeply afraid of something. Of being alone. Of facing a terrible truth. Of taking responsibility. Of making changes. These fears and insecurities are quelled by a consistently plugged stomach...

High-fat food cravings include those for cheeseburgers, soft french fries, or onion rings. Fatty versions of meat, such as soft-fried chicken, marbled steak, fatty prime rib, ham, and pork also fall into this category.

The emptiness that High-Fat Eaters fear often stems from a lack of meaning or purpose in their lives.”

Hmmm…well with the exception of onion rings (ick, gag) everything else is all the stuff I’d go for.  I’ve thought it strange since I was little that while most people’s “go to” snacks where sweets and salty, crunchy items, mine was meat.  Ice cream or ham sandwich?  Most of the time ham sandwich.  Not to say I discriminate against sweets. I do not. It’s just not my top craving of choice.

I’m feeling a sense of urgency about needing to get off the fence of indifference.  I’ve already done irreversible, lifelong damage to myself.  It wasn’t enough to shake the indifference.  A week ago I was told my blood pressure was dangerously high.  I’ve managed to take two blood pressure pills.  Yesterday, I found out my blood sugar was out of control and I haven’t yet taken my diabetes medication that is within arm’s reach of where I’m at right now.  And I’ve still eaten like crap!  WHY?????

The book offers advice to overcome my fat cravings.  “Fat Cravers endure an especially painful struggle, because they compound their feelings of emptiness by eating foods virtually guaranteed to add pounds to their body.  With the added weight comes a degree of social ostracism and prejudice…These signals that the overweight people somehow aren’t as valuable as think people, hurt. They make the Fat Craver feel even more alone and empty, which, in turn, trigger still more Fat Cravings.

To break this cycle, Fat Cravers need more courage than any other Constant Craver. The emptiness inside of Fat Cravers makes it difficult for them to trust other people’s advice, even when they know that a great deal of wisdom may be imparted to them….

Fill you heart with substance. Distract yourself from your thoughts about food by keeping busy with soul-nourishing activities. Exercise (agree, such a help!). Work on the issues triggering the feelings of emptiness.”

I admit that my soul craves soul-nourishing activities but finding and sustaining those things is an area of weakness for me.  It’s easier to numb myself to all of the fears I don’t want to see than it is for me to face them.  Occasionally, I’ll see them but I haven’t quite figured out how to keep them out and not slip back into avoidance. 

I can’t be the only person that feels this way.  It’s not a topic that people readily talk about.  Oh yeah, sure I’m indifferent to living. I’m curious if anyone else is in this situation now or was in the past.  I feel like I’m in a catch 22.  I know without a doubt that I want to want to live.  The problem is that I feel time running out and that stirs anxiety, which I like to numb by eating, which digs the hole even deeper, which keeps the clock running, which leads to more anxiety, which leads to giving into cravings, which digs the hole even deeper, which…

You get the point.

Somehow, someway I need to get to 51%.  At 51% the tide starts turning in the direction I want to go. 50% to me is like trying to walk on solid ice with tennis shoes on.  51% - gripper shoes!  You know the ones that you put over your shoes for icy weather that helps grip the ice so you don’t fall flat on your butt. If you’re not careful you can still end up on your butt but if you pay attention to what you’re doing you manage to stay on your feet (yep, I’m very versed in gripper shoes).  I need my gripper shoes! 

I really feel that my gripper shoes are of the spiritual variety.  I felt I had a full spiritual cup - for a while and for the first time in my life. When I felt I had a full spiritual cup I lost a lot of weight… but then I started poking holes in my spiritual cup until it became a strainer.  Change is hard!  I slowly started slipping back into my old ways.  Oh, I’ll just skip gospel doctrine this one time. Oh, well I’ll just skip gospel doctrine and relief society this one time.  Oh, I can just skip sacrament, gospel doctrine, and relief society just this one time.  Ugh, money is tight. I’ll skip tithing just this one time. I can go out to eat on Sunday just this once…the movies just this once.  Next thing you know I haven’t been to church in 2 months, I stopped keeping the Sabbath day holy, and I haven’t paid my tithing in 10 months.

I’m actually fighting two battles.  I need to get right spiritually. I have to plug all of the holes I put into my spiritual cup.  When my spiritual cup was full I was able to lose 100 pounds. It's also the only time I truly felt happy and content with life ...AND I can’t ignore the physical issues.  It’s too much! It overwhelms me. Instead of doing something, I do nothing but give into cravings that are digging the hole even deeper.