In the end

This past month has probably been the hardest month of my life so far but it's strange because I feel mentally stronger. Patrick (my trainer) tells me a lot that I need to get out of my head and I finally understand what that means.

If you would have described what I would go through in the last month before it happened I would have said there is no way I could do it. I have learned that I'm far more capable than I give myself credit for. I did struggle with the emotions but in the moment I just was able to react, not think about it, and just do whatever needed to be done. I'm grateful I had the support of all of my friends and that I allowed people to help me, because honestly I don't know that I would have held up on my own. Once I stopped beating myself up for what I wasn't doing well everything got so much easier. I would just berate myself for not handling things better but you know it was hard to watch the person, who was once the strongest person I knew, become so weak and dependent. It was hard to sit there day after day watching him slip away and know there was nothing I could do about it. It was hard sitting there listening to him talk about what he was going to do when he got better knowing he was never going to get better. It was confusing and hard to be told one day this is probably it, he probably won't wake up again, only for him to be up and moving around without a walker the next. It is impossible for your brain not to have hope when you see that kind of turn around. In the end he had the opposite turn around. He was doing so good (well as good as a person with terminal cancer can do) he tricked his sister into walking him a mile in his wheelchair down to Wells Fargo one day and then the next he hardly had the strength to get up. I had been through this before. I had seen him fade so far only to come back so when my Aunt's were all concerned I was in a wait and see mode. The difference was the last time he was so low I sat by his bedside and I had this feeling of assurance that it wasn't his time and it gave me peace. I felt his spirit was still so strong. I was sitting beside his bed two days before he died and I knew in my heart this was is. I could feel his spirit was growing weak. I was hoping I was wrong but I knew I wasn't. The day before he died I knew it was just a matter of time because he was sitting up in his wheelchair and his eyes were open but there was nothing there. He could still hear and respond but it was like he wasn't seeing.

I feel like this experience has changed me and I hope it's a permanent change. I don't know how to explain it but when my grandma and my mom died all of those years ago it felt like a part of my soul died. I couldn't cry, I couldn't deal with it. It almost feels like I got a part of my soul back going through this experience with my grandpa. As much as I would have liked to have run away some days I didn't - I stayed. I feel closer to Heavenly Father and it's strange but it seems almost like for the first time in my life I want to live my life. Life is too short. Unfortunately getting sick hasn't helped me get on with my life as soon as I would have liked but I feel ready to stop letting the things that don't matter stop me. Like I said I hope that this sticks because it feels like the weight of the past has been lifted. If you see me forget just remind me to remember this experience because I don't want to go back.

If only...

I wish there was a switch that I could flip that would make everything better.  I feel like a failure because I haven't been able to overcome my sabotaging tendencies.  Patrick is frustrated that I still have the same issues over and over again and I don't blame him.  When I saw my counselor the other day I asked how I can fix the one thing that never really goes away - I don't like myself and I feel unworthy to breath air sometimes let alone have or do anything good.  I felt really good about the weight I had lost and then the anger set in. I wouldn't have had to lose the weight if I would have been a stronger person.  I made choices. I chose to believe that I was unlovable, worthless, stupid and now those choices are ingrained in me. I feel like if I were a stronger person this would not have happened.  Someone once told me that our minds and bodies will do whatever it takes to survive. She said that I did the best I could with the tools that I had and that my choices were not made in a vacuum.  I wasn't willing to hear that then, but I believe that is true.

So, how do I change what I believe to be true about myself? The counselor said I have to start retraining my brain because it will believe anything we tell it. I was giving an assignment to start doing disputations.  Basically when I have these negative beliefs pop into my held I'm supposed to write it down on a piece of paper and then I'm supposed to dispute why that is not true.  We worked on I'm unworthy.  I had to come up with 10 reason I am worthy.  Yeah, I had trouble coming up with one. She said once the thought comes into my head I'm supposed to read the reasons that's not true until the thought passes. She said it will be uncomfortable, I won't believe it, but it will start retraining my brain to think differently about myself.

