Like Opening a Vein

I’m going to start by putting a big stinking !!!WARNING!!!! on this post that it is not a pleasant topic.

I’m also going to say I’m not posting this because I want pity, reassurance, or any of that other nonsense.  I’m posting this because I don’t believe I’m the only one who feels the way I do.

Okay, now that we have all of that out of the way, on to the topic at hand. I'll admit talking about this stuff is like cutting open a vein so you can see my bleed.  But here's my cut: I am indifferent to whether I live or die. I told you it wasn’t going to be a pleasant topic.  My indifference is actually an improvement because three years ago 99% of me wanted to die. Yay! I’ve made improvement! It’s been a long, hard fought, battle that the tiny 1% of me had to fight to get me to being 50/50 on whether I want to live or die.

That 1% of me should be celebrated because there were many, MANY times I thought that the 99% would win out.  I think the 1% was the only part of me that the Holy Spirit could still reach.  The still small voice that said there is something better. You have a purpose. Just hold on. It is the only thing I had to hold onto. 

Now I’m at 50/50. Great! So, you may be wondering what is prompting me to write this blog post.  Well, the thing is, I can honestly say I want to want to live.  I’m also sure that with more long hard fought battles I can get off the fence I find myself embracing life.  Awesome, right?!

What’s not so awesome is that I feel like I’m running out of time to get off the indifference fence.  My blood pressure is dangerously high and my blood sugar is out of control.  Three years ago I would have been relieved.  How do I know?  12 years ago when the doctor sat down and explained what would happen if I continued down the road I was on. That it would severely shorten my life the first thought that came to my head was, “oh darn, that would be tragic”.  It struck me as a very wrong response to the news I was just given but it was a genuine response.  And you know what everything that I was told would happen is happening.

My response now is, “eh”.  Again I know it’s not the right response but it’s where I’m at.  I’m not scared of dying AND I am scared of my indifference to living.  Remember I’m 100% certain that I want to want to live.

I’ve been reading this book, ‘Constant Cravings’ by Doreen Virtue.  (I haven’t stopped trying to get off of the fence.)  This book appealed to me because it talks about what food cravings mean and how to overcome them.

My top food craving is fattening foods.  You know, cheeseburgers, ham, pizza (on occasion but not so much), tacos, burritos - protein, protein, protein.   When I get upset about something, nothing can cure it like a big old fattening rib eye steak.  True story.

Those that know me, know that my persistent complaint is that my life has no purpose.  I don’t know what I need to make it have purpose.  Okay, well that’s not entirely true but there is a difference between what is possible right now and what is possible in the future.  Right now, I’m not sure what I need to feel like my life has a purpose.  I know that my life does have a purpose because the Holy Spirit tells me so. That 1% was strong enough to believe it and now so is the 49% more of me.

In this book it talks about cravings for high fat foods.  Remember what I just said?  This is what the book says about high-fat cravings, “High-fat diets indicate a fear of feeling empty.  Fatty foods stay in the stomach much longer than low-fat foods…Often, the High-Fat Eater is deeply afraid of something. Of being alone. Of facing a terrible truth. Of taking responsibility. Of making changes. These fears and insecurities are quelled by a consistently plugged stomach...

High-fat food cravings include those for cheeseburgers, soft french fries, or onion rings. Fatty versions of meat, such as soft-fried chicken, marbled steak, fatty prime rib, ham, and pork also fall into this category.

The emptiness that High-Fat Eaters fear often stems from a lack of meaning or purpose in their lives.”

Hmmm…well with the exception of onion rings (ick, gag) everything else is all the stuff I’d go for.  I’ve thought it strange since I was little that while most people’s “go to” snacks where sweets and salty, crunchy items, mine was meat.  Ice cream or ham sandwich?  Most of the time ham sandwich.  Not to say I discriminate against sweets. I do not. It’s just not my top craving of choice.

I’m feeling a sense of urgency about needing to get off the fence of indifference.  I’ve already done irreversible, lifelong damage to myself.  It wasn’t enough to shake the indifference.  A week ago I was told my blood pressure was dangerously high.  I’ve managed to take two blood pressure pills.  Yesterday, I found out my blood sugar was out of control and I haven’t yet taken my diabetes medication that is within arm’s reach of where I’m at right now.  And I’ve still eaten like crap!  WHY?????

The book offers advice to overcome my fat cravings.  “Fat Cravers endure an especially painful struggle, because they compound their feelings of emptiness by eating foods virtually guaranteed to add pounds to their body.  With the added weight comes a degree of social ostracism and prejudice…These signals that the overweight people somehow aren’t as valuable as think people, hurt. They make the Fat Craver feel even more alone and empty, which, in turn, trigger still more Fat Cravings.

To break this cycle, Fat Cravers need more courage than any other Constant Craver. The emptiness inside of Fat Cravers makes it difficult for them to trust other people’s advice, even when they know that a great deal of wisdom may be imparted to them….

Fill you heart with substance. Distract yourself from your thoughts about food by keeping busy with soul-nourishing activities. Exercise (agree, such a help!). Work on the issues triggering the feelings of emptiness.”

I admit that my soul craves soul-nourishing activities but finding and sustaining those things is an area of weakness for me.  It’s easier to numb myself to all of the fears I don’t want to see than it is for me to face them.  Occasionally, I’ll see them but I haven’t quite figured out how to keep them out and not slip back into avoidance. 

I can’t be the only person that feels this way.  It’s not a topic that people readily talk about.  Oh yeah, sure I’m indifferent to living. I’m curious if anyone else is in this situation now or was in the past.  I feel like I’m in a catch 22.  I know without a doubt that I want to want to live.  The problem is that I feel time running out and that stirs anxiety, which I like to numb by eating, which digs the hole even deeper, which keeps the clock running, which leads to more anxiety, which leads to giving into cravings, which digs the hole even deeper, which…

You get the point.

Somehow, someway I need to get to 51%.  At 51% the tide starts turning in the direction I want to go. 50% to me is like trying to walk on solid ice with tennis shoes on.  51% - gripper shoes!  You know the ones that you put over your shoes for icy weather that helps grip the ice so you don’t fall flat on your butt. If you’re not careful you can still end up on your butt but if you pay attention to what you’re doing you manage to stay on your feet (yep, I’m very versed in gripper shoes).  I need my gripper shoes! 

I really feel that my gripper shoes are of the spiritual variety.  I felt I had a full spiritual cup - for a while and for the first time in my life. When I felt I had a full spiritual cup I lost a lot of weight… but then I started poking holes in my spiritual cup until it became a strainer.  Change is hard!  I slowly started slipping back into my old ways.  Oh, I’ll just skip gospel doctrine this one time. Oh, well I’ll just skip gospel doctrine and relief society this one time.  Oh, I can just skip sacrament, gospel doctrine, and relief society just this one time.  Ugh, money is tight. I’ll skip tithing just this one time. I can go out to eat on Sunday just this once…the movies just this once.  Next thing you know I haven’t been to church in 2 months, I stopped keeping the Sabbath day holy, and I haven’t paid my tithing in 10 months.

I’m actually fighting two battles.  I need to get right spiritually. I have to plug all of the holes I put into my spiritual cup.  When my spiritual cup was full I was able to lose 100 pounds. It's also the only time I truly felt happy and content with life ...AND I can’t ignore the physical issues.  It’s too much! It overwhelms me. Instead of doing something, I do nothing but give into cravings that are digging the hole even deeper.

The Good Lie

I admit I've been uninspired to blog lately.  I saw a movie that moved me and made me think of all of the unimportant things in my life that seem so important.  As the title of the blog post suggest the movie is called 'The Good Lie'.

'The Good Lie' is inspired by a true story of the Lost Boys of the Sudan.  I saw the trailer for the movie a while back and while it seemed like a movie I would be interested in, the trailer did not do this movie justice.  The trailer shows kids orphaned by war and then cuts to them going to America and their struggle to fit in.  It seems almost criminal that this movie hasn't made a million dollars at the box office yet and I totally blame the trailer for this injustice.

What made this movie so impactful to me is that it didn't sugar coat the journey these kids took to get to America. The movie is so strong when it is focusing on the pre-America journey. It falls off when the kids finally make it to America. It was almost like the movie was written by two different people.  In the America part of the journey I was left with wanting more substance, more heart because the pre-America journey got me invested in what happened to the kids.

A good portion of the movie followed the loss of their parents and then their journey to safety. It was hard to watch (SPOILER ALERT!!!!) and hear the screams of innocent children and know they were being slaughtered by soldiers.  Theo the oldest boy sensed danger was ahead and he stopped his "brothers" and sister from following the group up the river.  Instead he knew they had to cross the river right away.  As soon as he started to cross a body floated past him, then a few more, and by the time the last kid crossed the river there were so many bodies floating down the river it was hard to watch.  Who knows if this exact scenario happened but similar things did actually happen (END OF SPOILER).

