Biggest Loser

I'm sitting here watching the Biggest Loser finale thinking about how for they all have come. I see a lot of myself in each of them but who they were not who they are. I know the only difference between who they are and who I am is they found the strength to fight for their lives. I have to applaud them for that because it's much easier to fight for someone else than it is for yourself.

What a week!

Last week was an interesting week. It started off challenging as I knew it would. It's year end and with that comes the dreaded year end inventory count. That went as expected. Faster than anticipated the push to get production up sooner than I was ready for. I'm having surgery next week and I figured the invetory issues would be a factor in this because I am having blood pressure issues. Inventory is stressful however I had an unexpected wrench thrown into the mix - hives. Not just a few hives but I have hives from head to toe. I'm not sure how that is going to effect my upcoming surgery on Thursday but I'm beginning to think it's not in the cards. It's been delayed once already and then the unexpected blood pressure problems when my blood pressure was always normal before. I felt a cold coming on so I thought that might delay the surgery and then the most unexpected thing of all the hives. I've never had them before. I wouldn't wish hives on anyone. I've never had chicken pox but I would imagine that they are similar to hives in that they are both extremely itchy.

You would think after the week I just had I'd still be in my weird mood but suprisingly I'm in a pretty good mood. I'm not worry about whether the surgery is still happening because truth be told I'd prefer that it didn't happen. I know I shouldn't think this way because it is going to cost me so much more  next year but it's the holiday's and I really can't enjoy them with this surgery looming. My gallbladder really isn't an issue right now so that is another reason I'm not looking forward to causing pain that I don't currently have. I know the doctor says it's better to do it now before it turns into an emergency and cost me even more in terms of money and time in the hospital and missed work.

I need to have a good productive week. This is my goal for the week. Surgery or no surgery.

Weird Place

I was going to post something yesterday but I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm in this really weird place right now where I want to do nothing and think nothing. I need to snap out of my funk before it becomes more than a funk. Someone told me to do a bucket list that sounds like an interesting thing to do so maybe I'll start working on that. So much I want to do so little will to do it.....

Tomorrow is the official start of hell month. This is the period of time in December where the rush is on to get everything done before the end of the year. I've decided just the normal frenzy isn't enough, I"m throwing in surgery for an extra challenge. I know, I know it's supposed to be mind over matter so I should dread hell month, I should embrace it for the challenge it is.  Let the fun begin....

Better Day

Today was a better day. I didn't feel as irrated today which I'm thankful for though I have a massive heachache. I just started new medicine so I'm thinking maybe that is what is causing my headache all though it could be my computer at work. It was acting up today. It had the squiggly lines in it and it was really effecting my vision.

I also decided to switch to Klove type music today instead of Air1 type music. They are both positive and uplifting types of music it's just I thik Klove is a little more so. So I think that also helped my mood.

Man I'm really feeling like crap all of the sudden so I'm going to make this a sort post tonight.

101 Things I hate about me

Ok maybe 101 things is a bit of a stretch. Maybe not, but I do know that I am too lazy to write out 101 things.  I once had a boss who listed off the things that if I changed them then I'd be an "unstoppable" person. When he was listing them off I realized if I did all of that then I wouldn't be me. I can't say that I disagree with him. His basic take is that I'm plenty smart but I need to lose weight, change how I dress, maybe get some contacts, be more outgoing and friendly, stop being so moody, smile more. Yeah, I tend to agree. So basically I need to become a new me. I'm always being accused of being in a fowl mood even if I'm in a perfectly fine mood, which of course then puts me in a foul mood. I try to tell people it's the face I was born with it looks mad all the time. There is nothing I can do about it, but it's still annoying to hear them say I'm in a bad mood.

I am actually in a pretty bad mood right now and I think I may be rambling but I have a lot on my mind. My friend is mad at me for missing Thanksgiving. I was hoping to avoid family drama by skipping the family Thanksgiving and instead caused drama with my friend. I honestly didn't believe that she would care one way or another if I went to Thanksgiving.  I don't know why that it so hard for her to believe. I also have a hard time believing that people actually like me in general so I don't see how it's hard to believe that I honestly didn't think someone cared if I showed up for Thanksgiving. My friend and I have had this conversation before. I can't say that I think people are lying when they say that they like me but I have a hard grasping why on earth someone would want to be friends with me. If I didn't have to be around me I don't think that I'd be friends with me. I think I'm a really annoying person. I annoy the crap out of myself so why on earth don't I annoy these people. Maybe I do who knows.

