When I saw my blood sugar reading this morning I immediately thought of a conversation I had with a participant in the program I'm coaching.
She wanted to quit because her project was stalled and she wouldn't complete it by the end of the program.
I told her I didn't care about the project that this was where she gets stopped in life and quits. So what that the project isn't going how you want, what now? Take an action, move forward, the only thing that mattered was that she pushed past where she gets stopped. That's what success is.
I'm notoriously bad about taking my own advise however I truly believe what I told her that day.
This is the point where I get stopped in life. My body is in complete breakdown right now and it seems so impossible to overcome.
I finally get that this can be true and I still succeed by not letting it stop me.
So what that my fasting blood sugar reading was 224? What now? I called the doctor's office and asked her to increase my prescription on the test strips so I can test more than once a day.
It really didn't matter what that number says, it's the action I take knowing that information that matters.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Monday, March 9, 2015
With Gratitude
Things are always better in the morning! I'm ready to start the day leaving the feelings of overwhelment behind.
Today, March 9th 2015, would have been my mom's 57th birthday. It's crazy how my I miss her now than I missed her when she was alive.
When she was alive I didn't really consider her all at. She was the woman I was told didn't want me. Why would I care about someone who didn't care about me?
As I discussed in a previous post, her leaving was a huge moment in my life. I wanted her to have a better life so I didn't beg her to stay. It crushed me watching her drive away so much so that I had to kill part of my soul to deal with it.
That was the day I decided I would never cry for her again. It's also the day I turned my back on God.
I had to kill my feelings because the pain of losing my mom would have swallowed me whole.
I didn't find out until recently that what I was told about her wasn't true. Shocking that someone would lie right? A lot of someone's actually.
It was easy for me to accept that vision of her. She had to be a heartless bitch to walk away from her children right?
The truth is she made some mistakes. Nothing that couldn't have been fixed. However, my dad took custody away from her. I can't blame him for that. He was doing what he thought was best at the time. I blamed her for not fighting for me.
It was easy to let that go when I found out her family said they'd testify for my dad if she tried to fight it. When I was told that it was like a slap in the face.
Yeah, I got it. I spent 30+ years feeling like I didn't deserve to be alive because of the family dynamic. I could only imagine what that was like for her.
I could have chosen to be angry that she knew what it was like to be in that situation and left me anyway but I felt relieved that she got out.
What I didn't know then is I was strong enough to handle the situation. Even though I turned my back on God, he never turned his back on me.
Being told how stupid I was and fat and that nobody wanted me beat me down but I always had my Heavenly Father on my side. I believed that I was as stupid I was told I was, but something inside me said, "no your not". 99% of me believed the lies but that 1% of me that said that's not true had the strength to prove everyone wrong.
Like I said for the first 30+ years of my life I felt that I didn't deserve to live. How you misinterpret, "you are only here because nobody wants you"? In my mind as a child it had to be true because the people who said it wouldn't lie to me.
Even though I believed nobody wanted me, I also had this unwavering belief that there was a purpose for my life. That belief was strong enough to carry me through the times when everything else in me wanted to give up.
I've also had an annoying capacity to forgive. I was given the gift of empathy. I can look past the actions of a person and see their heart. When I see my family I see good people. Broke people, but good people.
I think that this was what made it so easy to hate myself. I've always seen my family as good, decent people who would help anyone. That is who they were. If that was who they were, I had to be a horrible person for them to not want me right?
What my child brain didn't understand is that those two things don't have to go together. They can be awesome people who were/are broken in their own ways and that had/has nothing to do with me.
I didn't get until a few months ago that Heavely Father is the reason I'm still here. Those things that helped me through the hopelessness I felt were not things anyone was telling me but I knew without a doubt was true. I never understood where it came from but I knew it was there.
It's because of Heavenly Father that I can think of my family members today and feel how much I love each of them. They are good people and I would defend them against anyone who judged them by their brokenness.
I'm incredibly grateful for the life that I have. Yes, I still wish for that family connection but I wouldn't change what has happened in my life.
I still don't understand why things were the way they were. I do know that I needed to go through what I did for a reason and that Heavenly Father knew I was strong enough to handle it.
Today, March 9th 2015, would have been my mom's 57th birthday. It's crazy how my I miss her now than I missed her when she was alive.
When she was alive I didn't really consider her all at. She was the woman I was told didn't want me. Why would I care about someone who didn't care about me?
As I discussed in a previous post, her leaving was a huge moment in my life. I wanted her to have a better life so I didn't beg her to stay. It crushed me watching her drive away so much so that I had to kill part of my soul to deal with it.
That was the day I decided I would never cry for her again. It's also the day I turned my back on God.
I had to kill my feelings because the pain of losing my mom would have swallowed me whole.
I didn't find out until recently that what I was told about her wasn't true. Shocking that someone would lie right? A lot of someone's actually.
It was easy for me to accept that vision of her. She had to be a heartless bitch to walk away from her children right?
The truth is she made some mistakes. Nothing that couldn't have been fixed. However, my dad took custody away from her. I can't blame him for that. He was doing what he thought was best at the time. I blamed her for not fighting for me.
It was easy to let that go when I found out her family said they'd testify for my dad if she tried to fight it. When I was told that it was like a slap in the face.
