Positive or Negative Which Will I Choose?

I  feel like I'm drowning and I don't know if I have the energy to keep fighting.  Why am I making this harder than it needs to be? Eat right, exercise, and drink water how hard it that?

Thomas S Monson said, "We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment may we choose a positive attitude."

Choosing a positive attitude is it really that simple? We can choose to be happy? If so why do I choose the opposite?

I quickly gave in to all of my worst tendencies this week.  I seem to want to derail my progress and I can see that I'm doing it but I so far have a hard time stopping myself. A friend asked me the other night if I prayed about it, which I have - a lot - but then he suggested maybe I wasn't prayed for the right things. Maybe I was too vague and needed to be more specific. He also reminded me that we are put on this earth to overcome our struggles. See, I did hear him last but I wasn't listening. I wasn't in a place where I could let what he was saying sink in but I did hear it.

I woke up this morning feeling defeated. I'm having some pain issues that made me have to miss a hike that I was so looking forward to. I felt restless like I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want to be stuck at home doing nothing. I wanted to be outside enjoying the day so I decided to sleep. I slept off and on until 4pm. I haven't done that in a while. I kept waking up because I'm not use to sleeping all day and each time I did I felt that oppressing weight of despair until the last time I woke up. I had a song stuck in my head from Mikeschair called 'Someone Worth Dying For'. As the title suggests it is a song questioning what I think a lot of people question at times - Jesus died for our sins but am I someone worth dying for. I struggle a lot with this - I am truly someone worth dying for? Having this song in my head got me thinking. My friend pointed out that everyone struggles it's just that my struggles are more visible then others - meaning the weight. Yes, I've been fixated on the weight lately. Resisting getting to 299 but I realized once again it's not about the weight. The weight is a symptom of a bigger issue. I resist so much, not because I don't want to lose weight, but because I don't think I DESERVE to lose weight. I begin to lash out and sabotage myself.

It's difficult because I don't know how to believe that I'm someone worth dying for. I feel like an insignificant nobody with no purpose in life, however I can choose to continue to give into this or I can choose to overcome it. Maybe my current struggles both physically and emotionally are the answer to my prayers. I was reading some articles on lds.org today and I saw a few times the thought that God gives us weaknesses to help us grow. God gives us weaknesses so we will turn to him. God will make weak things strong. Maybe that is the point of my current struggles. Maybe God is trying to help me grow. Maybe God is waiting for me to allow Him to help me instead of lashing out and turning away from Him.

If you asked me today whether I'm someone worth dying for I'd give you a resounding NO! Do I believe that I can some day I can be someone worth dying for? Yes.  For now that will have to be enough.

Someone Worth Dying For

MIKESCHAIR

You might be the wife,
Waiting up at night
You might be the man,
Struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless

Maybe you're the son,
Who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl,
Thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking

Chorus

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

And you are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for

Attitude May Be Everything but the Scale is NOT my friend

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.  ~Winston Churchill

I never really gave attitude much thought. I've always been the type of person to let my mood control how I feel, which in turn controls my attitude towards things. I've always known this about myself, but I realized that this is not a good way to live. Attitude really is everything.

The challenge is how to find the positive when I just want to give up. I'm struggling so much with where I am with my weight right now. I have a goal and the closer I get to that goal the more I seem to resist getting there. Part of me is mad at myself for letting my feelings stop me and the other part of me thinks that I don't deserve better. I think over the past few months I've done better at ignoring that nagging self doubt, however right now it's yelling pretty loud.

The last time I was here with my weight I went on a months long binge and gained 15 pounds. That started in October and ending the last week of December. I have since lost 15.5 pounds, which basically puts me right back at the weight I was in October and yet again I'm feeling that urge to just blow up everything I've been working for.

This is the self sabotage that the counselor warned me she could see. I couldn't see it then but it's impossible to ignore now. I don't want to workout. I look at the list of things I have to do and I just want to walk out the door. This started with that stupid 1.5 pound weight gain, but I'm not sure it would have mattered what the scale said. 