What I've learned

I believe weight loss comes from being persistent, being emotional strong, and most importantly being spiritually strong. Sure, you have to eat right and exercise but, a lot of times, it's the stuff that goes on in our head that stops us from doing those things. "I can't do it." "It's too hard." "I'm not strong enough."...The true is that you are strong enough to do anything if your mind is in the right place. To lose weight you have to be all in. This doesn't mean that you won't have moments of weakness, it just means that when those weak moments happen you aren't going to quit. You may go backwards, you may stall, but you know it's only a set back and soon you will be back on it. I believe it is in these times where I have the most growth. These are the times I hate but these are the times I need.

Owning My Choices

I'm just getting back on track after having being on a two week binge. I was off track for three weeks but thankfully only two of those week's were a full on binge because I'd hate to see the scale damage had it been a full 3 week binge. It took my 6 weeks to lose 21 pounds and only a little over two weeks to gain 14 of those pounds back. I've been thinking a lot about what the counselor said about having to own my choices.  She said that if I'm going to eat something I need to own it and right it down. I've been fairly good about that except when it comes to binges. I'm tired of sabotaging myself. People ask what a binge is and I give them the, it's not so bad, short version, but it is that bad.  I want this binge to be the last and it's nagging at me that I am making it easy for myself to continue to do this because I don't own it.  I don't believe the binge would have lasted as long as it did had I done what the counselor suggested a year ago and own my choices by writing them down.

So, I'm going to own my choices now and tell you all what a two week binge looks like. The first week was bad enough but as time went on it became much, much worse. 33 cookies at 230 calories each, 4 pieces of cake, 2 cupcakes, 1 piece of cheese cake, 9 candy bars, 6 frozen yogurts, 2 cups of ice cream, 8 tacos, 2 chicken quesadillas, 2 supreme nachos, 1 movie nacho, 4 servings of chow mien, 2 servings of pork fried rice, 4 servings of orange chicken, 4 egg rolls, 3 orders of french fries, 6 six inch spicy italian subs, 1 bag of cheese popcorn, and 1 medium pizza. I know this isn't all that I ate but it is all that I remember.

You don't have to tell me how horrible this is, I know. The thing is, I feel like I can do it because nobody knows about it and if nobody knows about it, I can hide behind the secrecy. Most of those 14 pounds must be water weight right? Wrong! Well, now I don't have the comfort of nobody knowing to hide behind anymore. If I say I binged you all will know exactly what that means. I want this binge to be the last binge I ever have.

Out with the old and in with the new

My blog was a little too dark and boring so I decided it needed a makeover.  Orange is not my favorite color but for some reason I associate it with happy, so orange it is! Why is it that I have the song 'Shiny Happy People' in my head?! R.E.M - Shiny Happy People  Any who, so what do you think? Did I succeed in making my blog a happy blog?.... Well, that would be by appearance only of course. The content depends on the day. Today is fluff and stuff.

The blog makeover is kind of like my mood. I'm ready for change. Okay, it is not lost on me that I've been all about change this last year, but life is too serious and I need to change that.  I'm ready for some fun!  I'm considering going to San Diego with people I've never met before. That is always an adventure. I've met some awesome people that way.  I really should go to Los Angeles in July if I go to California because some of my favorite people will be there.  Although Los Angeles is not change. Been there, done that but at least it is fun. Decisions, decisions.

Out of Sorts

Change is so hard. I think I'm feeling a little insecure right now with where I fit. I'm not who I was a year ago but I'm still in a transition so I feel like I don't really fit anywhere. I'm trying to be patient and let things happen the way they are meant to happen and not try to force the issue. It's been a challenge because I want to get to where I'm going without taking the steps I need to get there. I know it doesn't work that way but it doesn't make the wait any easier.

I'm also feeling out of sorts because I'm still battling self worth issues.  I was doing so good and then my sister freaked out because my grandpa has cancer and attacked me.  She says that I've abandoned my grandpa and that I'd probably be happy if he were dead among a lot of other things.  I tried to reason with her. I tried to be nice. I didn't react back but in the end for my own sanity I had to tell her to stop contacting me.

I think I make it okay for other people to treat me like crap by taking it out on myself.  I don't know if that makes sense. Yes, of course I was ticked at my sister when she began spouting this stuff but I got over being angry at her just not the opinion behind the words.  I make excuses for her. She is just doing what she learned. Grandpa would lash out when he was frustrated and say mean things. It doesn't make it right but I can't judge her for it.  This issue with my sister pretty much pushed the self preservation button I have.  Things have been going so well but in an instant I remembered how people can be and now I don't want to be around people. It's a lot of drama I don't want or need.