It hit me that this is what happens in the world in which I live.  The Sudan is still a war zone.  I've known for years about the wars in the Sudan and I've been too self absorbed to really pay attention to the lives that are effected by this.  It was the same reaction I had then I realized that the world turned a blind eye to the Jews being slaughtered by the Nazis before World War II.  I naively thought that people must not have known because surely they would have done something.  I was horrified to read that the world knew what was going on and they didn't care because it wasn't their problem.  The world started to care when Germany made it their problem by invading other countries.  At the time I wondered how people could be so cruel. Now, I know it's not cruel but self absorbed, and I am "those people".

According to beliefnet.com, "Since 2003, the massacre of African Muslims by Arab Muslims in Darfur, a Texas-sized region in the African nation of Sudan, has resulted in more than 400,000 deaths and 2.5 million displaced people. And despite a peace agreement between the Sudanese government and the largest Darfur rebel group, the killings, mass rapes, plundering, and crop-burning continues."

The Huffington Post ran an article in January of 2014 explaining the Sudan has since been split but that hasn't stopped the violence in the new South Sudan.

The hard thing for me is questioning whether knowing what has happened in the Sudan, and what is still happening in South Sudan, makes a difference. Yes, my heart hurts for them AND my life will go on. Compassion is a great trait to have but is it enough?  People are suffering but in all likelihood it won't inspire me to try to help in any lasting way.  We as a society have a very short memory and I definitely know that I do.

It did motivate me to do a Google search on ways to help and the two most popular suggestions were to donate money and to raise awareness that this is going on through social media.  It seems like such an insignificant request on the surface but if it raises money for the people who have the knowledge to help then it's a good thing.

The movie helped open my eyes to other people's struggles and it doesn't have to be the struggles of people half a world away.  People are struggling in our community.  I recently met a woman that is working on a project to buy coats for homeless teens.  She said that there are 14,000 homeless teens in Maricopa County.  That's mind blowing and sadly I had no idea that there are so many homeless teens in my own community.  I was moved by her desire to help the teens but it didn't inspire me to take action.  Without action my compassion means nothing.

It's crazy how self absorbed I can be and that isn't who I want to be.  Granted you can't be everything to everyone but I can do a better job of paying attention to the needs of those in my community and the world.  When I'm on my death bed I want to know that I did my part to serve others. I am taking action by writing this blog post.  I'm not going to write it off as an insignificant thing because nobody truly knows how we impact other people.  We can share what matters to us and hope that it inspires others to think about and act on what matters to them.

“I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing.” ~ Mark Twain 

Side note:  (SPOILER ALERT) I love the concept of the good lie.  It was introduced in the movie as part of a discussion of Huckleberry Finn.  Huck lied about Jim to protect Jim. As such, the character, Mamere, in the movie explained that this was a good lie because Huck's only intention was to protect Jim. Mamere powerfully shows the impact a good lie can have later in the movie.  I won't spoil how it happens because I want you to see for yourself, but I will say that everyone should strive to have at least one good lie in their lifetime.

If you want to be moved and inspired you need to watch 'The Good Lie'.

The Writing's on the Wall

I've thought about writing a new blog post so many times but I keep erasing what I write.  That tends to become an issue.  If something is irritating I'll say something but if something is REALLY bothering me, I tend to go silent.

Last week I got the results of the MRI I had on my knee. Yesterday and today I had a consultation with two different surgeons to explore my options.  My options are limited.  I've decided surgery is only an option if the pain becomes unbearable.  The surgery would remove the damaged meniscus (cartilage in the knee).  I'd have almost the entire inside cartilage removed which the doctor said would make my knee feel great - for about a year.

I'm lucky in a way because I have an option someone that is a normal weight doesn't have.  I can try to lose weight and hope that it will help with the knee pain.  The thing is I'd have to do it almost strictly with nutrition. 

Nutrition has been my downfall on my weight loss journey thus far.  I can't help but think that these injuries serve a purpose.  When I have to option to workout for weight loss that is my go to option.  Nutrition is always placed on the backburner.  It's not fun. Now I have no choice. I can't rely on working out to lose weight.

They say weight loss is 80% nutrition so I guess I'll find out if that is true. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not worried about my ability to lose weight with nutrition alone.

I do have some hope.  I asked one of the doctors if he thought if he thought I'd be able to hike again if I decided against surgery and focused on weight loss and he said that he thought that I would be able to.

I have to believe that he's right.

Doubt Is An Insidious Thing

insidious 

adjective

1. intended to entrap or beguile:

an insidious plan.

2. stealthily treacherous or deceitful:

an insidious enemy.

3. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect:

an insidious disease.

 

Dictionary.com

Doubt is an insidious thing.  It hangs out in the background constantly waiting for the opportunity to invade the mind. Doubt is so clever.  Every time it hits it feels like it came out of nowhere.  Life was fine and then all the sudden - BAM - the question is there - Can I do this?   

Doubt is what derails me each and every time.  This time?  I started feeling overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose, the pain I'm in, and how difficult it feels to do the right thing.  That got me wondering what the statistics are on weight loss for people who are morbidly obese.  The statistics aren't pretty for weight loss in general.  I believe it was Richard at one of the BEST classes that said that 90% of the people who lose weight will regain all or most of it within a year.

What I've found is that for morbidly obese people, statistically less than 5% lose any meaningful weight.  What does this statistic tell me?  I was looking for ways to justify why I'm going to fail.  I didn't look up success stories, I looked up how many people fail.

I even ran across a not so nice blog that said something to the effect of so you think you are going to be the exception to the statistics, well you're not.  You will fail because statistics show you will fail and you are deluding yourself to think you can beat the statistics.

While I understand the frustration of this person, I also felt incredible sad for her.  She has given up hope and even more dangerously has written a blog to spell out why morbidly obese and super morbidly obese people don't stand a chance.  She said at a certain point a person's body just refuses to lose more weight and people get tired of doing the same thing and not getting different results so they quit.

What I have seen from my own observation of weight loss methods is that most methods work, if you stick to them.  You can't lie your way to weight loss - I know, I've tried.  Come on, you know what I'm talking about. 

Honestly, I have no idea why I didn't lose any weight this week!  But secretly you know you didn't do what needed to be done. 

Weight loss is hard work.  When I set out to lose weight I wanted to keep it off.  I've become a statistic.  I've lost 100 pounds and I regained 89 of those pounds but it's taken me 2 years to do it.  I also know why.  I went back to my old ways.  Using food for the wrong reason.  I started eating like crap again.  I stopped caring about the reasons I wanted to be healthy and fit, but the one thing I was never able to totally do is give up. 

Believe me I thought about it many times.  I know what it took to lose weight the first time.  Now I have to do it all over again.  Then there is the doubt.  I gained it back the first time, what makes this any different?

Well, for one thing, no matter how many times people preached it has to be a lifestyle change my brain never quite embraced that.  It was all about weight loss and the number on the scale.  I've often wondered why.  I've decided it is because the number on the scale is the easiest thing to focus on.  It's hard to admit our short comings and areas we need to improve.  It's easy to get wrapped up in the emotions that come along with doubt and not believing in myself.

This is why I've worked on designing something that could counter act the emotions of weight loss.  I know that there are things I need to focus on to be where I want to be.  I still believe that when I can consistently do these things, it will lead to weight loss.

I'm making improvements.  I've went from 21.02% the week of 7-7-14 to 026.74% the week of 8-4-14

I'll admit looking for the statistics on failure would normally give me a reason to give up and go back to eating unhealthy but in honoring my commitment to my transformation journey, I'm able to see past the statistics.  Yes, the odds aren't good, but I do not believe that it is because there is something fundamentally wrong with my genetic makeup that is keeping me overweight.  I know for myself, I'm afraid to fail or that I'm failing.  I'm a perfectionist so I tend to freak out at the first hint that something might not be going right.  My brain wants to abandon ship and not risk failing but that is precisely why I failed in the past.  I'd start doubting myself and then it would be all down hill from there. 

I've made a commitment not to give up.  I made a commitment to face my doubt and do it anyway.  That is the only way I'm going to transform my life.  I am determined not be become another statistic.

Injuries, Setbacks, and...Transformation?

Injuries and setbacks seem to have become a way of life for me.  Interestingly enough my knee stopped hurting but now doesn't feel right.  I've tried to do a little bit of exercising this week and it went okay but I'm really understanding how the excess weight is effecting my recovery. 

I've become so used to being able to workout to lose weight.  It's also my stress relief but what do I do when I've been laid up for 10 weeks now.  To be perfectly honest I'd normally feel sorry for myself.  You know what?!  Feeling sorry for myself is why I'm in this situation. 