Yeah, I got it. I spent 30+ years feeling like I didn't deserve to be alive because of the family dynamic. I could only imagine what that was like for her.
I could have chosen to be angry that she knew what it was like to be in that situation and left me anyway but I felt relieved that she got out.
What I didn't know then is I was strong enough to handle the situation. Even though I turned my back on God, he never turned his back on me.
Being told how stupid I was and fat and that nobody wanted me beat me down but I always had my Heavenly Father on my side. I believed that I was as stupid I was told I was, but something inside me said, "no your not". 99% of me believed the lies but that 1% of me that said that's not true had the strength to prove everyone wrong.
Like I said for the first 30+ years of my life I felt that I didn't deserve to live. How you misinterpret, "you are only here because nobody wants you"? In my mind as a child it had to be true because the people who said it wouldn't lie to me.
Even though I believed nobody wanted me, I also had this unwavering belief that there was a purpose for my life. That belief was strong enough to carry me through the times when everything else in me wanted to give up.
I've also had an annoying capacity to forgive. I was given the gift of empathy. I can look past the actions of a person and see their heart. When I see my family I see good people. Broke people, but good people.
I think that this was what made it so easy to hate myself. I've always seen my family as good, decent people who would help anyone. That is who they were. If that was who they were, I had to be a horrible person for them to not want me right?
What my child brain didn't understand is that those two things don't have to go together. They can be awesome people who were/are broken in their own ways and that had/has nothing to do with me.
I didn't get until a few months ago that Heavely Father is the reason I'm still here. Those things that helped me through the hopelessness I felt were not things anyone was telling me but I knew without a doubt was true. I never understood where it came from but I knew it was there.
It's because of Heavenly Father that I can think of my family members today and feel how much I love each of them. They are good people and I would defend them against anyone who judged them by their brokenness.
I'm incredibly grateful for the life that I have. Yes, I still wish for that family connection but I wouldn't change what has happened in my life.
I still don't understand why things were the way they were. I do know that I needed to go through what I did for a reason and that Heavenly Father knew I was strong enough to handle it.
Just Another Day
I really don't feel like writing today but I want to honor my commitment. Today was another good day. I got up and cooked. There was no resistance it just was something I said I would do and did it.
I go back to the cardiologist tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed with this hole I find myself in.
I'm tired. Sometimes I think death would be kinder. All I want to do is not think or feel. I have to wonder why this struggle? The food addiction is part of the struggle but what I'm referring to is why is my struggle to be alone. And most of the time it's not my struggle. I'm also grateful to be alone. People are hard for me to understand. Never get too close.
So tired.
I go back to the cardiologist tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed with this hole I find myself in.
I'm tired. Sometimes I think death would be kinder. All I want to do is not think or feel. I have to wonder why this struggle? The food addiction is part of the struggle but what I'm referring to is why is my struggle to be alone. And most of the time it's not my struggle. I'm also grateful to be alone. People are hard for me to understand. Never get too close.
So tired.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Shock to the System
My brain seems to have a hard time comprehending my way of being these last few days. I've had this feeling before but it's usually when things change in an instant and not in a good way.
I had this feeling for almost a year after my grandpa died. I'd be fine and then all the sudden my brain would go spastic and not comprehend how my grandpa could be diagnosed with cancer and die less than two months later.
I understand why my brain was struggling with that situation. It was a shock to my system but this is not a situation anywhere close to being traumatic but it feels like my brain it's treating it as traumatic. My relationship with food has, for the most part, been a struggle. There are rarely good feelings when I think of food. I think of food and I see my greatest struggle. BUT today I have felt at peace. I have felt this particular sense of calm in my life. My brain recognizes it and it's in fight or flight mode. It's as if my brain is preparing me for the other shoe to drop.
The last time I had this sense of calm was in 2011 when I was losing weight and food was in its proper place. I didn't feel tempted by bad things, however I could not, no matter how much I wanted to, stay in the calmness. I was always preparing for the worst. "You're going to screw up, you always do." It would wear on me and the thing I feared came to be.
I did that because I couldn't accept that everything was okay. It scares me now that I'm not struggling with my choices. I decided I want to live a life of integrity and strengthen my character. This time I'm backing it up with action, AND I've been down this road before, AND I screwed it up.
I know change happens in an instant. I want to trust that this is real, however I know myself. I haven't kept my promises to myself. I don't want to fail yet again.
I read a quote today by Thomas S. Monson that says, "Stick to a task till it sticks to you". I feel like I needed to see this today. I hate doubting myself. I can choose for this day to be a brand new day without all of the baggage but I'm terrified of letting go of my past failures. It's my most likely future if I'm not fighting it right? Ugh. I don't just put a huge amount of pressure on myself for my failures to me but my failures to others.
I'm coaching in a program and in this program were are asked to interview people to find out how they see us. The person I interviewed today said one of my weaknesses is breaking my promise to myself. I get it. It's true. I'm not faulting the statement AND I feel the weight of it.
I feel like I'm fighting who I've been in the past to myself and other people. I'm having a hard time with this. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like even if I succeed in having integrity and strengthening my character people will still see the person I taught them I am. That I will still see the person I dint want to be.