My self worth issue is also why I don't know where I fit.  I've always believed that life isn't about what you have or what you do but rather it's about the relationships you have.  I never fit with my family. A few years back I decided I need to stop the dyfunction.  I love my family but I won't live like that anymore. The problem is I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just kind of here and I don't know what to do with that. I feel like I lack purpose.

Act or Be Acted Upon

It is easy for me to build up a resistance to God.  I start doubting. I start having troubling praying. I no longer feel that peace and calmness I once felt.  I just started reading a book by David A Bednar called 'Increase in Learning Spiritual patterns for obtaining you own answers'. So far it is a good book.  I think it is helping me with some of my resistance.  It is helping me remember why I believed in the first place.  He speaks over and over again about how we are supposed to act and not merely be acted upon.  Just hearing those words I kind of knew what they meant but not well enough to put it into words so I looked up what it means to be acted upon.  The best description I found was to act means to be proactive and to be acted upon means to be reactive. That made a lot of sense to me.

Please bear with me because I have a habit of pointing out seemingly random thoughts and then going back and putting them together.  In the DVD section 11 Elder Bednar answered how a couple can teach their children.  He said it's not a parents job to teach your children but rather teach them to understand. After listening to his entire response I thought it was interesting that he said that a parents job is to teach them to understand because in the next sentence he says that ultimately you can't teach them to understand in the context that the word understand is being used.  In this context to understand is not merely a mental understanding but also an understanding in the heart and only the Holy Ghost can bring this kind of understanding. To me it would have been better for him to say a parents job is to teach their children how to understand.  He says, that "parents need to create a home where the Holy Ghost is present and can be the teacher and confirm the truthfulness of what your children come to know so they will begin to understand."

This I can understand because this is how I came to believe in the LDS church in the first place.  It has never mattered what anyone said about God.  I have always had the ability to read the scriptures and understand what was being said. I haven't always had the ability to understand with my heart and I know that is why I couldn't believe. Elder Bednar is right, nobody can teach you that kind of understand.  It would be easier if they could but life isn't meant to be easy.  I came to understand the truth through the Holy Ghost. It felt true in my heart, but I had to do a lot of seeking to get that answer. It wasn't enough to just read. I had to ask over and over again.  This it made me think of all of the other church's I went to over the years.  Not one of them said know for yourself. I heard a lot of believe what I believe because it is the truth.  I couldn't believe just because someone told me it was the truth. I had to believe it because "I" knew that was true. 

I feel like I am losing my way. I have felt like I am drowning and struggling to stop it. I think reading this book will help me.  I'm not good at doing the basic things like reading the scriptures and praying. I'm usually very good at going to church and going to activities. In short I've been good about being acted upon instead of acting.  I think that is why I'm struggling.  I haven't felt the presence of the Holy Ghost with me. I haven't been able to continue to learn and grow because I've stopped acting.

The Words I Would Say

My grandpa told me yesterday he has officially been diagnosed with cancer.  I'm not sure what that means for him and won't know until he has surgery.  What I do know is that the cancer has spread from where it originally started and generally that is not a good thing. I don't want to over think what this may mean. One step at a time seems to work well for me so why change that now.  This has however got me thinking about all of the things left unsaid.  My grandpa is going to be 79 years old in a few months and nobody lives forever. This made me think of a song by the Sidewalk Prophets called "Words I Would Say".  I've never been good a communicating. I have things that I'd like to say and often times I am frustrated because I can't just open my mouth and speak.  Part of the reason is I don't like to hurt people and the other part is that it hurts to be rejected.

My dad once asked me what he did wrong and why all of his kids abandoned him. Why he was treated like such an a-hole. My response to him was that my grandpa did far more damage than he ever did but at least my grandpa showed up. The truth is my dad disappeared for months on end. No visits, no phone calls so it's hard to have an attachment to someone that I barely know.  It was that conversation that helped me realize that my dad was never a dad. He was a dad in name only. I had always wanted him to care and I think he does but he just doesn't know how to be a father. It was easier for him to walk away then to figure it out.  It was also that conversation that helped me see I do have a dad, I just call him grandpa. It's true that grandpa did far more damage than my dad ever did but it is also true that I love him anyway.