I feel like this is happening for a reason.  I've felt for a very long time now that getting my nutrition under control is going to be the key to my losing weight and keeping it off.  The problem is working out distracts me.  It's fun and it allows me to forget about the nutrition aspect of weight loss.  The problem is my body keeps breaking down.  Right now I can't do basic things, such as walking or riding a bike. 

You know how in the scriptures it talks a lot about people needing to be humbled to not only hear but listen?  I feel like this is what is happening with me. I hear the promptings to focus on the nutrition and I choose to ignore it.  Slowly everything that I love to do is being taken away.  It's a painful process physically and mentally.  Physically for obvious reasons. Mentally because I know I've done this to myself and I continue to do this to myself.

So then the question becomes what am I going to do about it?  Do I continue to feel sorry for myself?  No, not this time. 

I came up with a transformation agreement.

 

The original agreement is signed and dated.  It reminds me of what I want for my life and what I'm committed to.  One of those things is embracing physical challenges.  I won't dwell on what I can not do.  I'm going to focus on this things I can do, such as swimming and preparing healthy meals. 

 

I'm going to focus on the action steps I have developed that I believe will lead me to the transformation that I want.

 



My goal and what I'm saying will be transformation is to do these things within 80%.  It's not enough to hit 80% once.  I want a lasting transformation so I'm saying that I will have a true transformation when I hit 80% week after week without fail for 6 months. 

I've decided to accept where I'm at and not try to fight it or resist it.  I'll be honest with you I started at 21.02% the week of July 7, 2014.  I'm not going to put a label on what this means, I'm just going to accept that it is what it is.  We all have to start somewhere.  I tend to be a perfectionist so my goal isn't about being perfect and hitting the percentage right away, it's about continually improving so when I finally get to 80% I'll be able to sustain at least that percentage for the rest of my life. 

You might be wondering about the possible points I assigned to things.  Overall I picked the key things that I believe I need to do to truly transform my life.  I assigned a higher weight to those items that I really struggle with that I think are absolutely necessary to the transformation I want.

I choose to focus on what I can do.  If physical activity is out right now that is okay.  I believe that is what needs to happen right now.  If I'm being honest with myself I already knew that weight loss comes mostly from what I eat not from working out.  Don't get me wrong I think the working out is absolutely necessary to be fit and healthy but not absolutely necessary to lose weight. 

This is what I'm up to. How about you?

Thoughts vs Commitment

I've noticed a trend on social media lately that makes me cringe - negative self talk.  If your goal is weight loss you are never going to accomplish that goal if you keep minimizing your accomplishments. We as a society love to beat ourselves up over things we do "wrong".  STOP IT! You will never have a life you love if you continually berate yourself for your perceived short comings.

You do NOT have to go to a gym to be physically active. Let me repeat: you do NOT have to go to a gym to be physically active. To be physically active all you have to do is to move.  Cleaning the house is being physically active.  Get out of the house and doing something active. Walks are physically active. Have fun, make it a game. The point is to move. It doesn't matter what you do, just get up and move!

Okay, so maybe you weren't as physically active as you committed to, so what.  It doesn't make you wrong, a failure, or lazy, it's just what happened. Stop beating yourself up over it.  You can't change what you've already done.  You broke your word, you broke your commitment, that is it.

But, did you actually brake your commitment?!

I'd like you to consider the possibility that you never actually committed to your goals in the first place.  It's easy to think you've made a commitment to going to the gym 5 times this week but did you really make that commitment?  Unless you take action, you have not made a commitment.

How can you take action? 

I believe the ultimate action you can take to any commitment is to share your goal with others and ask them to hold you accountable.  It's action and you are enrolling others in helping you.  Remember we are not meant to live life in isolation.  You could also write down what you are committed to.  I believe this works for the day to day things that everyone has in life but I strongly believe that the big life transforming commitments need to be communicated with others.

Commitment takes action and thoughts are not actions. If you told yourself you were going to go to the gym 5 times last week, you only thought about going to the gym 5 times last week.  You didn't never actually committed to it. 

Really think about this.

Did you commit or did you think about committing?  Chances are you are beating yourself up over something you never committed to in the first place. That's crazy!

Commitment = honoring your word + taking action.  It's a simple formula yet we tend to make it difficult. 

I'm challenging you to take action.  I'm challenging you to share with others what you are committed to and ask them to hold you accountable.  I'm asking you to honor your word and follow through on your commitments.

I'll start.  I have not food prepped this week so I'm committed to cooking at least one meal tonight. I commit to updating you tomorrow on whether I honored my word to take action and I ask you to hold me accountable for this commitment. 

What are you committed to?

What Being an Active Avoider Gets Me

I've been avoiding the dreaded blood work for almost a full year.  Being diabetic I'm supposed to be getting my A1c levels checked every three months.  For those of you who aren't diabetic and have no clue what an A1c level is or why it's important let me explain.  Most people probably know that diabetics are supposed to check their blood sugar regularly.  I do not. Never have.  The A1c measures how your glucose (blood sugar) levels are been overall for the last three months.  An average non diabetic person should have an A1c of 5.7 or less.  A little over three years ago my A1c level was considered out of control at a 7.2.  As I started exercising and eating healthy I was able to drop that from the high of 7.2 to 5.6.  That was in the non diabetic range.

Last year around this time I finally got up enough nerve to check my levels and I was at a 5.8.  I felt like I dodged a bullet.  Yes, it went up but I wasn't taking my medication and I had stopped eating healthy.  Unfortunately, it wasn't enough for me to change my ways.  In fact my eating got worse and my exercise has been is stops and spurts over the last year do to various injuries.  Needless to say I was afraid to see what I had done to my blood work.  Many people tried to let me that avoiding the tests wouldn't change the results and it was better to know but I didn't want to hear it. 

Last year I was at the start of my slide back into my old ways and my blood work came back really good.  My cholesterol was good.  My blood sugar levels were good.  I never thought oh good I can just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll keep getting these results.  No, my blood work went from excellent to just good in a relatively short amount of time.  When I started on my weight loss journey all of my blood work was horrible.  Logic says if I go back to my old ways the old horrible blood work will return.  I knew that but I couldn't make myself care.

Over the last year I've gained 50 pounds.  Over the last two years I've gained 90 pounds.  I had lost exactly 100 pounds and then the very next week started gaining the weight back and haven't stopped. Statistically speaking I guess I'm doing better than a lot of people who lose weight.  It has taken me two years to gain 90 pounds instead of a year of less to regain all of my weight and then some. 

Back to my A1c levels.  They are now at 6.8.  My new family doctor says that's good. I'm a well controlled diabetic but as I told him that is not good.  I was in the normal range for a non diabetic and now I'm just 0.2 points lower than the 7.0 or less they want to see for a diabetic.  That's not acceptable to me.  I worked my butt off to get my levels down to non diabetic range. Oh and my cholesterol?   High once again.  I was scolded at my last cardiologist appointment for having just good cholesterol so I can't imagine this is going to go over well. 

That's the back news. The good news is now none of this matters.  It's that the big question that I'm avoiding and fearing the worst.  What matters is what I do for this moment on.  You can bet I'm not happy with what I learned today and it will motivate me to do better.  The good news is I've already started doing better.  A few blog posts back I said I was going to stop trying to lose weight and I have.  I'm improving my lifestyle choices and it finally seems to be working.  In the last week I've lost 5.6 pounds.  I haven't done anything special.  I haven't worked out one time.  I haven't counted calories.  I've simply started being mindful of what I'm eating, why I'm eating it, and how much I'm eating.

I'm choosing to get my blood work redone in 3 months like I'm supposed to.  You can bet my blood work will be better.  I'm tired of avoiding my life.  The only way I'm going to get where I want in my life is if I'm active participant in my life.  Up until now I've mostly just been a passive observer. No, that's not right I've been an active avoider.  I've known I haven't been doing the right things for most of my life but I've used food and other things to help me avoid thinking about these things.  No more! 

Strong Suits and Straight Jackets

This post is little bit of spiritual, mixed with a little bit of a class I just took, mixed with an emotional breakdown.  Some of you may know that I've been having problems with my right leg. Yes, that would be the same side I had my foot surgery on last year.  I haven't been able to get back to where I was pre-surgery.  My muscles are tight and nothing I've tried has helped.

My trip to Disneyland in May was the last straw. My calf cramped on the drive up and by two hours into my first trip to Disneyland I could barely walk.  I did what any unreasonable person would do - I continued to abuse my leg despite being in excruciating pain.  I know I was cranky but honest I was less cranky than I was feeling in my head.  Looking back it's kind of crazy what I was willing to endure in the name of having "fun".  Don't get me wrong the trip was fun but it was also a form of torture.  It's not the kind of pain that has gone away with rest and it's not the kind of pain I'd ever felt before.  I don't think my foot surgery hurt as bad as I was hurting at Disneyland.