The thing is, I know I'm putting these thoughts on myself. This particular person is pretty go with the flow. Even if he did judge me, he wouldn't tell me. It doesn't matter what's going on for me, the good, bad, or ugly, he supports me. I have a really hard time with that. Sometimes I just want to ask what is wrong with him. Doesn't he get that I'm not worth his time.
I just want to let things be. When I don't feel worthy I tend to push back. I want people to see my unworthiness and see that I'm not worth their time.
And that is what feeds my food addiction.
I had this feeling for almost a year after my grandpa died. I'd be fine and then all the sudden my brain would go spastic and not comprehend how my grandpa could be diagnosed with cancer and die less than two months later.
I understand why my brain was struggling with that situation. It was a shock to my system but this is not a situation anywhere close to being traumatic but it feels like my brain it's treating it as traumatic. My relationship with food has, for the most part, been a struggle. There are rarely good feelings when I think of food. I think of food and I see my greatest struggle. BUT today I have felt at peace. I have felt this particular sense of calm in my life. My brain recognizes it and it's in fight or flight mode. It's as if my brain is preparing me for the other shoe to drop.
The last time I had this sense of calm was in 2011 when I was losing weight and food was in its proper place. I didn't feel tempted by bad things, however I could not, no matter how much I wanted to, stay in the calmness. I was always preparing for the worst. "You're going to screw up, you always do." It would wear on me and the thing I feared came to be.
I did that because I couldn't accept that everything was okay. It scares me now that I'm not struggling with my choices. I decided I want to live a life of integrity and strengthen my character. This time I'm backing it up with action, AND I've been down this road before, AND I screwed it up.
I know change happens in an instant. I want to trust that this is real, however I know myself. I haven't kept my promises to myself. I don't want to fail yet again.
I read a quote today by Thomas S. Monson that says, "Stick to a task till it sticks to you". I feel like I needed to see this today. I hate doubting myself. I can choose for this day to be a brand new day without all of the baggage but I'm terrified of letting go of my past failures. It's my most likely future if I'm not fighting it right? Ugh. I don't just put a huge amount of pressure on myself for my failures to me but my failures to others.
I'm coaching in a program and in this program were are asked to interview people to find out how they see us. The person I interviewed today said one of my weaknesses is breaking my promise to myself. I get it. It's true. I'm not faulting the statement AND I feel the weight of it.
I feel like I'm fighting who I've been in the past to myself and other people. I'm having a hard time with this. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like even if I succeed in having integrity and strengthening my character people will still see the person I taught them I am. That I will still see the person I dint want to be.
The thing is, I know I'm putting these thoughts on myself. This particular person is pretty go with the flow. Even if he did judge me, he wouldn't tell me. It doesn't matter what's going on for me, the good, bad, or ugly, he supports me. I have a really hard time with that. Sometimes I just want to ask what is wrong with him. Doesn't he get that I'm not worth his time.
I just want to let things be. When I don't feel worthy I tend to push back. I want people to see my unworthiness and see that I'm not worth their time.
And that is what feeds my food addiction.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Keeping My Commitment
Day three went well. I was craving chocolate and almost caved but then decided I didn't want it. I seem to have the candy craving every afternoon. That is good to know.
It was also another productive day. I'm oddly in the cleaning mood right now. I think that might be a byproduct of keeping my word. Weird.
Yesterday, I thought I want going to blog everyday however right after I had that thought I saw a Facebook post that changed my mind. I really love the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. I like his Facebook page and its the first time I've ever seen anything posted from that page. It was on how John can to the conclusion that he needed to write in a journal everyday as a form of self discipline.
That makes a lot of sense to me. When I write it helps me be aware of what I'm doing. It also helps me let go of the bad days and give thanks for the good days. I decided I want to make that commitment. This posts counts because even though it's almost 4:30am, I haven't sleep slept get. Like I said it was a productive day. Totally in action today!
It was also another productive day. I'm oddly in the cleaning mood right now. I think that might be a byproduct of keeping my word. Weird.
Yesterday, I thought I want going to blog everyday however right after I had that thought I saw a Facebook post that changed my mind. I really love the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. I like his Facebook page and its the first time I've ever seen anything posted from that page. It was on how John can to the conclusion that he needed to write in a journal everyday as a form of self discipline.
That makes a lot of sense to me. When I write it helps me be aware of what I'm doing. It also helps me let go of the bad days and give thanks for the good days. I decided I want to make that commitment. This posts counts because even though it's almost 4:30am, I haven't sleep slept get. Like I said it was a productive day. Totally in action today!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Day 2: Hell Hath Frozen Over?
I think hell might have frozen over. Yesterday, I was so physical and mentally opposed to food prepping that I had a meltdown over it. Tears, anger, the whole nine yards. I had a headache to end all headaches. It was not pretty but at 11pm I chose to be an adult and food prep. Come to think of it, I acted like a child who was told to clean my room. Yikes, that's embarrassing.
I went to sleep at 2am with food prep done and two more episodes of Grey's Anatomy watched. You would think my day didn't start of good because before I went to sleep I decided there was no way I was going to keep my commitment to go to the gym at 5:30am. That was okay because I actually cooked. That is way more important than the gym.
