My Duh Moment of the Day

So I've decided to take a two week break from working out with my trainer and prove to myself that I can do this without having to be pushed. So far so good. I was excellent today! I drank 168 oz of water and I ate every three hours like I'm supposed to. I also had a duh moment to one of my more frustrating problems -making it to the gym on the days I don't work out with the trainer. I got to thinking about it today and I realized I don't stop at home first on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - I go straight to work out. I realized I should just do that on Tuesday and Thursday and my problem of not wanting to go to the gym is solved. Why is it that this never crossed my mind? This is such an easy solution to a simple problem. Yay me!

Agave: Good or Bad?

After looking at numerous website and articles I think that organic blue agave is at best no worse than sugar or high fructose corn syrup and at worst is worse than these two. The main argument seems to be with level of fructose and how fructose is processed by the body. Sugar has 50% fructose, HFCS has 55% fructose, and agave nectar can have between 55% and 98% fructose.  I looked up the information on the organic blue agave that you can buy at Sprouts made by Wholesome Sweeteners, who's website says that it is made up of 75% fructose.   http://www.wholesomesweeteners.com/AgaveFactsVSFiction.html

 

I wasn't familiar with fructose so I also looked up what fructose is and why it is bad for you. The nutritionandmetabolism.com website said that a small level (16 - 20 grams) of fructose is good for you. These are typically the levels that come from eating fruits and vegetables, but the typical daily consumption is 85 - 100 grams. After looking at various websites the main reasons given for fructose being bad for you are that it is processed by the liver and may contribute to higher triglyceride levels, may slow the basil metabolic rate leading to metabolic syndrome, increase insulin resistance, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, may contribute to the increased rate of diabetes, and may inhibit certain signals that indicate you are full leading to an increase in calorie consumption.

 

I did find one site that says that "true organic agave nectar" has benefits, but you have to find true organic agave.  You basically have to know how it is made to know whether it is true organic agave. "Recent claims regarding agave nectar urge us to be aware of the type of agave we are purchasing. Many brands sold in the supermarket, claiming to be organic, are nothing more than refined fructose. Common forms of retail-refined agave syrup sold in supermarkets do not tell consumers what has been done to the syrup in the laboratory. While the label may claim that the agave is “organic and all-natural,” the label does not explain that the syrup has gone through an extensive process of chemical refining which changes the enzymatic structure of the syrup, converting it into a man-made chemical fructose. Herein lies the main concern surrounding the nectar that many well-known nutritionists are recommending as a healthier sugar-substitute. There is a direct link between man-made chemical fructose and deadly degenerative diseases such as cancer and diabetes." http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/natural-health/is-agave-nectar-safe/ 

 

Going back to the Wholesome Sweeteners it is certified organic yet contains 75% fructose but later says that it's not the same thing as HFCS because it is natural. "Natural" is debated on a lot of website and Wholesome Sweeteners of course disagree with all of the negative stuff written about fructose and agave and offers links that will support it's position. What I found interesting is that to me it sounded like they were hedging their bets by making it clear that fructose is processed by the liver and the liver is vital and you need to keep it healthy. I also didn't see anything that distinguishes between man made and natural fructose just low levels and high levels.  

 

When it comes to the agave it basically comes down to who do you believe, the people who say it's a healthy alternative to sugar and hfcs or that it's just as bad if not worse. I'm personally going to error on the side of it being bad for you and not start using it. If I'm going to clean up my diet then I don't want to start using something that has so many questions around it. 

 

http://www.ajcn.org/content/86/4/899.full?sid=9694f0ba-a496-4392-9214-455a9f7047fd

http://www.organiclifestylemagazine.com/issue-7/agave-nectar.php

http://www.nutritionandmetabolism.com/content/2/1/5

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/12/081209221742.htm

http://www.foodrenegade.com/agave-nectar-good-or-bad/

http://www.living-foods.com/articles/agave.html

 

I just thought that this was interesting. It's called Sugar: The Bitter Truth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM 

Fear is Like an Anchor

I was doing so well with my new life style changes and then all of the sudden I hit a wall. I don't even know what when wrong. I was in such a good mood and then wham I started getting depressed.