It may have only been 1.5 pounds but it also did something I wasn't expecting - it made me fear the scale. I'm not going to lie the numbers GOOD or bad have a negative effect on me. Nothing good can come of weighing in.  I allow the scale to play games with my head. Have you ever done something over and over again and you just want to stop? That's where I'm at right now with the scale. I can be happy with a weight loss in the moment but it's not long before that happiness turns on me. Usually before bed but IF I'm lucky I can make it into the next day feeling pretty good. I feel emotionally depleted.

I see the cardiologist again at the end of February and I'd really just like to focus on doing the right things. I want to eat right, exercise, and get my water in. That is it and that is enough.  Right now I don't care about the numbers, I care about doing the right things.

Is it running away from the problem if I choose not to deal with it right now? I don't think so.  Right now I need to have more good days than bad. I can deal with the scale just not now. I don't have it in me. It's wearing me down emotionally. I need to take a break from it.  I need a chance to build back some confidence before I deal with it again.

I don't want to sabotage myself again and have to loose what I've gained yet again. When I had trouble eating right in the beginning Corey said to do what I can do and keep making improvements. Today I had almost triple the water I had yesterday so that was an improvement even though it was still way under where I should be. I only had one bad meal today instead of the two I had yesterday. I really wanted fast food tonight but I resisted so even though it wasn't the right choice it wasn't fast food - improvement.

The "It" With No Name

The counselor said she saw it on Thursday and I didn't want to believe it. She said it was there and I needed to name it and tell it to go away. I thought she was silly. Name it? Tell it to go away? That is ridiculous! I
was not going to give it a name and tell it to go away, after all it wasn't there, I didn't feel it. Sure, I was a little down but I was optimistic I'd be able to bounce back quickly. I wasn't going to give in, not this time! I was going to do things differently, dang it!

That was Thursday.

Today is Monday and now I see it. Now, I know it's there. Unwelcome and unwanted but allowed to take hold by my denial. Allowed to inflict it's damage because of my stubbornness.

Today is Monday, the day I decide if the counselor is right and I need to give it a name and tell it to go away or another day that I allow it to continue to invade my thoughts and my actions.

"It" is self sabotage and it needs a name.

"Scriptures can calm an agitated soul"

Sometimes I can hear something but it just doesn't register, then I can hear it again on a different day, and it makes me take note of how profoundly true those words are. This happened to me at church today. Brother Mike Hixon was speaking on the importance of scriptures in our lives and he read a quote from Elder Richard G;. Scott that said, "Scriptures can calm an agitated soul."

Wow, that caught my attention because I know the truth of that statement. I had heard Elder Scott give this talk at the general conference in October but I didn't really give it much thought until today. Maybe it was because I had just joined the church a few weeks prior to this talk or maybe it is because in the months since I have come to understand the truth of those words.

When I got home today I wanted to read the entire "Power of Scriptures" talk that Elder Scott gave and the entire quote that contained those words rang especially true to me today. He says, "Pondering a passage of Scripture can be a key to unlock revelation and the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Ghost. Scriptures can calm an agitated soul, giving peace, hope, and a restoration of confidence in one's ability to overcome the challenges of life. They have the potent power to heal emotional challenges when there is faith in the Savior. They can accelerate physical healing."

Wow! I can tell you without a doubt that every word he spoke is true. What he said here is ultimately how I came to know that the church is true and it is why I joined the church. I did not come to this understanding without a lot of effort because while I've always known that there is a God, I had never believed that God loved me. How could God possibly love me when He is the one who allowed me to be all alone in this world. Surely a loving Father wouldn't allow that. Although I would never acknowledge it I had been angry with God most of my life and as a result had been depressed, angry, and my spirit was restless - I had an agitated soul.

I'm grateful that I never convinced myself that there was no God. I couldn't even if I wanted to because I saw him in other people. I could feel his spirit in other people. I could see these people had a peace about them that I longed for, however I didn't know how to have that peace. I did know that the answer to my problems would be found if only I could find some way to have trust and faith in God, but I had no idea how to trust anyone.

A little over a year ago began one of the most challenging times in my life. After months and months of going through physical and emotional turmoil I was exhausted both physical and emotionally. I didn't want to go on and so I did the only thing I had left to do - I prayed. I said that I'd always heard that He didn't give us more than we can handle and that I couldn't take anymore. That I couldn't live like I was living anymore and that I knew that He wanted me to do something with my life and if that was true to please help me. I acknowledged that I had no idea how to trust him and I couldn't do it on my own. Not even a week later I had a conversation that changed my life. This person started talking to me about his church - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As he was talking I thought to myself, "Mormon huh, didn't see that coming." I KNEW as soon as he started talking that God had answered my prayer.

