Biggest Loser

I'm sitting here watching the Biggest Loser finale thinking about how for they all have come. I see a lot of myself in each of them but who they were not who they are. I know the only difference between who they are and who I am is they found the strength to fight for their lives. I have to applaud them for that because it's much easier to fight for someone else than it is for yourself.

What a week!

Last week was an interesting week. It started off challenging as I knew it would. It's year end and with that comes the dreaded year end inventory count. That went as expected. Faster than anticipated the push to get production up sooner than I was ready for. I'm having surgery next week and I figured the invetory issues would be a factor in this because I am having blood pressure issues. Inventory is stressful however I had an unexpected wrench thrown into the mix - hives. Not just a few hives but I have hives from head to toe. I'm not sure how that is going to effect my upcoming surgery on Thursday but I'm beginning to think it's not in the cards. It's been delayed once already and then the unexpected blood pressure problems when my blood pressure was always normal before. I felt a cold coming on so I thought that might delay the surgery and then the most unexpected thing of all the hives. I've never had them before. I wouldn't wish hives on anyone. I've never had chicken pox but I would imagine that they are similar to hives in that they are both extremely itchy.

You would think after the week I just had I'd still be in my weird mood but suprisingly I'm in a pretty good mood. I'm not worry about whether the surgery is still happening because truth be told I'd prefer that it didn't happen. I know I shouldn't think this way because it is going to cost me so much more  next year but it's the holiday's and I really can't enjoy them with this surgery looming. My gallbladder really isn't an issue right now so that is another reason I'm not looking forward to causing pain that I don't currently have. I know the doctor says it's better to do it now before it turns into an emergency and cost me even more in terms of money and time in the hospital and missed work.

I need to have a good productive week. This is my goal for the week. Surgery or no surgery.

Weird Place

I was going to post something yesterday but I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm in this really weird place right now where I want to do nothing and think nothing. I need to snap out of my funk before it becomes more than a funk. Someone told me to do a bucket list that sounds like an interesting thing to do so maybe I'll start working on that. So much I want to do so little will to do it.....

Tomorrow is the official start of hell month. This is the period of time in December where the rush is on to get everything done before the end of the year. I've decided just the normal frenzy isn't enough, I"m throwing in surgery for an extra challenge. I know, I know it's supposed to be mind over matter so I should dread hell month, I should embrace it for the challenge it is.  Let the fun begin....

Better Day

Today was a better day. I didn't feel as irrated today which I'm thankful for though I have a massive heachache. I just started new medicine so I'm thinking maybe that is what is causing my headache all though it could be my computer at work. It was acting up today. It had the squiggly lines in it and it was really effecting my vision.

I also decided to switch to Klove type music today instead of Air1 type music. They are both positive and uplifting types of music it's just I thik Klove is a little more so. So I think that also helped my mood.

Man I'm really feeling like crap all of the sudden so I'm going to make this a sort post tonight.

101 Things I hate about me

Ok maybe 101 things is a bit of a stretch. Maybe not, but I do know that I am too lazy to write out 101 things.  I once had a boss who listed off the things that if I changed them then I'd be an "unstoppable" person. When he was listing them off I realized if I did all of that then I wouldn't be me. I can't say that I disagree with him. His basic take is that I'm plenty smart but I need to lose weight, change how I dress, maybe get some contacts, be more outgoing and friendly, stop being so moody, smile more. Yeah, I tend to agree. So basically I need to become a new me. I'm always being accused of being in a fowl mood even if I'm in a perfectly fine mood, which of course then puts me in a foul mood. I try to tell people it's the face I was born with it looks mad all the time. There is nothing I can do about it, but it's still annoying to hear them say I'm in a bad mood.

I am actually in a pretty bad mood right now and I think I may be rambling but I have a lot on my mind. My friend is mad at me for missing Thanksgiving. I was hoping to avoid family drama by skipping the family Thanksgiving and instead caused drama with my friend. I honestly didn't believe that she would care one way or another if I went to Thanksgiving.  I don't know why that it so hard for her to believe. I also have a hard time believing that people actually like me in general so I don't see how it's hard to believe that I honestly didn't think someone cared if I showed up for Thanksgiving. My friend and I have had this conversation before. I can't say that I think people are lying when they say that they like me but I have a hard grasping why on earth someone would want to be friends with me. If I didn't have to be around me I don't think that I'd be friends with me. I think I'm a really annoying person. I annoy the crap out of myself so why on earth don't I annoy these people. Maybe I do who knows.

I think my ex-boss was right that I do basically need to become a new person to be acceptable to people including myself. I think that is probably why I have such a hard time losing weight. It's because I don't know that I really want to lose weight. I mean what is the actual point? It's not like I care if I live a long life. In fact the thought of living another 30 years depresses me. Counselors say I'm depressed because I don't really care if I drop dead tomorrow but I disagree. There really isn't a purpose to my life so why would I care if I keep doing the same thing day in and day out. That is also not to say that I'm looking to die. A year and a half ago I would say I wanted to die more than I wanted to live, however today I would say I'm pretty indifferent to either option. Maybe. I often think if someone said I could have everything I've ever wanted or I could choose to die that I would choose death.

I know people won't understand this but as I said in a pervious post I'm not very good at seeing the future so I never really think about what I want. I don't know that I want anything. Well....I guess that's not true because as I said before I'd love to have a real family but that isn't going to happen so what else is there? Work? Yeah that's what I want to live for.

It probably sounds like I'm suicidal but I'm really not. I could never do it though not for any reason other than I'd probably screw it up and end up worse off. The funny thing is there is nothing wrong with my life. I'm sure a lot of people would love my life. I do what I want, when I want. I can recognize that I have a good life. I just been alone so long that I don't think I'm capable having a relationship with anyone. I think I'm socially retarded.

I don't even know if what I've written makes sense. I've just been writing what's in my head so if your confused by what I've written congratulations you now know what's going on in my head.