When I say I don't know what went wrong that isn't really true. I started thinking and thinking is rarely a good thing for me. I started thinking about what it means to open up to things, people, and God. It overwhelms me. I tried to accept a long time ago that certain things weren't in the cards for me. Like marriage and a family. I told myself that I didn't want it, but the truth is I do want it. A family is really the only true thing I've ever wanted, but I'm afraid that I'll never have it. I'm scared to want things that may never happen. I've been alone most of my life and I really don't want to be alone for the rest of it.

I think a big reason I don't think it will ever happen is because as much as I rationalize why my parents weren't part of my life or why my grandparents could never accept me, I keep hearing my grandma say if you get the same results over and over look at what you are doing to cause it. My fear is that it wasn't their issues that made them leave or not care the way they should have. My fear is that it was because there is something wrong with me. What if I open myself up to people and lose weight and find out that I have some character defect that people don't like?

I know in my head that this isn't rational but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to be open to people. Just last week I thought I was making good progress and then when I was thinking about going to Church I thought, "This would be easier if I didn't know anybody." I'm proud of the fact that I'm independent but I think I take it to the extreme. I don't know how to let people in. Sure I can on a surface level but on any true meaningful level? Nope.

High Anxiety

My trainer, Patrick, offered to take me to the Temple visitors center which was fine, I didn't mind it, but now the missionaries from the church want to drop by which totally freaks me out. I knew I'd  have an issue because I'm extremely uncomfortable talking to people and just the thought of having to talk to them totally stresses me out - what was I thinking?! What I wasn't expecting was that most of my anxiety is having people in my house. I don't want them here. Not because they are from the church but because they are people invading my house, my space. It seems so irrational but it got me thinking.  Besides someone dropping something off or picking something up I've only invited one person into my house for a visit in the last decade. That was a friend and these are complete strangers that I'm going to be expected to hold a conversation with. The stress of this has made me want to eat all day long but when I did eat I felt like I was going to be sick.

I also noticed anger is right up there with the anxiety. Anger that I've allowed myself to get in the situation in the first place. I just want to be at home in bed and left alone. I don't want to be around anyone. It also makes me angry that people tell me I just need to get over it. Really?! Do they seriously think I like feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack just at the thought have having people in my house and having to talk to them? I'm also angry because at myself because I don't understand why this is such a big deal. Normal people have people over. Normal people can carry on conversations with people they don't know. I feel so retarded. What is wrong with me? It's like I go brain dead at just the thought of carrying on a conversation with someone I don't know. What was I thinking agreeing to have them come here? Patrick was like would it help if I were there? What I said was no, that's fine but what I was thinking was NOOOO!!!! I don't want you there so you can see for yourself how unbelievable uncomfortable I am around people. The truth is he already knows that. I stumbled over every question that was asked. I felt so stupid. I think my brain is slow when it comes to finding words to speak. I mean it's not like I'm stupid, I have lots of thoughts. My brain never shuts off.  I usually make a joke and tell people I'm socially retarded. People just laugh it off but if they only knew how deeply I believe that. I can't adequately describe the panic I feel when I know I'm going somewhere I'm not comfortable with because I may have to talk to people. Unfortunately it's the same when I'm in a group of people I do know.  I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. When I get home I usually get depressed and never want to go out in public again because of the anxiety but also because I feel like I'm so hopeless.

Hopeless because I've been alone most of my life. I'm tired of being alone but I feel like I've been alone so long that I don't know how to not be alone. I don't communicate well with people so it scares me to think that this will never change. I don't want this but I don't know what is wrong with my that I can't communicate like a normal person.

Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition

I had a light bulb moment as I was watching Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition - I have really put in the effort to truly lose weight. I was watching Rachel tonight and she worked her butt off to lose that weight. I put in maybe 30 minutes of half assed effort. I really need to step up my game if I'm going to lose any weight. I've read that when you are as overweight as I am you need to workout 2 hours a day to maintain a weight loss I wonder if this is true.