When I got up I went in the bathroom to get ready for work. I'm looking around and think, "hey I think I'll clean the bathroom". Those that know me know that I don't like cooking or cleaning. Sometimes I wonder if I avoid going home to not feel guilty about this.
Willingly cleaning the bathroom was strange however during the day I thought of all these yummy things I could cook. Remember I had a meltdown just yesterday about cooking and it took me until 11pm to stop whining about it and just get it done.
4pm comes and I'm anxious for the owner of the company I work for to leave so I could go to the GROCERY store and get food for the recipes I want to try. I food prepped yesterday which means I have enough food to last me until Sunday.
Yep, I cooked two days in a row! Today I totally wanted to. It won't go to waste because I now have food in the freezer. Yes, that's right I went from basically throwing a tantrum to willingly cooking.
Oh and then I decided to do laundry AND put it away! Say what?!
Not bad for only being day 2.
I went to sleep at 2am with food prep done and two more episodes of Grey's Anatomy watched. You would think my day didn't start of good because before I went to sleep I decided there was no way I was going to keep my commitment to go to the gym at 5:30am. That was okay because I actually cooked. That is way more important than the gym.
When I got up I went in the bathroom to get ready for work. I'm looking around and think, "hey I think I'll clean the bathroom". Those that know me know that I don't like cooking or cleaning. Sometimes I wonder if I avoid going home to not feel guilty about this.
Willingly cleaning the bathroom was strange however during the day I thought of all these yummy things I could cook. Remember I had a meltdown just yesterday about cooking and it took me until 11pm to stop whining about it and just get it done.
4pm comes and I'm anxious for the owner of the company I work for to leave so I could go to the GROCERY store and get food for the recipes I want to try. I food prepped yesterday which means I have enough food to last me until Sunday.
Yep, I cooked two days in a row! Today I totally wanted to. It won't go to waste because I now have food in the freezer. Yes, that's right I went from basically throwing a tantrum to willingly cooking.
Oh and then I decided to do laundry AND put it away! Say what?!
Not bad for only being day 2.
Day 1
In my last post I told you I'm not the person I want to be. That my addiction to food has taken over my life for far too long. It has encouraged me to be the bad friend who is often the first to say let's go eat bad things. I vowed to do better not only for myself but those around me.
The last few days I've been slowly preparing for today. Today was officially Day 1. You may wonder why today was the day and not yesterday for the day before. It's because I want to be a person of integrity and Monday I knew I wouldn't be home until after 11pm and yesterday I had an appointment after work.
So today was the day. My debit cards are gone so that I am not tempted to go out to eat. My food prepping is under way as promised. All in all a successful day with a minor meltdown and a lot of emotions.
At one point I burst into tears and thought to myself, "this is too hard, I can't do it." I felt so angry. I felt powerless. I felt like this is too big of a task. Though I must say that I'm proud of myself for doing the one thing that I struggle to remember when I'm struggling - I prayed.
It help me to remember to stop thinking about all of the tomorrow's to come. Today is all I have. I was feeling overwhelmed by having to do this day after day. When I feel overwhelmed I want to eat. When I thought about what I had left to do TODAY (grocery shop and food prep), I realized it wasn't too much. I could do that. I did do that!
After I calmed down I felt like a two year old having a temper tantrum. But I also felt how powerful addiction is. I liken it to an all encompassing black hole that I'm drowning in.
I wasn't powerless though. I still did what I said I was going to do. I cooked. I didn't eat fast food. I didn't ask anyone else to eat anything unhealthy. I went grocery shopping. Most importantly I feel like I took some power back.
On to Day 2!
The last few days I've been slowly preparing for today. Today was officially Day 1. You may wonder why today was the day and not yesterday for the day before. It's because I want to be a person of integrity and Monday I knew I wouldn't be home until after 11pm and yesterday I had an appointment after work.
So today was the day. My debit cards are gone so that I am not tempted to go out to eat. My food prepping is under way as promised. All in all a successful day with a minor meltdown and a lot of emotions.
At one point I burst into tears and thought to myself, "this is too hard, I can't do it." I felt so angry. I felt powerless. I felt like this is too big of a task. Though I must say that I'm proud of myself for doing the one thing that I struggle to remember when I'm struggling - I prayed.
It help me to remember to stop thinking about all of the tomorrow's to come. Today is all I have. I was feeling overwhelmed by having to do this day after day. When I feel overwhelmed I want to eat. When I thought about what I had left to do TODAY (grocery shop and food prep), I realized it wasn't too much. I could do that. I did do that!
After I calmed down I felt like a two year old having a temper tantrum. But I also felt how powerful addiction is. I liken it to an all encompassing black hole that I'm drowning in.
I wasn't powerless though. I still did what I said I was going to do. I cooked. I didn't eat fast food. I didn't ask anyone else to eat anything unhealthy. I went grocery shopping. Most importantly I feel like I took some power back.
On to Day 2!
Monday, March 2, 2015
I am an accomplice no more
I'm realizing more and more that I'm not the person I want to be. I've come to accept that I can't do the same shit I've been doing but I've been reluctant to make a change because I'm as guilty as anyone in making bad choices. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I suddenly said don't want to do this anymore.
Our journey is our journey. I'm the type of person who needs to discover things for myself. No matter how many times someone says something I have to get it. Not just in my head but in my heart. Not wanting to be a hypocrite isn't a good reason to stay in a situation I know doesn't work for me. My fear of change isn't either. When we know better, we should make different choices.