I think my ex-boss was right that I do basically need to become a new person to be acceptable to people including myself. I think that is probably why I have such a hard time losing weight. It's because I don't know that I really want to lose weight. I mean what is the actual point? It's not like I care if I live a long life. In fact the thought of living another 30 years depresses me. Counselors say I'm depressed because I don't really care if I drop dead tomorrow but I disagree. There really isn't a purpose to my life so why would I care if I keep doing the same thing day in and day out. That is also not to say that I'm looking to die. A year and a half ago I would say I wanted to die more than I wanted to live, however today I would say I'm pretty indifferent to either option. Maybe. I often think if someone said I could have everything I've ever wanted or I could choose to die that I would choose death.

I know people won't understand this but as I said in a pervious post I'm not very good at seeing the future so I never really think about what I want. I don't know that I want anything. Well....I guess that's not true because as I said before I'd love to have a real family but that isn't going to happen so what else is there? Work? Yeah that's what I want to live for.

It probably sounds like I'm suicidal but I'm really not. I could never do it though not for any reason other than I'd probably screw it up and end up worse off. The funny thing is there is nothing wrong with my life. I'm sure a lot of people would love my life. I do what I want, when I want. I can recognize that I have a good life. I just been alone so long that I don't think I'm capable having a relationship with anyone. I think I'm socially retarded.

I don't even know if what I've written makes sense. I've just been writing what's in my head so if your confused by what I've written congratulations you now know what's going on in my head.

Something Real

I have something on my mind that I never like to acknowledge - the holiday's make me sad. They make me think about how alone I feel. How I wish I had a family that got along and wanted to be together, to play silly games, to watch movies, to just hang out, to laugh together, to joke together. That just isn't my family. My family just tolerates each other and sometimes not even that. It makes me sad that my sisters haven't really spoken in about a decade. I makes me sad that I can't have a relationship with my dad because he is an angry and bitter person. I makes me sad that when we actually do get together we barely talk, we eat, and then go our separate ways. This to me is not a family. To me it's a bunch of strangers that happen to be related. I hate being reminded of this.  There is a song by Linkin Park that sums up my feeling on this time of the year perfectly it's called "My December". The line goes this is my december, this is my time of the year, this is me pretending this is all I need.

I don't want to get depressed. I feel like I'm getting depressed though and I don't know what to do to stop it.

Just Do It

I once asked someone how you change things you don't like about yourself and she said you just do it. It sounds so simple. I want to lose weight - just do it. I want to be a more positive person - just do it. I want to be a more giving person - just do it. Why oh why if it sounds so simple is it so hard to do?  I do want to do these things but just the thought of doing them keeps me glued to the couch.

So I guess I should start small. This week I will cook dinner 1 time and make breakfast.

My Own Little World and Beyond

I've been feeling down lately. I also feel like I've been spending too much time focusing on me and the issues that I've created myself. As I was thinking about this a song by Matthew West came on the radio called 'My Own Little World' and it spoke to me.

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I've never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world, population: me

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give 'til it hurts
And I turn off the news when I don't like what I see
Yeah, it's easy to do when it's population: me

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now
Outside my own little world

Stopped at a red light looked out my window
I saw a cardboard sign said, "help this homeless widow"
And just above that sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, God, what have I been doing?
So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye
Oh, how many times have I just passed her by?
I gave her some money than I drove on through
And my own little world reached population: two

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now
Outside my own little world
My own little world

Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I'm missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
That I could be living right now
I don't want to miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start living right now

Outside my own little world
My own little world
My own little world

I feel that I have a purpose in this life that I have yet to find. I feel that I'm allowing my weight issues, my self issues hold me back from what God wants me to do with my life.

I few months back I heard the story of Ryan Arnold who loved his brother so much that he was willing to give him 60% of his liver to save his life. Ryan did just that and it ended up costing him his life. His brother Chad is alive today because of Ryan. This made news because Ryan's death wasn't supposed to happen, but it's not his death that touched me it's how he lived his life. Ryan loved God, he loved his family, he did good for his community, and he just generally loved his life. I couldn't help but think it was sad that such a person had to die when I am sitting here wasting the life God gave me. I never knew Ryan Arnold but his story struck me and made me question what I'm doing with my life. So many people would give anything for just one more day and what right do I have to just sit around doing nothing with my life. I don't want to waste my life anymore.

This of course is easier said than done.  How do I figure out what my purpose in life is? How do I stop letting myself get in my way?

I was never very good at where do you see yourself in the next five or ten years. Heck I was never good at where do you see yourself in a year. I try to focus on the day but I try never to think about the day.

So I guess the questions I need to answer are what kind of life do I want to have and what am I will to do to get it? The one thing I do know is that I'm tired of my life being a population of just me.