Fast forward a little over a month later and I'm still dealing with some major pain issues.  I've been diagnosed with acute Achilles tendonitis in both legs but the pain just kept intensifying until I ended up going to urgent care and then the emergency room to check for blood clots.  Thankfully I do not have any blood clots.  Next stop was my family doctor who said he didn't think I had Achilles tendonitis, he thought it was in my knee.  (I think he's wrong).  The family doctor in turn is sending me to a specialist, which I'm excited about.  My right side hasn't been right since my surgery 10 months ago.

Anywho that's the background on what led up to my emotional breakdown. My emotional breakdown happened last week.  I was feeling very much like I was in a no win situation.  I know my pain is being magnified by my weight but any exercise I've tried to do has aggravated my pain issue.  I needed to take some garbage to the dumpster and a new symptom just started a few days earlier that was making it extremely painful to walk.  My friend offered to help me, but me being me, I said no thanks.  I managed to get to the dumpster no where near fairly pain free.  Half way there I wanted to quit.  My leg was killing me but me being me, I pressed on.  When I finally made it to the dumpster, the tears were flowing involuntarily.  I just wanted someone to come and help me but I knew that wasn't an option so I started the slow journey back to my place.

As I got half way back to my place my knee locked up and shot pain that I had never felt before.  Now I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot just sobbing.  I really wanted to just lay down and let a car run me over. Unfortunately, it usually takes moments when I'm completely drained and have no fight left in me to ask Heavenly Father to help me.  I'm sure I looked insane.  I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot sobbing and saying out loud that "I can't do this anymore, please help me. Please help me endure the pain.  Please help me fix this.".  The words that came to my mind were that I needed to stop being prideful.  I have low self esteem. I'm not prideful. Ah, but I am.

In the class I just took it talked about how when situations happen in everyone's life it makes them develop a strong suit to overcome that negative event.  It's good because it helps you get through life but it also becomes like a straight jacket.  I didn't quite get this until I realized I am prideful.  My strong suit is being independent.  I don't need anyone. I can take care of myself, even when I know I need help.  I refuse to swallow my pride and ask for help.  To me it's always been a sign of weakness to need help but I'm accepting that everyone needs help every once in a while.

My independence is like a straight jacket because I refuse to accept help.  I want to prove that I can do everything myself even though I can't.  I could barely walk but I didn't need any help.  I could take the garbage out myself.  I don't need any help trying to adopt a healthy lifestyle. I KNOW what to do so I just need to do it.

When I was actually losing weight it was because I made a conscious choice to swallow my pride and listen to what Patrick was telling me to do.  Then I got a bug up my butt about needing to do it on my own and have since gained back all 100 pounds I lost. That's working really well for me.  I am on occasion willing to admit that I need support but it usually doesn't last long.  The thought that I'm weak and I need to do it on my own quickly takes over and I completely disregard any help I've asked for and have been given.  That has to be very frustrating for people.  If I've done that to you, I apologize. 

Once I actually thought about the ways I'm prideful I realized it is completely holding me back.  It's good to be independent but it truly does become like a straight jacket when it is taken too far.  I've started being aware of when I say no I don't need help.  Like the other day at church.  I'm using crutches on and off to help manage my pain until I can get in to see the specialist.  I was using my crutches and I had a heavy bag for my primary lesson and another bag.  I'm trying to carry these, use the crutches, and walk at the same time.  Someone asked if I needed help.  Of course I said nope I'm good.  Then I paused and realized I was being unreasonable so I took the person up on her offer to help me.  You know it made the long walk into church so much easier. 

I was reminded that Heavenly Father is always there to help me but I have to be willing to ask and expect an answer.  I have trouble with the expecting an answer.  I'm ask but I tend to feel like that help is reserved for someone better than I am.  I feel like I need to hit these low moments in my life to truly be open to being helped.  I don't know what is going to happen with this latest set back but I do know that if I'm going to get through it to the best of my ability I'm going to have to swallow my pride and accept help.

All We Have Is This Moment

I feel inspired to tell you about this program I'm taking called the Landmark Forum.  Going in I wasn't really sure what to expect other than the little bit my life coach and friend Jenn was trying to tell me.  She drew two circles and told me there's what happened and the story about what happened.  What happened was all that happened and the story of what happened didn't actually happen.  (Yeah well why does it feel like it happened?!)  Then she tried to convince me it was a good idea to write an accountability letter to the person in my story.  I wasn't too keen on that idea but agreed.  Oh yeah and then actually read it to him. Psshhh. No. 

Fast forward two months and I walk in to the building the Forum is at a little before 8:30am just like my responsible self was told to do and being the people pleaser that I am, I had to do it.  I walk in the door and look around and notice a whole lot of chairs.  I'm thinking Jenn said she barely saw Richard so we much not be in this room the whole weekend so I decide it's okay. Now here is where you'll need to bare with me.  First I'd like to tell you about my experience of being at the Forum then I will tell you what I learned.

I felt horrified, mislead, and relieved a few hours in when I realized the entire Forum would take place in that room with 142 terrifying strangers.  Horrified needs no explanation.  Mislead because I talked to Jenn. I said I didn't couldn't handle being in a class with people I knew and she led me to believe that I wouldn't even see them.  Relieved because the person I knew that said they were going to be there couldn't actually be there. Phew.  Dodged that bullet.

The first day I was my typical self. After every break I nervously looked for the least scariest person I could sit next to.  At dinner we were encouraged to eat in groups of 3 to 5 people, unless we had a burning desire to eat alone, which yes I did.  We were asked to participate and if it was to go up to the microphone to ask a question or to participate, there was no way I was going to raise my hand.  If a question was asked where we could just raise our hands to indicate the answer, I'd raise my hand - half way.  At the end of the first day I wasn't sure where things were going but I was pretty excited about finding out.

I'm not exactly sure what happened between the end of the first night and the start of the second day but somewhere in that time I lost my fear of participating.  I didn't make that decision it just kind of snuck up on my.  When the coach asked for volunteers to go up and share about the rackets they run I was more than stunned when I realized my hand was in the air.  Not the little half hand raise where you can pretend to participate but still hide your participation.  No, I'm talking all in, full on, hand raised, pick me, participation.  I got picked.  Anyone who knows me might guess my next thought is complete panic but huh? No, a little nervous to be standing in front of 142 strangers but I was fine with it. So it gets to be my turn and I'm explaining to, Jeff, the coach where I'm having trouble with my racket and he asks me who's in your story?  Instantly I got emotional.  I had see it over and over again the day before.  I was thinking, I'd be ready for the questions.  I wouldn't cry in front of all of those people. I gave a vague answer of my family.  Then Jeff asked me to name the 2 or 3 people in my story.  I said my mom, my dad...crap. must. fight. tears....., my grandpa.

Jeff asked what is my story with them.  Okay I regained my composure.  I'm good. My mom left. My dad left....zzzzz pause....My grandpa.....nope, there's no fighting the tears this time....my grandpa would tell me on a regular basis that the only reason I was there was because nobody wanted me.  I heard a couple of people gasp in the room so that made me brave enough to look at who was in the room besides Jeff.  I was surprised I saw a number of people crying.  I don't think I said anything profound or tragic.  It's just my story.  I didn't feel like anyone was judging me. Jeff then coached me through what I decided about that and then yelled it didn't happen.  I figured out my racket with I don't deserve happiness, love, acceptance... if because I can't have a happy successful life because I needed to punish my mom, dad, and grandpa for everything in my story.  My story didn't happen.  What happened, happened and even most of that DID NOT HAPPEN. Okay, okay he's right.  He asked me if I could get a hold of my dad and I said I could track him down. Jeff asked me if I was ready to give up my payoff to be able to a invent a new possibility of being.  I told him that I was.  He gave me an assignment on my break to call my dad. I knew when I told him I'd do it, I would.  I felt a shift.  I felt the possibility.

Before that I was strongly against talking to my dad again.  Not because I didn't love him but because after I talked to him things felt hopeless, like there was so future there.  I wasn't sure how long it would actually take to get a hold of my dad.  I didn't have his number and I didn't know if I could get a hold of someone who had his number. I lucked out and found his old business number still listed online and it had a phone number.  I didn't realize that, that phone number went to a landline but I managed to get through to him.  I told him about the class I was taking and that I realized that I was still blaming him for leaving and that it was effecting every other relationship that I had and I told him that I was sorry for doing that.  He said I didn't need to apologize because he was a bad father. We talked for a little bit and basically left it as I wanted a relationship with him and he wanted a relationship with me and he gave me his cell phone number.  After I hung up on the phone with him I felt it. I felt the space that Jeff was talking about.  For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt that I could invent a possibility for having a new relationship with my dad that wasn't weight down by the past.