I’ve been coaching a program called the Self Expression and Leadership program. In this program we are supposed to interview people in our community. One of the questions that we ask is, “what can you count on me for?” I’ve been stuck on this question. I’ve also been reading about character and integrity. According to dictionary.com ‘character’ is defined as: 1) the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2) One such feature or trait; characteristic. 3) Moral or ethical quality: “a man of fine, honorable character.” 4) Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: “It takes character to face up to a bully.” 5) Reputation 6) Good repute 7) An account of qualities of peculiarities of a person or thing.
Looking at this question alongside of character one thing becomes clear to me: what I can be counted on for to people who are struggling to lose weight is to be an accomplice. I am a person of low character. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be the person who is down to eat crap while saying I want to do things differently. I don’t want to be a person who is afraid to make changes because I don’t want to give up what I know. I don’t want to be beat down by my bad habits and resigned to the same vicious circle for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the person that people can count on to be these things for them.
I want to be a person who is known for being a positive supportive friend who is not willing to be down for the things that keep us stuck. At Landmark we create a possibility for the future. When I decided to coach the Self Expression and Leadership program I created the possibility of courage and living life powerfully. I have felt a shift but I’ve also still been clinging to what I know. I’ve been scared to let go of the ways that hurt me because what I know I need to do seems so hard. I can't live into my possibility unless I let go off the past.
I’ve bought into the things that the people who are trying to help me have been saying but I haven’t had the courage to let go of my bad habits. I can’t be half in and hope to succeed. I need to set up my life to support what I want. What I want is to be free of addiction.
I’ve been getting closer and closer to letting go but I’m scared of change. I’m scared of losing people that are important to me. I’m scared of being the person who is willing to lose the people that are important to be to be free of my addiction. I don’t want to be a bad friend, and be the person who says this doesn’t work for me anymore, when I know I’ve often been the first person to say hey let’s go eat crap. I have awesome friends who don’t judge me and share my struggle. I don’t want to give that up. It’s sad because I don’t want to be a bad friend but this is what makes me a bad friend.
I know the people who share my struggle are also trying to get healthy. A good friend doesn’t stay in the pit with you just because we are in it together. We help each other out of it. I haven’t been helping myself and I certainly haven’t been helping you. My actions say hey we might be down in this pit but at least we got each other. No. I am not willing to do this anymore. I’m sorry that this is the type of friend I’ve been.
The question is what am I willing to do? I think the first step is getting rid of my debit cards. A friend offered to take them last night but I wasn’t willing to part with them. I started getting myself out of the pit before and giving up my debit cards was like a ladder. I’m weak in the face of temptation but when I don’t have the ability to swipe my card I’m a lot more present to what I have to spend. It doesn’t matter that I should be able to have the self-discipline to only use my cards for certain things. What matters is that I know that right now I don’t have that self-discipline. I can either continue to do what isn’t working or try something different.
I’m willing to make a plan at the beginning of every week that includes the days I’m planning on eating out and telling people what my plan is and asking them to hold me accountable. I’m asking for people to not ask me to go out to dinner with them at the last minute. I can have the best of intentions when I go out to eat but the truth is I don’t like “wasting” my money on healthy stuff. I can either continue to pretend that this isn’t the way I think or adjust. I’m made myself wrong for having my tendencies. It’s not wrong. It just is. It is exhausting to fight myself day after day to try to hold onto what doesn’t work. I don’t want to fight myself anymore. I want to do something different.
Our journey is our journey. I'm the type of person who needs to discover things for myself. No matter how many times someone says something I have to get it. Not just in my head but in my heart. Not wanting to be a hypocrite isn't a good reason to stay in a situation I know doesn't work for me. My fear of change isn't either. When we know better, we should make different choices.
I’ve been coaching a program called the Self Expression and Leadership program. In this program we are supposed to interview people in our community. One of the questions that we ask is, “what can you count on me for?” I’ve been stuck on this question. I’ve also been reading about character and integrity. According to dictionary.com ‘character’ is defined as: 1) the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2) One such feature or trait; characteristic. 3) Moral or ethical quality: “a man of fine, honorable character.” 4) Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: “It takes character to face up to a bully.” 5) Reputation 6) Good repute 7) An account of qualities of peculiarities of a person or thing.
Looking at this question alongside of character one thing becomes clear to me: what I can be counted on for to people who are struggling to lose weight is to be an accomplice. I am a person of low character. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be the person who is down to eat crap while saying I want to do things differently. I don’t want to be a person who is afraid to make changes because I don’t want to give up what I know. I don’t want to be beat down by my bad habits and resigned to the same vicious circle for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the person that people can count on to be these things for them.
I want to be a person who is known for being a positive supportive friend who is not willing to be down for the things that keep us stuck. At Landmark we create a possibility for the future. When I decided to coach the Self Expression and Leadership program I created the possibility of courage and living life powerfully. I have felt a shift but I’ve also still been clinging to what I know. I’ve been scared to let go of the ways that hurt me because what I know I need to do seems so hard. I can't live into my possibility unless I let go off the past.