I know I've watched the Biggest Loser for years but for some reason it actually clicked tonight how much time and effort these people put in to lose weight. I need to have that dedication. Of course I know that it's not realistic to work out as much as they do on Biggest Loser because that is their full time job for 8 hours a day. I don't have that kind of time and I don't think it's healthy at least at home. They have trainers and medical personnel that monitor them all of the time. I do however think that I need to work harder than I have been. I will admit I do dog my workouts - just because I can, so I know I can work harder.

I haven't started my no eating out anymore yet. I will start tomorrow. I know that I'm always saying tomorrow and tomorrow never comes but I am determine to make tomorrow the day. I need to clean out the fridge before I go to bed tonight, I think that will help.
I also think I need to see a foot doctor about my pain in my foot. That gives me an excuse for not working out as hard as I could if it wasn't hurting. The truth is I can barely walk after my workout, but I doesn't really hurt all that must during the workout. I need to take away that excuse.

A little less weighed down

I've had a rough last couple of days. I've been feeling so down in the dumps. I've been going to a trainer to lose weight and I've been thinking that I'm just wasting my time. So much so that I skipped my session yesterday. My trainer called me and of course I didn't answer. I did listen to his message though and I did text him back today that I would be there tomorrow after work.  This is the second time that he has gotten me to keep going. I really wanted to give up and it's nice that he's trying to keep me from quitting.

I started my first real session with the eating disorder counselor today and she gave me things to work on. She said I have a new rule I'm not allowed to eat fast food ever except for Subway 1 time a week and no eating out period for a while. She said it's not to say that I can never have fast food again but I'm not allowed to have it until I am at my goal weight and then only when she says even if it is 5 years for now.

She said the reason for this is because I need to accept that I don't have the ability to say no right now to unhealthy food choices and I need to break my emotional connection to food. She said that by making it totally off limits I just know that is something I can't do so it won't set me up for making the wrong unhealthy choice if I had the choice of going there and eating healthy,.

I'm also supposed to grocery shop on Saturday and then go home and prepare all of the food for the week. I'm supposed to put it in bags or containers and label the day of the week it is for.

Right now I just need to concentrate on cooking and not worry so much about what I am eating but to try to keep it reasonable. Meaning don't buy a bag of chips.

I think it made me feel a little more hopeful than when I went in. I was pretty down about blowing my eating when I went to San Diego this weekend and she said that I'm not allowed to get down on myself if I slip up anymore. She said I need to figure out why I ate and look at it as an opportunity to grow instead of beating myself up about it.

I like that she is giving me something small to focus on like just eating at home because truthfully that will be a huge step for me. She also said that I need to add up all the money I spent on eating out and then all of the money I spent buying groceries and then at the end of the month I'm supposed to buy myself something or go on a trip. I'm allowed to do anything with it accept buy something food related or pay off debts with it. She said right now I need to reward myself and focus on meeting my goals.

I'm also supposed to get people on board with helping me make the right decisions and limit contact with anyone who is willing to enable my bad habits.  I was telling the counselor about how I went to San Diego and my friend was like your on vacation your supposed to cheat on vacation. I totally acknowledged that it was still my choice but I didn't make the right choices. That's when she said that I just need to realize that I don't have the ability to say no right now and that is why I need to not eat out at all.

I get what she is saying about eating out when she said I can't eat out until I can take it or leave it. Right now eating out has taken over my life. I'm too tired to cook, oh I'll eat out and I'll cook tomorrow but tomorrow never comes. I hate eating out all of the time it makes me feel lazy because tomorrow never comes. I'd really like to get to the point where I'd rather eat in than run by any fast food joint and pick something up.

I'm feeling a little better about things.

Best Laid Plans

Do you every make plans to do better and then break them? The better question might be do you ever stick to the plans you make? I seem to spend all of this time making schedules and things that I need to do, when I need to do it and then never stick to it. I so frustrate myself.

I told my trainer I'd be better with my eating. I want to be better with my eating but I never get around to being better with my eating. Something sounds good and I just want it and I want it now. I don't want my life to be about food. Almost my entire life has been about food. I'm sick of it. I want to do things differently.