I think that was a huge turning point for me because I felt free.  I wasn't afraid to raise my hand and speak. I wasn't afraid of who I sat next to because I might have to talk to them or worrying if they were judging me.  I really got the potential that this program had for my live. 

During the rest of my time in class what I learned from the Landmark Forum is an understanding of what life is and what it is made up of.  Most people live their life past, present, future.  What I learned was that THIS present moment is what I have.  I can have the life that I want if I invent the possibility and what is possible isn't defined by my past.  The possibility I invent can be anything I choose it to be. It isn't past, present, future. It's future (invent the possibility), present (action), past (result of the possibility and action).  You might be wondering how it could take 39 hours over 3 days to learn this.  This isn't a new concept.  I've been told versions of this my entire life.  Here's the thing I learned the first day of class: the purpose of the class wasn't to learn about it as a spectator in the stands watching and acquiring book knowledge.  I was asked to get out of the stands and get on the court in my life.  Every discussion between Jeff and any of the participants wasn't to be watched as an impartial observer of the conversation but as my life.  The stories might have been different but there was always a way to see it as my life.

I was stunned to feel how inauthentic my life has been up until this point.  It's a totally different experience when I'm engaged, seeing, experiencing, doing, being, present in my life. It truly is creating another realm of possibility instead of fixing what's not broken.  What I learned from the program is how to get on the court and be present in my life.  I learned that there is incredible freedom in truly understanding that all I has is this moment. What I do with the next moment is any possibility I invent.  I choose to invent the possibility of being limit less. 

This program really help me know what transformation means.  I knew what it meant from an intellectual stand point but I didn't know in my heart.  Obviously you can't have a complete transformation in 3 days but I do believe that I felt what a transformation is.  I still have to act.  That's not tomorrow, that's not yesterday, that's right now.  When I left there at 10pm three days later I can honestly say I invented a new realm of possibility for my life.

Messages Come From Unexpected Places

I watched a movie over the weekend called 'Home Run'.  I seem to be drawn to the movies where people have to overcome obstacles and this movie was no exception.  Here is the premise of the movie: "Pro baseball player Cory Brand is forced into a rehabilitation program in his Oklahoma hometown after several alcohol-related incidents. He is responsible for injuring his brother in an alcohol-related crash."

In the movie Cory is, at first, in denial that he has a problem.  He's a cocky pro baseball player who thinks he can do whatever he wants.  But you see from the very beginning what drives him.  In the open scene of the movie a young Cory Brand is forced to stand in front of the barn taking pitch after pitch from is drunk father.  You can tell that this happens often because there is a large whole in the barn from the baseballs hitting it.  Every time his dad those a pitch, young Cory flinches and doesn't swing the bat.  He's dad yells at him as he continues to drink. 

Flash forward to Cory a much older pro baseball player.  As he stands waiting for a pitch he flashes back to his youth and we can hear the words his father would say to him.

These type of movies are probably cheesy to most people but I love them.  I love to see people overcome their struggles and get to a better place.  They make me happy. 

I don't know that this movie would have stood out to me enough to warrant a blog post about it if it hadn't been for the ending.  It spoke to me and where I'm at.  At the end Cory stands up in front of a group of people at Celebrate Recovery. It's a Christian based 12 step program.  As he is speaking he tells about the struggles he had to change and how he was powerless to make those changes.  It wasn't until he realized that he was powerless without God that he really was able to conquer his demons and make a true and lasting change. 

I know for myself I feel like I do better when I'm focusing on doing the things that Heavenly Father would want me to do, rather than what I want to do.  I still struggle with trusting Heavenly Father to help me change my life.  Honestly I still struggle with my feelings about Heavenly Father. I don't know how to trust that in the end things will be okay.  What hasn't been my experience.  I think the words that were spoken in the movie touched me because that is what I strive for.  It was just a good reminder of who really does know best and that I need to continue to work on letting go of my need to control everything.

Injuries Equal Brain-death

Most people would agree that I tend to over think things, except apparently when it comes to physical pain.  I often wonder why I can't remember to think farther than what I want to do when I'm physically injured.  Take today for instance.

I haven't been able to do much in the last two weeks because my knee and lower leg have been killing me.  When I woke up I didn't have any pain so brilliant me decided I'd walk to church.  I was almost there when my achilles tendon started tightening up and my knee started hurting. So of course my next thought is 'what was I thinking?! I have to walk home".

I get about a fourth of the way home and I start thinking about how great it would be just to lay on the ground and let the pain subside...but I press on.  About half of the way home I think about how I really felt like crying and not wanting to take one more step...but still I press on.  Every step wondering how it is that I can't think about the consequences of my actions when it comes to my injuries.  I finally make it to my building and look up the stairs and again contemplate stilling on the stairs - just for a little while. Nope, relief is so close that I must press forward.  I open the door and there are obstacles in may way.  Of the moving four legged variety.  It's times like these that I really wish that they love me less. I mean come on!  They just saw me and they act like they haven't seen me in days.

I have relief in my sights and just a few more steps and it takes everything in me to not yell at them to get the heck away from me.  Ah, finally made it!

Injuries stink!  If you've tried to lose weight then you know that injuries come with the territory, however this particular injury is even more grating.  It's not an injury from losing weight, it's an injury from gaining weight.  I believe the internet refers to it as a weekend warrior injury.  If defines it as a person who spends most of the week sitting at a desk job and then decides to get active on the weekends.

Sad to say but, yes that is me. For the longest time I worked out practically every day.  Then I had surgery and I let myself fall back into my old habits.  It was a small slide at first with a valid reason for not working out like I used to.  I was recovering from surgery.  The doctor said to take it easy.  When I got the all clear, I felt how far I had fallen.  Everything was such effort.  I can't blame it all on the surgery because I think the greater pain was being caused from the fact that I gained a lot of weight.

You'd think that would be motivation to get back at it and try to eat healthy and lose weight but you'd be wrong.  It's more like inertia.  The more you stay entrenched in those old habits the more your brain wants to keep you there - even when your brain and body know exactly why that is the dumbest idea ever.  I think my when I get overwhelmed my brain kicks into autopilot and decides it's not going think about it.  Ignorance is bliss!  Well, except for when I get a rude reminder that I am in pain and really should be trying to do better so I can alleviate the pain. 

I'm a very undisciplined person.  Why do I continue to sabotage myself when I'm causing myself physical pain?  I wanted to workout so much that I was willing to endure a whole lot of pain in my foot.  I'd wake up crying because my foot hurt so bad but in the morning I'd get up and do it all over again.  I'd push myself until I'd have to crawl across the floor because I couldn't take one more step.  I thought I had learned my lesson when I needed to have foot surgery because I wouldn't listen and take it easy.   

I'm so quick to give into my temptations when it comes to food but when it comes to being physically active, I continually seek to push myself past the point of tears.  I don't put any thought into it.  I get something in my head that I really want to do and I just do it, consequences be darned.  I don't understand why. Why is it that I feel like I'm being weak by not pushing through physical pain when I that thought doesn't even cross my mind when it comes to giving in to food cravings.

I need to find a healthy balance.  I need to learn to think before I act when it comes to physical things and I need to spend less time thinking about emotional struggles and learn to act.

I can't be the only one with this problem!  Do you have this problem?! 

I Quit! Part 1

I made an important decision this week.  I've decided to stop trying to lose weight!.....Now before you sign me up for the crazy farm here me out.

For months now I've felt like I've been focusing on the wrong things.  A few months back I even decided to take action and design what I felt I should be focusing on.  It worked well - for a while.  Then I started doubting myself and falling back into my old habits of trying to fix where I went wrong with my weight loss.

I was given to great pieces of advise recently.  One by, Patrick, my friend and former weight loss coach and the by Jenn, also my friend and life coach. The focus of this blog post is the advice that Patrick gave me.

First, Patrick told me he thought I should approach the whole weight loss thing like I do my work.  I had to think about that one.  I tend to overwork and my boss says that I need to delegate more.  Basically I'm a control freak.  Ah, but I'm not a control freak anymore.  I'm a recovering control freak.  When I really thought about how to apply weight loss to how I do my job, I'd realized how much I've changed my ways.  There was a time when I needed everything I did at work to be perfect.  My motto was if I want did done right, I need to do it myself.  I'd work an insane amount of hours to make that happen and was really cranky - ask anyone.  One day I realized I couldn't go on like that. I was miserable. I hated my job. I dreaded going into work.  I couldn't be perfect and it made me feel like a failure. I was ready to quit my job.  I'll admit I did try to quit several times but the owner of the company wouldn't let me. 

After I knew quitting wasn't an option I decided make some changes because clearly what I was doing wasn't working.  Instead of trying to work harder and keep that death grip on everything I decided I needed to quit trying so hard.  The truth is the office was way understaffed and there were and are too many things on my plate.  The old me said everything had to be done perfectly and right now.  The new me decided that I only have so many hours in the day and I wasn't going to worry about it anymore.  I work on the highest priority items for the day and get them done. Then I fit in the less important, to do items.  As long as I get the high priority things done I'm good.  I don't stress myself out when I look at a long list because I don't worry about it.  I just take the first must do of the day and I get to work. 