I’ve bought into the things that the people who are trying to help me have been saying but I haven’t had the courage to let go of my bad habits. I can’t be half in and hope to succeed. I need to set up my life to support what I want. What I want is to be free of addiction.
I’ve been getting closer and closer to letting go but I’m scared of change. I’m scared of losing people that are important to me. I’m scared of being the person who is willing to lose the people that are important to be to be free of my addiction. I don’t want to be a bad friend, and be the person who says this doesn’t work for me anymore, when I know I’ve often been the first person to say hey let’s go eat crap. I have awesome friends who don’t judge me and share my struggle. I don’t want to give that up. It’s sad because I don’t want to be a bad friend but this is what makes me a bad friend.
I know the people who share my struggle are also trying to get healthy. A good friend doesn’t stay in the pit with you just because we are in it together. We help each other out of it. I haven’t been helping myself and I certainly haven’t been helping you. My actions say hey we might be down in this pit but at least we got each other. No. I am not willing to do this anymore. I’m sorry that this is the type of friend I’ve been.
The question is what am I willing to do? I think the first step is getting rid of my debit cards. A friend offered to take them last night but I wasn’t willing to part with them. I started getting myself out of the pit before and giving up my debit cards was like a ladder. I’m weak in the face of temptation but when I don’t have the ability to swipe my card I’m a lot more present to what I have to spend. It doesn’t matter that I should be able to have the self-discipline to only use my cards for certain things. What matters is that I know that right now I don’t have that self-discipline. I can either continue to do what isn’t working or try something different.
I’m willing to make a plan at the beginning of every week that includes the days I’m planning on eating out and telling people what my plan is and asking them to hold me accountable. I’m asking for people to not ask me to go out to dinner with them at the last minute. I can have the best of intentions when I go out to eat but the truth is I don’t like “wasting” my money on healthy stuff. I can either continue to pretend that this isn’t the way I think or adjust. I’m made myself wrong for having my tendencies. It’s not wrong. It just is. It is exhausting to fight myself day after day to try to hold onto what doesn’t work. I don’t want to fight myself anymore. I want to do something different.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Faith, Integrity, Character, and An Exercise in Self Disipline
Sorry if this post looks weird. I've tried everything to fix it. Nothing I do changes the formatting.
Early this week I read a General Conference talk by Richard G Scott that really stuck with me. I think it's because I often struggle with how faith works. When I read faith paired with character, I got faith in a while new way.
Here's the part from the talk, 'The Transforming Power of Faith and Character' that really stood out to me: "Faith and character are intimately related. Faith in the power of obedience to the commandments of God will forge strength of character available to you in times of urgent need. Such character is not developed in moments of great challenge or temptation. That is when it is intended to be used. Your exercise of faith in true principles builds character; fortified character expands your capacity to exercise more faith. As a result, your capacity and confidence to conquer the trials of life is enhanced. The more your character is fortified, the more enabled you are to benefit from exercising the power of faith. You will discover how faith and character interact to strengthen one another. Character is woven patiently from threads of applied principle, doctrine, and obedience."
I always knew I was a person who struggled with faith. I didn't realize that I'm a person of low character. I am not the most forgiving person to my flaws but I'm not saying this to put myself down. I feel so weak and powerless when I'm tempted. Food is my addiction. There is always an excuse. If my strength of character was strong I'd be able to be confident in myself in the face of temptation.
Elder Scott goes on to say, "You cannot be passive in life, or in time the natural man will undermine your efforts to live worthily. You become what you do and what you think about." When I was exercising my faith and acting on what I was asked to do, even though I didn't understand why, I felt powerful. I felt like my life was going in the right direction. I was becoming the person I wanted to be - a person of integrity. When I started giving into my whims life got harder. I felt that I was doing the wrong things.
Early this week I read a General Conference talk by Richard G Scott that really stuck with me. I think it's because I often struggle with how faith works. When I read faith paired with character, I got faith in a while new way.
Here's the part from the talk, 'The Transforming Power of Faith and Character' that really stood out to me: "Faith and character are intimately related. Faith in the power of obedience to the commandments of God will forge strength of character available to you in times of urgent need. Such character is not developed in moments of great challenge or temptation. That is when it is intended to be used. Your exercise of faith in true principles builds character; fortified character expands your capacity to exercise more faith. As a result, your capacity and confidence to conquer the trials of life is enhanced. The more your character is fortified, the more enabled you are to benefit from exercising the power of faith. You will discover how faith and character interact to strengthen one another. Character is woven patiently from threads of applied principle, doctrine, and obedience."
I always knew I was a person who struggled with faith. I didn't realize that I'm a person of low character. I am not the most forgiving person to my flaws but I'm not saying this to put myself down. I feel so weak and powerless when I'm tempted. Food is my addiction. There is always an excuse. If my strength of character was strong I'd be able to be confident in myself in the face of temptation.
I'm also realizing how much more strength I had when I was obedient to certain
principles. Non members of the LDS church think certain rules are ridiculous.
I'll admit that I agreed with some of that criticism. I thought it was
ridiculous that we weren't allowed to watch rated R movies. For the first two
years I faithfully abided by that even though I didn't understand it.
Last year there was a movie I really wanted to see so after much back and
forth, I decided it was a stupid rule and started watching rated R movies
again. I reasoned it was okay because I had so many other struggles to contend
with and it wouldn't cost me my temple recommend. That was the beginning of a lot of poor decisions on my part.