I never told my grandma and my mom what I needed to say before they died and I will have to live with that regret for the rest of my life. The truth is I'd like to tell my grandpa how I feel, but I don't know that I have the courage to. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want it to seem like I'm whining. I'm not, it's just I don't believe anyone can truly really know who you are if you never let them in. If I had the courage to tell my grandpa my thoughts these are the words I would say:  First, I am sorry.  I resented having to live with you. I wanted to live with my dad. I understand that the last thing you expected when Mary and I moved in with you and grandma was for grandma to die and leave you to raise us alone.  I realize that was probably very overwhelming for you and you probably felt like you were in over your head.  It took me a long time to accept that you actual do love me. Grandma actually helped me with that because I remember she used to say all the time, "actions speak louder than words".  Your words were abusive. Part of me can't forgive myself for letting your words make me believe that I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable.  You used to say over and over again that the only reason I was there was because nobody wanted me. I never wanted to be your burden so I tried so hard to stay out of your way so you wouldn't have to be bothered with me.  I never quite managed to do that though. 

I don't understand why it was so easy for you to decide I was stupid.  Do you know that Jeff feels guilty because he and Mary used to laugh at me and call me stupid? He said that he believed that because that is what you and grandma used to say all the time. He said he didn't realize that it wasn't true until he actually got to know me in high school. When I was talking to Silvia the last time I was in Ohio she asked me what I was up to and I told her that I had graduated from college and was doing accounting. Her response was, "YOU went to college?!"  Did you realize people believed you and grandma when you told them how stupid I was? Did you care? 

For a very long time I too believed you when you called me stupid.  I believe you when you said nobody wanted me.  I believed that I was nothing but a stupid waste of space -- your burden and my parent's regret. No, you never said those words but that is how you made me feel.  At some point my stubborn nature kicked in because I decided you weren't going to tell me what I was capable of. I always feared that you were right but what drove me was my need to prove you wrong.  Slowly my grades started improving and that gave me hope that maybe I wasn't as stupid as you thought I was. 

Despite the words you said I can accept that you loved me because as grandma said actions speak louder than words.  You may have resented having to raise your grand kids but you did it anyway. I remember after my dad once again disappointed me you said you didn't understand why I let him hurt me over and over again.  The truth is I did it because I just wanted him to care. I didn't think you did and he did sometimes. As much as you yelled about the only reason I was living with you was because nobody else wanted me, I also saw that you were happy I was home after being gone all summer, every summer - even if you'd never admit it.  It was easy to forgive you for hurting me because I do believe you are a good person.  At some point I chose to accept that the words you said were the truth. I wish I would have been a stronger person but I can't blame you for what I chose to believe.  

Mary is upset that I don't spend more time with you. I can accept that you care and you love me but I don't think you like me very much. I do think you have a low opinion of me and I know I didn't do anything to deserve it. I can accept that you have your own issues.  

It's funny people want to make assumptions about what I care about but really if they knew me at all they would know material things don't matter to me. Yes, you'd buy me practically anything I wanted but money couldn't buy the only thing I ever wanted - to feel like I belonged somewhere. That is why I chose to move to Kentucky my sophomore year of college, not because you bought Mary a stupid car. I just didn't want to feel like I was alone in this world. Unfortunately dad ended up doing what he does best - he left AGAIN. You never said, "I told you so", you just said I could come home. I don't believe my dad when he says that he loves me because his actions don't support his words. Your actions are why I can accept that you do love me even though you have never said those words and the words you did say said otherwise.

The truth is you did hurt me but I forgave you. The truth is I love you and I am grateful to you for teaching me to be a person who has integrity.  I know that you would help anyone if it is in your power to do so because you care. I know that you are an amazing person. I know that you have a great sense of humor. I know you are the type of person I want to be - only with better communication skills.