No, I can't devote all of my attention to every single thing that needs to be done but I've learned to do what I can and be okay with that.  Something amazing happened when I started doing this - I actually started being more productive.  I realized I spent a lot of time worrying.  Precious time that could be spent working instead of driving myself crazy.

I tend to obsessively worry in my personal life.  When I really thought about what Patrick said I realized he had a very valid point.  However, the first things I thought about were all the things I do wrong.  I still have trouble delegating.  I still tend to go into fix it mode when I find mistakes others have made instead of teaching them what they did wrong so they correct it. Compared to how I am overall these things aren't that important.  Yes, there are things I'm working on and have to make a conscious effort everyday to do but my general approach to my job has made my life so much easier.

I think the single most important change I made in my job want to stop over thinking things.  I don't spend a lot of time thinking about all of the things I have to do, when they are do, etc.  I just take action.  Yes, when I get to a particular task I will think about the best approach if it's a brain teaser but I don't obsess over it.  If it requires some thought I go on to the next task to give my brain time to formulate a strategy for that particular task.  I have found it works wonders.  I get other things done and soon I have figured out what I need to do for the task I was stuck on.  It's never failed me to get set it aside until I know what I'm going to do instead of forcing myself to sit and beat my head against the wall until I will myself to figure it out and do it before I move on.  So why do I continue to beat my head against the wall when it comes to weight loss? 

I knew I have to do things differently months ago when I designed a new system that mirrors how I handle myself at work.  I didn't realize it at that time but I do know that Patrick suggested I handle my personal life like I do my job.

I've treated my weight loss like the task that I continue to beat my head against the wall until I solve it. Thinking about how to solve it won't solve it.  I need to stop trying so hard.  I need to let go of that death grip I have with it and just relax and take things as they come...which leads me to what I learned from Jenn.  That will be explained in "I Quit part 2". 

Vent

I've been feeling like I don't want to go to church anymore.  No particular reason.  I've just been wanting to keep to myself lately.  Yes, I think I am feeling down.  I have to desire to workout either.  Partly because my leg is really bothering me, partly because all I want to do is sit at home and do nothing. 

I really wasn't feeling like being at church today but I went anyway because I had to teach my primary kids.  It's hard to stay in a bad mood around them.  Technically I didn't teach them about Moses like I was supposed to but we did go over the articles of faith.  They were so excited about learning them so they could check off that they knew them.  I decided to learn the articles of faith with them.  I told them we really had to do a lesson next week or I was going to get fired from primary.  Sophia was smiling and then it registered what I said and she got a serious look on her face and shook her head that I couldn't leave.  Of course I was joking but it was sweet that she didn't want me to leave.  They are listening to me better this week which is nice.  I'm not as reluctant to call them on their stuff.  Like Elise always wanting to sit in the window.  I'm beginning to think she just likes me to go through all the reasons she needs to sit in her seat because when I walked in she smiled at me and said I want to sit in the window. I told her we go over this every week and she knows that I'm not going to allow her to sit on the window sill.  That was all it took for her to sit in her seat. 

Weight loss doesn't make me happy yet I tend to focus on exercising and trying to fix what I do wrong.  It's not a purpose.  I feel like I have a purpose when I'm with my primary kids.  It's so cool watching them understand things and get excited about learning.  It's even fun when they try to get there own way.  My co-teacher would probably be horrified at how  not strict I am with them.  Okay, yes, I get the importance of reverence but if they aren't being loud or disrespectful then it's not that serious. I want them to look forward to coming to class every week, not dreading another boring lesson.

Granted I don't have kids so who knows, I could be doing things totally wrong.  They mostly sit in their seats and they don't ignore me when I ask them to do something. Today when I told them we had ten minutes to talk about Moses they all listened.  They gave me a hard time because I actually remembered the opening prayer today.  I forget a lot and they hardly ever remind me that I forgot but they love to give me a hard time about not remembering.

The greater fear - life or death?

I had an appointment with the cardiologist today.  He once again told me how important it was to lose weight.  He has this big monitor where he shows me my stats. Nothing like seeing my failure in six month increments.

It's nice that he's so patient with me.  He answers all of my questions.  He went over my risk factors and explained that because of my heart condition blood clots are my biggest concern.  He said that he could see from my history that I know how to lose weight but I just have to mental get there.  It was a little discouraging when he told me that statistically my chances a losing weight and keeping it off aren't good.

One of my biggest fears is having a heart attack and the doctor is telling me I need to change my ways or that is a very real possibility.  The doctor said if I give him six months of sustained effort he'd give me 6 months off as long as I maintained my weight.  He said if I gave him 100 pounds of weight loss he'd give me a year off as long as I didn't gain.

The thought of having to lose all of the weight all over again is overwhelming.  The first time I lost it, I didn't lose it because I believed I could or that I was worth it.  I did it because Patrick believed I could.  I never believed in myself.  I still don't believe in myself.  Part of me wonders if I fear living more than I fear dying.  Part of me wonders if I'm just too lazy to make any real change. 

It scares me that whether I succeed or fail is totally and completely up to me.  I have no problem letting myself down again and again.  How am I possibly going to succeed when I've failed so many times before?! 

The cardiologist hasn't told me anything I didn't already know but I like to ignore what he says because it scares me.  I don't know how to deal with it so I pretend that everything is fine.  What's to stop me from doing that again these next six months.  Right now I'm scared but I'm also very good and shutting down my emotions and ignoring reality.

Right now I'm not mentally in the right frame of mind to make a decision on what comes next but instead of doing nothing my goal for tomorrow is to drink 80oz of water.

My Birthday

My birthday post didn't sit well with me so I decided I needed a new post.  I think it didn't sit well with me because most of the things I talked about don't matter to me anymore.  They are just the superficial reasons that I had come to avoid my birthday.

Here's the thing, it's not that my parents forgot my birthday that still makes me a little sad but that I don't have them in my life.  When I forgave them for their shortcomings it made me remember how much I love them, miss them, and wish that they were around.  Birthdays and holidays are when I miss my family.  I grew up watching other people celebrate these days and always wishing that my family could be like that too.  Outwardly I'd say celebrating those things just didn't matter to me but it was the lie I told myself to get through those days.  Now that I'm able to choose whether I celebrate these things I have mixed feelings about it.

It's true part of me wants to be excited about my birthday but the other part doesn't want to make a big deal about it. It's kind of like two different worlds.  I'm friends with a lot of people who love to celebrate birthday's.  I think it's cool that they get so excited.  On the other hand I have the whole it's just another day mentality.  It feels wrong to get excited about my birthday even though I've always been secretly fond of my birthday because I share a birthday with my favorite uncle.

I'm going to be honest and admit that the reason I want to treat it as just another day is because part of me doesn't feel like MY birthday is worthy to be celebrated.  In my original post I said I'm not the type of person what people show up for and that is the way I still feel.  My birthday usually competes with Memorial Day Weekend and lets be honest Memorial Day weekend plans are important.  I get it. I almost always look forward to holiday weekends.  Most of the time it's not because of the holiday itself but because it's a long three day weekend that I usually try to extend by taking PTO days.   

There is one thing that I will never understand.  It's when people hate their birthday just because they are another year older.  If you've made it to another birthday then that means you are still alive - heck ya that deserves to be celebrated!

I think that's where I am this year. I didn't want to just ignore my birthday as I have in year's past. Last year I had an awesome birthday so why wouldn't I want to have another awesome birthday?! Yeah, I have a little bit of anxiety about giving up control of what I'm doing for my birthday this year but it's nice that someone else cares to celebrate it.

I'm going to leave my original post about my birthday only for context but as I said my original post didn't sit well with me.  I kept things superficial and I know I can do better than that.

Everything below is my original post.

This week's blog post is dedicated to my love/hate feelings about my birthday.  I like to be excited about my birthday but I have to be in control of my own plans for my birthday or else it makes me anxious.

Take this week for instance.  I've been thinking about what I want to do for my birthday and my friend Jenn throws a wrench into my plans.  I was thinking I'd go out of town by myself for a long weekend.  Maybe do something I've always wanted to do.  Then I was like well maybe Jenn would want to go with me so I asked her.  It didn't look like it was going to work out so I continued to make my own plans to spend my birthday away from home by myself.  Jenn called me up last week and informed me that she was talking me out for my birthday on Thursday and she thought that we should do to Disneyland next weekend.  I love how she just said I'm going out to dinner with her on Thursday.  Haha.  If she would have asked I probably would have said no that's okay. I don't want to go.  I don't like when other people make a big deal about my birthday even though I do actually like it.