The next decision was oh I'll just go to the movies once on Sunday, it will be okay just this once. Just this once turned into not even trying to keep the Sabbath day holy. I'll skip church, just this once, turned into going to church, MAYBE once a month for the last five months. I'll skip my tithing, just this once, turned into missing an entire year of tithing.
These decisions finally did cost me my temple recommend. I could have lied and said I was keeping the Sabbath day holy, and tithing, and going to church. It would have been between my and Heavenly Father. I get people struggle but I wasn't even trying anymore. I started to believe it was too hard to live this way. For two years it wasn't too hard. I only decided it was to hard when doing what Heavenly Father commands us to do went against what I wanted to do. I knew in my heart I didn't deserve to keep my temple recommend.
The next decision was oh I'll just go to the movies once on Sunday, it will be okay just this once. Just this once turned into not even trying to keep the Sabbath day holy. I'll skip church, just this once, turned into going to church, MAYBE once a month for the last five months. I'll skip my tithing, just this once, turned into missing an entire year of tithing.
These decisions finally did cost me my temple recommend. I could have lied and said I was keeping the Sabbath day holy, and tithing, and going to church. It would have been between my and Heavenly Father. I get people struggle but I wasn't even trying anymore. I started to believe it was too hard to live this way. For two years it wasn't too hard. I only decided it was to hard when doing what Heavenly Father commands us to do went against what I wanted to do. I knew in my heart I didn't deserve to keep my temple recommend.
I think this is what I needed to understand why we have "ridiculous"
rules. When I decided to join the LDS church I agreed to live by the
"rules", despite not truly getting why. Why do we
have "rules" to live by? I've heard non members say the rules are
controlling and stifling but honestly I felt the most free when I stayed true
to the "rules". I felt in control of my life. Life was better. I
was developing the strength of character not to let my temptations control me.
I wasn't perfect, everyone has struggles, but I was a person I could be proud
of. Now before you say I'm being to hard on myself let me explain.
Elder Scott says, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what
we want to become each day. Righteous character is a precious
manifestation of what you are becoming. Righteous character is more valuable
than any material object you own, any knowledge you have gained through study,
or any goals you have attained no matter how well lauded by mankind. In the
next life your righteous character will be evaluated to assess how well you
used the privilege of mortality.
Neither Satan
nor any other power can destroy or undermine your growing character. Only you
could do that through disobedience. A sterling character is converted into
worthless ashes when eroded by deceit or transgression.Elder Scott goes on to say, "You cannot be passive in life, or in time the natural man will undermine your efforts to live worthily. You become what you do and what you think about." When I was exercising my faith and acting on what I was asked to do, even though I didn't understand why, I felt powerful. I felt like my life was going in the right direction. I was becoming the person I wanted to be - a person of integrity. When I started giving into my whims life got harder. I felt that I was doing the wrong things.
I want to be
a person of righteous character. It's really made me consider where my bad
habits rule my life. I don't want to be ruled by my impulses. I noticed
the other day that I have the impulse to pick up my phone constantly. The more
I thought about this talk and the more I thought about how my impulses rule my
life, I realized I needed to do things differently.
I decided to
do an exercise in self-discipline and step away from constantly needing to be
plugged in. At first, I considered just leaving my phone at work until Tuesday
but that doesn't help me be more disciplined. It just takes away the temptation.
I can't completely remove temptation from my life but I can develop my
integrity to strengthen my character.
I decided
that I will not call, text, or Facebook anyone for three days and that I need
to keep my phone in my possession. Of course I'm going to be smart about
it and log out of Facebook and keep my phone in airplane mode as a
reminder.
You might be
wondering what this has to do with keeping the commandments. I keep going back
to the word of wisdom. As a member of the LDS church I'm asked not to drink
coffee or tea, to not do drugs, etc. It's so you don't become addicted to them.
I have a food addiction and I'm also weak when faced with temptation. I'm
tempted to pick up my phone all of the time. It's not healthy to feel like my
right arm is missing if I leave my phone at home. I don't want to be a slave to
my whims.
I want to be
a person of righteous character and that means I have to be willing to put in
the effort. There are big things I struggle with. This is a small thing. If I
can do this small thing then I can do something bigger the next time.
I'm not sure
how this is going to go. Like I said I feel like my right arm is missing when I
don't have my phone but I'm committed to seeing it through.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
New Year, New Direction
It's been a long time since I've had a post. I hadn't been inspired to say anything. Normally when I get quiet it's not a good thing. It means I'm depressed and don't want to deal with the world. While, I admit I've been quiet, I've been anything but depressed.
Life has been taking me in a new direction lately. A direction I'm excited about and at the same time nervous about. It's taking me away from the only environment I've known for the last 3 plus year and I think that is a good thing. For the last 3 plus years I've been focused on the area I struggle the most with - weight. In that time I've lost 100 pounds and regained 95 of those pounds.
A funny thing happened when I changed my focus - I started losing weight. I'm regaining the ground that I've lost. I only have 80 more pounds until I'm back to my 100 pound weight loss!
