Something Real

I have something on my mind that I never like to acknowledge - the holiday's make me sad. They make me think about how alone I feel. How I wish I had a family that got along and wanted to be together, to play silly games, to watch movies, to just hang out, to laugh together, to joke together. That just isn't my family. My family just tolerates each other and sometimes not even that. It makes me sad that my sisters haven't really spoken in about a decade. I makes me sad that I can't have a relationship with my dad because he is an angry and bitter person. I makes me sad that when we actually do get together we barely talk, we eat, and then go our separate ways. This to me is not a family. To me it's a bunch of strangers that happen to be related. I hate being reminded of this.  There is a song by Linkin Park that sums up my feeling on this time of the year perfectly it's called "My December". The line goes this is my december, this is my time of the year, this is me pretending this is all I need.

I don't want to get depressed. I feel like I'm getting depressed though and I don't know what to do to stop it.

Just Do It

I once asked someone how you change things you don't like about yourself and she said you just do it. It sounds so simple. I want to lose weight - just do it. I want to be a more positive person - just do it. I want to be a more giving person - just do it. Why oh why if it sounds so simple is it so hard to do?  I do want to do these things but just the thought of doing them keeps me glued to the couch.

So I guess I should start small. This week I will cook dinner 1 time and make breakfast.

My Own Little World and Beyond

I've been feeling down lately. I also feel like I've been spending too much time focusing on me and the issues that I've created myself. As I was thinking about this a song by Matthew West came on the radio called 'My Own Little World' and it spoke to me.

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I've never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world, population: me

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give 'til it hurts
And I turn off the news when I don't like what I see
Yeah, it's easy to do when it's population: me

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now
Outside my own little world

Stopped at a red light looked out my window
I saw a cardboard sign said, "help this homeless widow"
And just above that sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, God, what have I been doing?
So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye
Oh, how many times have I just passed her by?
I gave her some money than I drove on through
And my own little world reached population: two

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now
Outside my own little world
My own little world

Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
That I could be living right now
I don't want to miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start living right now

Outside my own little world
My own little world
My own little world

I feel that I have a purpose in this life that I have yet to find. I feel that I'm allowing my weight issues, my self issues hold me back from what God wants me to do with my life.

I few months back I heard the story of Ryan Arnold who loved his brother so much that he was willing to give him 60% of his liver to save his life. Ryan did just that and it ended up costing him his life. His brother Chad is alive today because of Ryan. This made news because Ryan's death wasn't supposed to happen, but it's not his death that touched me it's how he lived his life. Ryan loved God, he loved his family, he did good for his community, and he just generally loved his life. I couldn't help but think it was sad that such a person had to die when I am sitting here wasting the life God gave me. I never knew Ryan Arnold but his story struck me and made me question what I'm doing with my life. So many people would give anything for just one more day and what right do I have to just sit around doing nothing with my life. I don't want to waste my life anymore.

This of course is easier said than done.  How do I figure out what my purpose in life is? How do I stop letting myself get in my way?

I was never very good at where do you see yourself in the next five or ten years. Heck I was never good at where do you see yourself in a year. I try to focus on the day but I try never to think about the day.

So I guess the questions I need to answer are what kind of life do I want to have and what am I will to do to get it? The one thing I do know is that I'm tired of my life being a population of just me.