I've been thinking about life and choices that we all make.
I was thinking about when I was 9 years old. I remember standing at the back gate of my grandparent's house, being the dutiful daughter by wishing my mom well as she left for her new life. I pretended to be unfazed by the fact that she was leaving me but in reality she was breaking my heart. I couldn't tell her that because seriously how selfish would it have been of me to beg her not to leave. She was leaving so her could have a better life. I remember that she left before school and when I went to school I tried to pretend all was right with the world. Unfortunately I failed. I started crying in the middle of class. When the teacher asked what was wrong I lied and made some lame excuse. I got sent down to the nurses office and I remember being so embarrassed that I was crying because my mommy left me - how pathetic. I swore right then and there that I'd never cry over her again.
Over the next decade I rarely thought about her. I never wondered about her. I never wished for her. I acted like she didn't exist until 15 years ago today when I received a phone call. The person asked me if Cynthia Ann White was my mother and I said yes. They then proceeded to tell me that she was killed in a car accident earlier that day. For a brief moment I felt like I did that day a decade early when she left - like my heart broke. Then defiance set in. I told myself and everyone else I didn't care. She left along time ago. It was sad for my younger sister but this was a woman I barely remembered.
I never quite was able to believe it because I always found myself at the cemetery. I remember telling her it was funny how I saw her more in death than I ever did in life (but then she was a captive audience). I couldn't quite figure out how I was supposed to feel about her. I tried to dismiss her. I tried to hate her.
I've prayed about my feelings about her. The logical part of me couldn't be mad at her for leaving because she left so she could have a better life. I couldn't fault her for that but in her quest for a better life she ended up leaving me behind. Oh yeah, and then she had the nerve to die before anything could be fixed. I didn't know how to forgive that.
Over the last year and a half I spent a lot of time reading about forgiveness. I'm not sure quite when it happened but a some point I was able to see that what she did all those years ago didn't define who she was as a person. I don't know whether she ever regretted leaving but somewhere along the line this didn't mattered anymore. At some point I forgave her. I realized that there was only one thing about her that mattered: I know without a doubt that my mom was a good person.
How do I know? After all, by my own admission I barely remember her.
True, I might not really remember her, but when I was able to let go of the hurt and anger, I remembered I loved her with all of my heart. It was only because of how much I loved her that her leaving crushed me.
I learned that, as it turns out, I was in need of forgiveness too. Looking back at her funeral it is embarrassing how poorly it was handled. I remember sitting in the meeting with the pastor with my aunt, my grandpa, and my sister telling her about my mom. Nobody had anything positive to say about her. It was all about her mistakes. The only positive was my grandpa's assertion that in the months before her death she was finally getting her life on track. The truth is nobody in that room knew whether her life was off track. When it came time for her funeral the pastor talked about how my mom was a flawed person that made a lot of mistakes.
I was embarrassed listening to the pastor. My mom deserved so much better than she got 15 years ago. Her life was dismissed and nobody deserves that. She deserved to be remembered and honored for the good she did in this world and not for her mistakes.
The truth is my mom was a good person and her life shouldn't have been defined by one action. She was kind and would have helped anyone if it was in her power to do so. She was my mother and I love her. It gives me peace to know that, while I never got a chance to know her in this life, I will some day get to be with her.