Yes, we've already established I'm weird but I'm especially weird about my birthday.  I don't like to leave my birthday up to other people. My family has never been big on birthday's.  My parents usually forgot.  Well, maybe my dad forgot but it's hard to believe my mom forgot.  She has to endure the pain of giving birth to me so I'd imagine that would be hard to forget.  I don't remember her calling on my birthday. 

I always told myself that it wasn't a big deal. It was just a birthday but I'll admit there is a reason I hate my birthday - birthday parties.  I've had two.  One was the year I moved in with my grandparents and only one person showed up.  It was a mortifying experience.  I never thought about having another birthday party again until a few years ago when my friend Faith wanted to throw me a party.  I told her about my first experience with a party and I dragged my feet because I honestly felt like I wasn't the type of person people would show up to a party for.  It was awesome of Faith to want to do that for me so I had the party. Faith and her family were the only people who showed up.  Yeah, no more parties for me.

Last year I decided I'd make my own plans for my birthday and it was the best birthday I've ever had.  It was my 35th birthday and I wanted to do something I had never done before so I decided to go white water rafting for my birthday.  I had a blast that's why this year I decided I was going to do my own thing again for my birthday. 

It makes me nervous that I don't know where Jenn is taking me for my birthday.  I know it's just a control thing because  I'm sure I'll like wherever we go.  I just don't like surprises.  It makes me happy that I have friends that care to get excited about my birthday.  I just wish I was in control of the plans.  I can't be disappointed if I'm the one who makes the plans right?  It's not that I don't want to go but it's driving me nuts that she won't tell me where we are going.  I'm trying to get better about my need to control everything though.

 I am excited about Disneyland though.  I've never been there and that is never a place I would have chosen to go.  I was thinking the beach or the mountains, someplace quiet.  Someplace that I could go and have a good time by myself but that wouldn't have been nearly as fun.

Measure of Success

In my life things tend to change in an instant but a lot of times that is the only thing that will make me change. I tend to freak out about it at first.  I doubt myself endlessly.  I'm so scared of failing, or maybe it's success, that I'm reluctant to change.  I think that this is why life gives me an unwanted push at times.

I was forced out of my comfort zone on Friday.  The metabolic program has been my life for almost three years now and Friday I decided that it was time to stop going.  Of course that didn't happen by my choice because remember I'm reluctant to change.  I can't really get into the specifics behind this change but, yeah I freaked out about it.  The program has been my safety net and as I have come to learn in the last few months it's also my crutch.

I am terrified of being on my own.  I had great success at losing weight and also an almost complete regression in weight loss.  It would be easy to say that my three years in the program were an epic failure. I have even thought that myself, but then I started really looking at the last three years.  I looked at how I've been measuring my success.  I was measuring it by the number on the scale but that is the wrong measure.

Almost three years ago I was beyond depressed.  I was without hope and I wished every night that I could just never wake up again.  I had few friends.  I wasn't close to my family. I was almost completely isolated from people. I had zero self esteem.  I'd go to work and go home.  I had nothing or no one to live for.

Have you ever felt like you were meant to meet certain people in your life?  That's how I feel about Patrick.  It was shortly before I meant him that I had a light bulb moment.  That moment wasn't that I have to get healthy to live a long life.  It was that dying didn't have to be some pie in the sky wish.  It was completely within my control as to whether I lived or died.  That thought consumed me.  I then started working with Patrick in the metabolic program.  I didn't want to be there.  I was angry and depressed.  One night I was having a particularly bad day and I had absolutely nothing left to give.  I wanted to die.  I was ready but instead I did something I rarely did - I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me.  It helped that I didn't have any fight left in me because it's one of the few times I was able to sincerely pray without resistance.  I told Heavenly Father that I couldn't go one like this and that if He wanted me to live, I needed His help because I couldn't do it on my own.  I told Him that I had no idea how to find my way back to Him and begged him to help me feel peace.

The very next day I was workout out and I was the only one left, which never happened.  Patrick came over to me and asked if he could talk to me about something.  I said sure.  He was all nervous and kind of trip over his words.  He asked me if I believed in God.  I said yes but I didn't go to church or anything.  He then told me he felt prompted to tell me about what he believes.  As soon as he said that I kind of smiled because I knew exactly what that was and my thought was "huh, that was unexpected."  Patrick is LDS and in all of my searching I did to find a church, LDS was never one of them.  Not that I knew much about them. When I moved to Arizona people warned me to stay away from them.  He asked me if I wanted to go to the visitors center at the temple with him and I said I'd go.  I reluctantly agreed to meet with the missionaries but only on the condition that they didn't have my phone number and didn't show up at my place.  I never invited anyone to my place.  I had to go out into the world everyday and it was a place I wanted no part of.  It scared me. It made my anxious.  Being home was the only place I felt safe and I didn't want anyone invaded the my only safe place.

Patrick volunteered to be the go between, between me and the missionaries and he also when to all of the discussions.  It wasn't easy.  I fought it.  I didn't think it was for me but I wanted it to be for me.  I wanted to feel that Heavenly Father loved me.  I wanted to feel peace.  One day the missionary asked me to pray about whether the church was true.  I did this on several occasion and never felt anything.  The words on in the Book of Mormon were just words on a page, however this particular day I had a feeling like I never had before.  For the first time in my life I felt peace.  I felt like I found a home.  Most people incorrectly assumed that was with the people in the church but it wasn't.  It was through the scriptures and my home was with Heavenly Father.  Still to this day I have trouble feeling like I belong when I'm around the people in my ward but my heart found peace in the scriptures.  That was something I had prayed for.

As I met with the missionaries I finally agree to let them come over to my place.  The first time I let them in I felt violated.  I felt like that by willingly letting them invade my space I gave up my safe place.  I was so angry with myself for doing that.  It was a while before I had them over again. 

Something else interesting happened when I decided to join the church.  I had always felt like my soul was dead and when I joined the church it felt like my soul came to life.  I realize now that many years ago I turned my back on God because that is the only way I knew how to shut down.  It hurt too much to feel so I made myself not feel.

I've come to realize I knew very little about myself.  My opinion of myself was that I was a stupid, lazy, fat pig, that nobody wanted or could ever love.  I 100% believed that I was nothing but a waste of space and didn't deserve to breath air.  I hated everything about myself. 

I still battle some of this. This is there because some of it was what I was told by others and some of it is what I told myself to make it okay for the adults in my life to not love me the way they should have.  If you ask me about any of these people I would say without a doubt that they were good people.  I saw them at there best.  They were kind, loving, people. That is the truth.  It had to be my fault that I could never make them happy or stay out of there way because they were good people.

I've always seen why my parents and grandparents were they way they were but I couldn't make myself believe that the way they treated me was because of their issues and not because I had some sort of personality defect that made me unlovable. 

Through Patrick I met Jenn, who is a life coach.  She helped me process all of the old baggage that I was carrying around.  It helped me feel that they were people with their own pain.  I do believe that if any of them knew how much their words and actions effected me they would be sorry.  It helped me forgive them.

Through the metabolic program I also met a lot of great people who I love spending time with and many of whom are like family to me.  Last year I switched from working with Patrick to working with Chris.  To say that was hard would be an understatement but it actually turned out to be the best thing.  Had I not switched I may have never known that I have an anxiety disorder.  Since I've been on medication it's really helped me with my fear of people.  Chris also taught me how to feel connected to people.  I used to feel like I was defective because I always felt an emotional disconnect from people.  Chris is a hugger and it was through him that I realized that physical contact is what I need to feel connected to people.

Finding the metabolic program didn't give me my life back, it helped me find my life.  Before I joined the program I was just wanting to die. I have finally found a place where my heart feels peace through the scriptures. I've learned how to trust that people and I'm learning how to trust myself.  I have accepted that I do have value in this world.  Yes, occasionally I still struggle with it but I'm doing a million times better than when I started the program 3 years ago.  I found forgiveness for my family members and for myself.  I've learned that I'm not the horrible person I told myself I was.  That I wasn't the way I was because I was heartless but because I loved too much.  I didn't know what to do with the rejection so I had to shut down in order to survive.

In these last 3 years I have lost a hundred pounds and gained back most of it but so what.  I didn't pray to Heavenly Father to help me lose weight.  I prayed to Him to help me save my life and he has done that.  I have a completely different life than I had three years ago so it would be crazy to say my time in the metabolic program was anything less than a success just because I have very little weight loss to show for it.  When I was focused on the weight loss it distracted me from working on my real issues.  The issues that caused the weight gain in the first place.

That is not to say that I'm going to accept where I am with my weight because I'm not.  There is an entire world out there that I want to live in without self made limitations.  I don't want to have to worry if I sit in a chair if it's going to break.  I want to be able to be active.  I want to live the life I was meant to live and  I want to be the person that I was meant to be.  