How do you change your habits? I want to but I guess not enough to actually do it. This week I WILL do better. This week will be a success if I get at least 100 oz of water in, pick up the living room, and actually cook a meal at home at least 2 times. 

Do or Do Not. There is no try. ~ Yoda

Turning Point?

I've been struggling with making better eating choices but I think I may have had a turning point yesterday. I over ate and paid the price. I was sick as a dog last night. (No offense to dogs) I really can't believe I keep doing this to myself. Eventually I'll learn right? Maybe last night was what I needed to help me be more aware of how much I eat.

I made a deal with the trainer today and I could eat on program for two days and then have a cheat lunch OR dinner, eat on program two days and have a cheat lunch or dinner.  I think I can handle that. No, I know I can handle that.

I've also started seeing an eating disorder therapist. I'm hoping that helps as well. I need to start going back to church I think that will really help.

Today was a good day!

I finally got past my mental block and got off my butt and cleaned!  It's been since probably December. I had my surgery and then the complications, after that it just was too overwelming to even know where to start. Today I woke up and decided I just needed to pick a place and start. I didn't get to everything that I wanted to do today but I did a lot and that's a great thing!

I'm going to start going to the gym in the morning. When I was going in the morning it gave me more energy at night and it didn't give me any reason to skip after work. My new program requires at least 30 minutes of activity a day. That is going to be a challenge, however my new mantra is from the wise Yoda,  "Do or Do Not. There is no try."

Goals for the upcoming week

Tomorrow I need to do some cleaning. I was going to today and then didn't. SHOCKING!...Tomorrow my goal is to clean the kitchen and the living room. Do a load or two of laundry. Hit the gym.

My goal for the week is to cook. I'm tired of eating out, not to mention it is sooo expensive. I need to get up off the couch and do stuff. As Yoda says "Do of Do Not. There is no try." I just need to get up and do it.

Getting in My Own Way

I hate it when everything is going good and then I get in my own way. Why oh why do I start to feel down in the dumps when everything is going right? I feel like I'm getting depressed. All I want to do is eat junk. Is this because I'm still struggling with whether I actually want to live or not?

I think this is the time when I just need to push through my feelings. I always give in to them and start eating everything in sight and then I'm back where I started and have to start all over again. I'm sick and tired of having to start over again. I want to keep going. I need to keep going to prove to myself that I can lose the weight that I will lose weight.

New Year, New Outlook

The last few weeks for 2010 were difficult to say the least. I had my gallbladder removed on December 16th and oh my the pain was so intense. I struggle for a week with the gallbladder stuff and then ended up in the emergency room on Christmas Day and was admitted to the hospital. I got out just in time to ring in the New Year.  In the middle of all my personal issues my grandfather died. I'm very lucky my aunt called me just a few hours before he died and let me say goodbye to him. I didn't know him well growing up but I spent more time with him after I turned 18. I enjoyed going over there but haven't really seen much of him since I moved acrossed the country. From what I hear he is in a better place. I didn't make it to the funeral. That was a tough decision for me. I had just had my gallbladder out days before and nobody thought it was a good idea. I guess as it turned out they were right. As I said before I ended up in the hospital with an infection. The last thing anyone would have needed was for me to end up in the hospital thousands of miles from home.

After the last few months I've had I'm so ready for change. I'm so tired of the same old same old. I'm tired of being the cause of a lot of my problems. I've put myself at risk for heart disease, my bad habits have caused my to become diabetic and probably caused me to lose my gallbladder, and it's also caused me to have high blood pressure and have to be put on medication.  I'm 32 years old. I shouldn't be looking at these problems. It's ridiculous that I have let things get this far. I've decided I need to changed and to do that I need to get up and out of the house.

So far I've done a pretty good job at getting out and doing things. I wasn't specifically looking for active type things but I'm happy with my choices. I've joined a nutrition/kickboxing/self defense class, yoga, a walking group, and a travel group.  I'm also going to start hiking again with a friend.

I don't want to sit around and just let life pass me by anymore. I want to get out and do things. I want to lose weight so I don't have to worry about whether I can do certain things.

I'm looking forward to 2011 being my best year yet.