I knew a little about Mormon's because I work with quite a few of them. I have always seen the Spirit very strong in them but I had never really considered looking into what they believe. I was hesitant to learn more about the Mormon faith because of what I knew. I knew that they like to send missionaries over to your house to teach you the gospel, I knew that you had to go to a ward in your neighborhood at an assigned time, I knew that it was small and everyone seemed to know each other, and I knew the worst thing of all - they make the members of the church stand up in front of everyone and give the weekly talk. No way was I going to have any part of a church that makes you get up in front of people and talk! However, I had asked for help and this is the help that I got, so I decided to first go to the visitor's center and then later to meet with the missionaries & learn more about the church.

The missionaries asked me to read the Book of Mormon which I did but it was just words on a page. It had no significance. It was a good story and nothing more. Every time we would meet the missionaries would ask me what I felt and I'd say the same thing over and over - nothing. I knew I should feel something and that was starting to make me feel like I was hopeless - doomed forever to feel dead inside and incapable of trusting God. Then they suggested I pray and ask God to help me with my understanding, so I did what they asked and I prayed - still nothing. Now I'm thinking that this is pointless and I don't want to do this anymore and honestly the only thing that kept me reading the scriptures was that I knew that his was the help that I had asked for. One night I decided I wasn't going to read the next chapter in the Book of Mormon, I was going to pick some random pages. Before I opened the Book I prayed and asked God to help me learn how to have trust and faith in Him. I opened to Alma Chapter 32. I got to verse 21 "And now as I said concerning faith -- faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true. 22 And now, behold, I say unto you, and I would that ye should remember that God is merciful unto all who believe on his name; therefore he desireth, in the first place, that ye should believe, yea, even on his word."

For the first time I actually connected with something. I was so excited I had to keep reading and I got to verse 26 "Now, as I said concerning faith -- that it was not a perfect knowledge--even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge. 27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." Wow! Seriously?! This was what I was struggling with - how do I have faith? It comforted me to read that you can start with nothing more than a desire to believe because that is all I had. I'll admit I was skeptical as to whether my desire to believe could grow into faith if I would just keep reading and allow myself to believe the words but I knew that this was the path God was leading me down so I decided to accept the words on face value.

After I had finished reading this chapter I had felt a calmness that I had never felt before - it didn't stay long but I had felt it. It was what I needed to hear to know that I was doing this for a reason and that there was a point to all of the aggravation I felt when I read the Book of Mormon I felt the aggravation because I wanted to understand; I wanted to feel something and that understand wasn't coming easy. I was realized that I had finally connected to something I had read, but I still had a hard time connecting to what I was reading. Slowly, I'd get tiny little moments of understanding and after a while those moments started coming more and more frequently, however are still many, many times I feel like the Book of Mormon is written in a foreign language. I couldn't begin to tell you what it says and it leaves me feeling confused, however it is all worth it for those times when it just speaks to me.

In reading the scriptures I found the peace I'd been looking for my entire life. For the first time in my life I felt a calmness and also for the first time I didn't feel alone. I asked God if the Book of Mormon is true and one day I had this feeling of absolute belief that yes it was true. When I decided to join the church it was hard for me to get my friends to understand why I was joining because I'm not good with words and I didn't know how to convey how I felt when I read the scriptures. Some of my friends said I was only joining so I'd have a place to belong. Okay, that was insulting! But true, however for an entirely different reason. It was true, not because of the people, and don't misunderstand the people are great, but it was true because that's where I found God. I know what it is like to live a life without God - it is sad and lonely. It is a life without peace and without hope. It is a life that makes you wish you were dead. It's the kind of loneliness that people can never fill. It's the kind of loneliness and despair that can only be lifted by having a relationship with God. Why would I not want to be a member of the church that God lead me to?

Maybe at the time of the general conference this really didn't hold the significance it does now because I was only getting snippets of the peace and calmness that the scriptures offer, however now that it has been four months since I was baptized I can testify to the truth that the scriptures do in fact calm the agitated soul.