High Anxiety

My trainer, Patrick, offered to take me to the Temple visitors center which was fine, I didn't mind it, but now the missionaries from the church want to drop by which totally freaks me out. I knew I'd  have an issue because I'm extremely uncomfortable talking to people and just the thought of having to talk to them totally stresses me out - what was I thinking?! What I wasn't expecting was that most of my anxiety is having people in my house. I don't want them here. Not because they are from the church but because they are people invading my house, my space. It seems so irrational but it got me thinking.  Besides someone dropping something off or picking something up I've only invited one person into my house for a visit in the last decade. That was a friend and these are complete strangers that I'm going to be expected to hold a conversation with. The stress of this has made me want to eat all day long but when I did eat I felt like I was going to be sick.

I also noticed anger is right up there with the anxiety. Anger that I've allowed myself to get in the situation in the first place. I just want to be at home in bed and left alone. I don't want to be around anyone. It also makes me angry that people tell me I just need to get over it. Really?! Do they seriously think I like feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack just at the thought have having people in my house and having to talk to them? I'm also angry because at myself because I don't understand why this is such a big deal. Normal people have people over. Normal people can carry on conversations with people they don't know. I feel so retarded. What is wrong with me? It's like I go brain dead at just the thought of carrying on a conversation with someone I don't know. What was I thinking agreeing to have them come here? Patrick was like would it help if I were there? What I said was no, that's fine but what I was thinking was NOOOO!!!! I don't want you there so you can see for yourself how unbelievable uncomfortable I am around people. The truth is he already knows that. I stumbled over every question that was asked. I felt so stupid. I think my brain is slow when it comes to finding words to speak. I mean it's not like I'm stupid, I have lots of thoughts. My brain never shuts off.  I usually make a joke and tell people I'm socially retarded. People just laugh it off but if they only knew how deeply I believe that. I can't adequately describe the panic I feel when I know I'm going somewhere I'm not comfortable with because I may have to talk to people. Unfortunately it's the same when I'm in a group of people I do know.  I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. When I get home I usually get depressed and never want to go out in public again because of the anxiety but also because I feel like I'm so hopeless.

Hopeless because I've been alone most of my life. I'm tired of being alone but I feel like I've been alone so long that I don't know how to not be alone. I don't communicate well with people so it scares me to think that this will never change. I don't want this but I don't know what is wrong with my that I can't communicate like a normal person.

Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition

I had a light bulb moment as I was watching Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition - I have really put in the effort to truly lose weight. I was watching Rachel tonight and she worked her butt off to lose that weight. I put in maybe 30 minutes of half assed effort. I really need to step up my game if I'm going to lose any weight. I've read that when you are as overweight as I am you need to workout 2 hours a day to maintain a weight loss I wonder if this is true.

I know I've watched the Biggest Loser for years but for some reason it actually clicked tonight how much time and effort these people put in to lose weight. I need to have that dedication. Of course I know that it's not realistic to work out as much as they do on Biggest Loser because that is their full time job for 8 hours a day. I don't have that kind of time and I don't think it's healthy at least at home. They have trainers and medical personnel that monitor them all of the time. I do however think that I need to work harder than I have been. I will admit I do dog my workouts - just because I can, so I know I can work harder.

I haven't started my no eating out anymore yet. I will start tomorrow. I know that I'm always saying tomorrow and tomorrow never comes but I am determine to make tomorrow the day. I need to clean out the fridge before I go to bed tonight, I think that will help.
I also think I need to see a foot doctor about my pain in my foot. That gives me an excuse for not working out as hard as I could if it wasn't hurting. The truth is I can barely walk after my workout, but I doesn't really hurt all that must during the workout. I need to take away that excuse.

A little less weighed down

I've had a rough last couple of days. I've been feeling so down in the dumps. I've been going to a trainer to lose weight and I've been thinking that I'm just wasting my time. So much so that I skipped my session yesterday. My trainer called me and of course I didn't answer. I did listen to his message though and I did text him back today that I would be there tomorrow after work.  This is the second time that he has gotten me to keep going. I really wanted to give up and it's nice that he's trying to keep me from quitting.

I started my first real session with the eating disorder counselor today and she gave me things to work on. She said I have a new rule I'm not allowed to eat fast food ever except for Subway 1 time a week and no eating out period for a while. She said it's not to say that I can never have fast food again but I'm not allowed to have it until I am at my goal weight and then only when she says even if it is 5 years for now.

She said the reason for this is because I need to accept that I don't have the ability to say no right now to unhealthy food choices and I need to break my emotional connection to food. She said that by making it totally off limits I just know that is something I can't do so it won't set me up for making the wrong unhealthy choice if I had the choice of going there and eating healthy,.

I'm also supposed to grocery shop on Saturday and then go home and prepare all of the food for the week. I'm supposed to put it in bags or containers and label the day of the week it is for.

Right now I just need to concentrate on cooking and not worry so much about what I am eating but to try to keep it reasonable. Meaning don't buy a bag of chips.

I think it made me feel a little more hopeful than when I went in. I was pretty down about blowing my eating when I went to San Diego this weekend and she said that I'm not allowed to get down on myself if I slip up anymore. She said I need to figure out why I ate and look at it as an opportunity to grow instead of beating myself up about it.

I like that she is giving me something small to focus on like just eating at home because truthfully that will be a huge step for me. She also said that I need to add up all the money I spent on eating out and then all of the money I spent buying groceries and then at the end of the month I'm supposed to buy myself something or go on a trip. I'm allowed to do anything with it accept buy something food related or pay off debts with it. She said right now I need to reward myself and focus on meeting my goals.

I'm also supposed to get people on board with helping me make the right decisions and limit contact with anyone who is willing to enable my bad habits.  I was telling the counselor about how I went to San Diego and my friend was like your on vacation your supposed to cheat on vacation. I totally acknowledged that it was still my choice but I didn't make the right choices. That's when she said that I just need to realize that I don't have the ability to say no right now and that is why I need to not eat out at all.

I get what she is saying about eating out when she said I can't eat out until I can take it or leave it. Right now eating out has taken over my life. I'm too tired to cook, oh I'll eat out and I'll cook tomorrow but tomorrow never comes. I hate eating out all of the time it makes me feel lazy because tomorrow never comes. I'd really like to get to the point where I'd rather eat in than run by any fast food joint and pick something up.

I'm feeling a little better about things.