As I'm now looking at life beyond the metabolic program, I'm hopeful.  I have felt for a very long time now that I can't or won't lose weight until I believe in myself.  I don't think I was supposed to be in the program to lose weight. I think I was supposed to be in the program for all of the people that it brought into my life.  Each one of the people I've met over the last three years have changed by life. I think I needed the program to give me the confidence in myself to know that I'm worth losing weight.  Oh I'm terrified to leave the comfort of the people that have become my family but I really think that this is what I need.   I was too afraid to make the change for myself so the change was made for me.  I can either resist it or embrace it.

It's time for me to believe in myself.  

My Why

Okay it's been way too long since I've had a new entry.  I just haven't had anything to share but now I do.  I'm sure that most people would agree that weight loss is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life.  I've lost 100 pounds and I've gained 60 of those pounds back.  Why?  I've been asking myself this question a lot lately.

First, I'm asking myself what is my why for wanting to lose weight.  There are so many things that losing weight can help with but I feel like there is a more important reason why.  I just can't put my finger on it but I feel it.  While I think more on that let's go through all of the "things" that weight loss can do for me.

• I would love to be able to sit in one airplane seat without a seat belt extender.  When I think of that it makes my heart happy. 
• The cardiologist said that I need to.  One of my fears is having heart problems at a young age like others in my family.  The cardiologist said my arteries are not shaped right which is why I have to have better than good blood work and I need to work out at least 45 minutes every day.
• I want to be able to climb a rock wall.
• I've secretly always wanted to be a runner.  I'm not sure if my knees could take running but I'd at least like to know that I can do it.
• I love physical challenges.  I don't want my weight to limit what I can do.  Yes, some of them are limits I put on myself but others are weight limits.  I want to eliminate weight from being a reason I can't or won't do something. 
• I believe that there is something I'm supposed to do with my life that the weight is holding me back from.  I think a big part of this is that I'm afraid to put myself out there because the world is not kind to overweight people. 
• I love hiking.  Right now when I hike everything hurts.  It's not the enjoyable experience it once was.  I get winded easily.  I feel weighed down.  I want to be able to enjoy being out in nature and know that I can try any hike.
• I want to try down hill skiing.  I don't want to hurt myself and I feel like I would if I tried it now.
• I don't want weight to be the reason I injure myself. 

There are others but the most important reason I want to lose weight is because I feel like there is something I'm supposed to learn from doing so that will help me with what I'm supposed to do in my life.  When I was asking myself why I want to lose weight another why popped into my head.  "Why do I hate myself so much".  Every time I start to have success with weight loss I get angry.  It feels like the weight is my punishment. I've been asking myself why.

"I don't feel like I'm a good person." Why?  I've made so many mistakes in my life.  I feel like if I had made different choices then life would have been different.  What do I regret?

• That nothing can be fixed with my mom.  I was hurt that she left me when I was younger.  I didn't ask her to stay.  I can acknowledge that I didn't ask her to stay because I wanted her to have a better life but I could handle her leaving.  I still remember the feeling of her leaving.  It felt like my heart was breaking.  I couldn't handle what I was feeling and I chose to turn my back on her and God.  I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I swore I'd never cry over her again.  The only way I could get through it was not to feel so I also turned my back on God.  It's probably the decision I regret the most.  I feel like I killed a piece of my soul.  In turning my back on her I lost my chance to fix things with her before she died.  Because of my anger and my hurt I never got the chance to tell her I loved her.  I never got the chance to tell her I forgive her for leaving and to ask for forgiveness for my negative feelings towards her.  I know that she was a good person and I shouldn't have let my hurt and anger cloud my judgment.  I've thought horrible things about her and it's not right.  I love her and I couldn't get past my hurt to just tell her that.  She died without knowing that I loved her.   
• I turned my back on God.  Since finding my way back to Heavenly Father I realize how much that decision to turn my back on Him changed my life.  I know what I experienced was a spiritual death.  I felt dead inside.  I felt like I had no hope, no peace and that is on me.  I made that choice.
• I didn't go back and tell my grandma I loved her even though I felt that I should have.  I remember that day clearly too.  I was leaving her hospital room and as I was walking away I had the thought that I needed to go back and tell her I loved her.  I didn't do it.  I said I'd just do in next time.  There was no next time.  She died before I saw her again.  I feel like I was a bad granddaughter.  I stopped going to see her. Partly because it was hard to see her like that.  It was hard to see her begging to die but a bigger part of the reason I stopped going is because I didn't feel like going.  I wanted to stay home and do my own thing while she was in the hospital fighting for her life.  I didn't know.  She had been in the hospital so many times before and she had always come home.  I thought she would be home.  I didn't understand that she was dying.  I hope she understands how much I love her and how sorry I am for not seeing her when I had the chance.  I regret not going back and telling her I loved her.  I hope she knows that.
• My choices are part of the reason my dad left.  He was getting divorced for the second time and he came to see my at my grandma's and grandpa's house.  He asked me where I wanted to live.  My sister said with grandma and grandpa so I said with grandma and grandpa even though I desperately wanted to go with him.  The truth is I was scared and I didn't want to be without my sister.  She was always the braver one and I felt better knowing she was around. I acknowledge that he was the adult and that was a choice he should have never asked a 7 year old to make but it was MY decision.  I've told him I feel like with that decision he got his feelings hurt and he left.  He said he agrees with that.  I never meant to hurt him.  I was just afraid to be without my sister.  I love him so much and I feel like this decision is why we don't have a good relationship now. 
• I let people convince me that I wasn't good enough. That there was something wrong with me.  I didn't stand up for myself.  I didn't fight back.  I just accepted what they said as the truth.  For this I feel like I deserved to be unhappy.  I believed that my mom was a loser because I was told that.  I believed that nobody wanted me because that is what I was told.  I didn't question it. I just accepted it.  That's on me.
• I was afraid to speak up.  All I wanted was to feel that my mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa loved me.  I never asked my mom not to leave.  I never told her that I loved her.  I told my dad I didn't want to live with him when that was a lie.  If I had just said something maybe things would have been different. 
• I never accepted my grandpa as my dad until I was much older.  I accepted any attention my dad would give me and I didn't really appreciate at the time that my grandpa took me into his home and was doing the best he could. All I saw was that he didn't want me because that's what he told me.  I believed his words and ignored his actions.  Grandma always said that actions speak louder than words.  His actions proved that he did love me but I couldn't see it.  I feel like me wanting to be with my dad got in the way of my relationship with my grandpa.  If I had seen things clearly and realized that my dad didn't know how to be a parent maybe I would have had a better relationship with my grandpa.  Did he think I didn't love him and appreciate him?  I was hurt by the words he said so I distanced myself from him.  Yes, he was wrong for the things he said but I can see now that he was in over his head.  He never had to raise my mom and aunt and he had no idea how to raise teenage girls.
• I chose myself over Carrie.  I stood by and let Mary scream in Carrie's face that nobody wanted her.  That wasn't true.  I love Carrie and I wanted her to be happy but I chose myself over her.  I could have told my grandpa that I would take Carrie but I didn't want to make sacrifices.  I didn't want to give up college.  I didn't want to have to worry about how to take care of her.  I stood by and said nothing.  I know how it feels to have someone yell that nobody wants you, yet I stood by and said nothing.  What kind of person does that?  A weak person.  Maybe if I would have said that's wasn't true that I wanted her things would be different for her.  I should have protected her and I did nothing. 
• I made other people's actions okay by hating myself.  My mom and dad both chose to walk away.  I couldn't hate them because I loved them so much so I had to make it my fault.  I acknowledge I made wrong choices I regret but they were the adults.  I made their choices okay by telling myself over and over again that I deserved for them to leave because I was stupid, ugly, unlovable, that I deserved to be alone.  I did that.  Okay, yes my grandma and grandpa helped that by telling me that nobody wanted me but I believed them.  I never questioned it.  I didn't know until recently that my mom tried to come back for me.  My dad wouldn't let her.  He said that if she tried he would take us away from my grandparents.  I heard that straight from his mouth.  Who does that?...  I don't know how to undo decades worth of self hate.

My biggest obstacle to weight loss isn't my issues with other people it's my issues with myself.  I was able to forgive my parents and grandparents but I haven't been able to forgive myself. 

Why to I want to lose weight?  To stop punishing myself for choices and decisions that I should have never had to make.  The weight might has started out as a bad coping mechanism but I've always felt that it turned into my punishment.  My proof that I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't lovable. That I was every bad thing I told myself I was. It's what my family harped on. 

Losing weight isn't about a number on a scale, it's about forgiving myself.  It's about loving myself enough to stop hurting myself. To stop punishing myself.  It's about understanding that I did the best I could with the situation I was in.  It's knowing that I can trust myself.  This is why I want to lose weight.