You might be wondering what prompted this change in direction. I'm tired of being in the thing I struggle the most with. Everyday I was faced with where I am with my weight. I felt like a hypocrite. I was so heavily involved in the Be Your BEST Foundation and I had been struggling to lose a pound. The program is about transforming your life and I've been literally killing myself. Last month I couldn't workout because my blood pressure was so high that I could have had a stroke. The doctor asked why I wasn't taking my medicine and my response was that I didn't feel like it. That's definitely not transformation but it was a wake up call.
I made the choice to distance myself from my struggle. NOT ignore it as I have done in the past but to focus on something else the fills me up instead of depletes me.
For me that meant giving up almost everything I was doing for the Be Your BEST Foundation. My heart wasn't in it anymore. I means finding the courage to do what scares me. I just started coaching the Self Expression and Leadership Program at Landmark. I have 4 people that I am coaching on projects.
My SELP is coming to an end Thursday. Out of my participation in the program, I've gained the confidence to create a new possibility for my life. One where I have courage and live my life powerfully. Before my SELP I would have never thought of myself as someone who could coach others. Not me. Who am I?
Now, I can say that I am a person who doesn't want to stay in the box I made for myself anymore. I don't want to be the person who is just good at details and administrative tasks. My all-time favorite quote is by a man named Leo Rosten, “The purpose of life is not to be happy—but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you lived at all.”
This is what I want from my life. I've been too afraid of living to put myself out there and take a chance. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to do what fills me up and that is making a difference in the lives of others.
I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm mostly at peace with where I'm at. The one area I struggle with is that it is pulling me in a different direction than the friends I have made in the last three plus years. It's hard to feel like the odd person out and be out of the loop. I know that the people who are supposed to be in my life will remain in my life. It's just hard because I love the people in my life.
The thing that I've learned at BEST is that it's not about losing weight it's about transforming your life. I feel like that I'm finally letting go of where I thought my life should go and letting it go where it needs to so I can have the transformation that I want. The thing I discovered by doing the Landmark curriculum for living is that I don't have to have all of the answers. I just have to deal with what's so and make choices as they come.
For now that choice is to mostly step away from BEST for now and focus on what I can do to make a difference in the lives of others in a new way. I'm very good at administrative tasks and details but that is not the box I want to be in anymore. I tried to force myself to stay in that box because I am good at what I do however once I saw a new possibility that box didn't fit anymore.
I'm excited to see where life takes me in 2015!
Life has been taking me in a new direction lately. A direction I'm excited about and at the same time nervous about. It's taking me away from the only environment I've known for the last 3 plus year and I think that is a good thing. For the last 3 plus years I've been focused on the area I struggle the most with - weight. In that time I've lost 100 pounds and regained 95 of those pounds.
A funny thing happened when I changed my focus - I started losing weight. I'm regaining the ground that I've lost. I only have 80 more pounds until I'm back to my 100 pound weight loss!
You might be wondering what prompted this change in direction. I'm tired of being in the thing I struggle the most with. Everyday I was faced with where I am with my weight. I felt like a hypocrite. I was so heavily involved in the Be Your BEST Foundation and I had been struggling to lose a pound. The program is about transforming your life and I've been literally killing myself. Last month I couldn't workout because my blood pressure was so high that I could have had a stroke. The doctor asked why I wasn't taking my medicine and my response was that I didn't feel like it. That's definitely not transformation but it was a wake up call.
I made the choice to distance myself from my struggle. NOT ignore it as I have done in the past but to focus on something else the fills me up instead of depletes me.
For me that meant giving up almost everything I was doing for the Be Your BEST Foundation. My heart wasn't in it anymore. I means finding the courage to do what scares me. I just started coaching the Self Expression and Leadership Program at Landmark. I have 4 people that I am coaching on projects.
My SELP is coming to an end Thursday. Out of my participation in the program, I've gained the confidence to create a new possibility for my life. One where I have courage and live my life powerfully. Before my SELP I would have never thought of myself as someone who could coach others. Not me. Who am I?
Now, I can say that I am a person who doesn't want to stay in the box I made for myself anymore. I don't want to be the person who is just good at details and administrative tasks. My all-time favorite quote is by a man named Leo Rosten, “The purpose of life is not to be happy—but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you lived at all.”
This is what I want from my life. I've been too afraid of living to put myself out there and take a chance. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to do what fills me up and that is making a difference in the lives of others.
I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm mostly at peace with where I'm at. The one area I struggle with is that it is pulling me in a different direction than the friends I have made in the last three plus years. It's hard to feel like the odd person out and be out of the loop. I know that the people who are supposed to be in my life will remain in my life. It's just hard because I love the people in my life.
The thing that I've learned at BEST is that it's not about losing weight it's about transforming your life. I feel like that I'm finally letting go of where I thought my life should go and letting it go where it needs to so I can have the transformation that I want. The thing I discovered by doing the Landmark curriculum for living is that I don't have to have all of the answers. I just have to deal with what's so and make choices as they come.
For now that choice is to mostly step away from BEST for now and focus on what I can do to make a difference in the lives of others in a new way. I'm very good at administrative tasks and details but that is not the box I want to be in anymore. I tried to force myself to stay in that box because I am good at what I do however once I saw a new possibility that box didn't fit anymore.
I'm excited to see where life takes me in 2015!
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