I'm trying not to over think what comes next with my grandpa. Cancer is a scary word.  When my grandma was diagnosed with leukemia I didn't know what to expect.  I was only 10 years old when she was diagnosed and it was never a real possibility to me that she would die even though the doctor said typically people with her type of leukemia only lived for 4 years. 4 years is all she had.  Even when she went into the hospital for the last time, I still thought she'd come home. She always had before. When she was diagnosed, I never could have imagined the pain and suffering she went through in those 4 years. I never thought I'd sit there and watch as she begged God to take her because she was in so much pain. I wouldn't wish the way my grandma died on anyone.  My sister says I'm sticking my head in the sand and ignoring what is happening with my grandpa.  I'm not stupid I know what this could mean but I also won't go to worst case scenario.  Right now we don't know what this means for my grandpa. We won't know until he has his surgery and the doctor takes a look. The only thing I can do right now is pray to Heavenly Father that he watches over my grandpa and brings him comfort and peace.

In the course of a year - expanded

I've been thinking a lot about the last year of my life.  I could have never imagined how much my life could have changed in the course of one year.  Last year at this time I was without hope. I was in pain both physically and emotionally and I wanted to die.  This past year has thought me many things but the most important thing it has thought me is that you have to fight for what you want.

I didn't like how my life was going and I always thought about how I needed to change things but change is hard.  Shouldn't wanting things to change automatically make things change?  Yeah, not so much.  I talked about losing weight but I really had no idea what that meant and I think that is where a lot of people are who want to lose weight.  I looked at losing weight as exercising here and there. Dieting to lose weight but never really changing.  I never went into it with the thought that whatever I do will need to be a permanent change and with no real plan.  Last year I knew I had to do something.  I was killing myself with my unhealthy lifestyle.  I tried exercising but it never lasted. I tried dieting but I barely could last a month. I tried counseling but it too wasn't working.  When I decided to try this last time I knew that failure wasn't an option. I knew that I had to try something I never did before.  I knew I had to focus on the mind, body, and spirit.

What I see now is that I had to get past that initial push back.  Change is hard and I think our natural instinct is that being uncomfortable is bad and therefore we need to stop.  I have always fought losing weight luckily this time I had someone who kept pushing me not to give up because I wanted to so bad.  I didn't think I was capable of losing weight and really I didn't care enough about myself to care whether I lived or died. It also helped that for the first time in my life I turned to God and trusted that this was what I needed to be doing. I also decided to give it a real try. No lying on my meal logs. No skimping on my workouts. If I was going to do this I was going to be all in and for the first time in my life I was going to be honest with myself and with others.

This isn't to say it was easy after I made that decision because this has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I doubted myself, I was frustrated, I was angry, I had backslides, you name it I probably experienced it.  The one thing I did differently this time is I never gave up. Quitting wasn't an option. A month long pause ok but quitting, nope wasn't going to do it.

Not quitting is the most important thing I have learned in this last year.  Diets don't fail because they don't work, they fail because the person doing the diet doesn't put in the effort.

In the course of a year

I've been thinking a lot about the journey I have been on for the last year.  Last year at this time I couldn't have imagined how much my life could change in one short year.  Last year I didn't want to live.  My life had no purpose and I was just biding my time until the day that I died.  I've learned so much in the last year.   Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming and I will wake up and everything that has happened won't be true.

Last year at this time I knew I had to lose weight or I was going to do even more damage to my body that I couldn't take back. I really had no clue what it meant to lose weight.  I talked about it. I attempted it in the past but I never understood what a sincerely effort looked like until I started this journey 1 year ago.

Mom

Next Saturday is the 14 anniversary of my mom and step-dad's deaths. I wish things could have been different and I would have gotten the chance to know my mom.  I never thought I'd get closure with her since she died before we had the chance, but thankful I was wrong. I feel like I will finally get closure next Saturday when I am baptized on her behalf.

Empathy, Anger, and Forgiveness

Around this time of the year I find myself wondering about the man that caused the accident that killed my mom and step dad. I wonder if he still thinks about it. I wonder if he thinks about the lives that he forever altered almost 14 years ago. I wonder if it is wrong of me to have empathy for this man who caused this accident.  I truly believe that this was an accident and I hope that the guy isn't beating himself up over what happened, it's just I wonder sometimes.

I struggled with having empathy and compassion for this man right after the accident happened because this man killed, although by accident, my mom and step dad.  Why would I care how he felt? Was I being disloyal toward my mom and step-dad for having empathy for this man? Was there something wrong with me? Shouldn't I have wanted justice? That seems to be the way society works. Someone must pay, but I couldn't help but feel for this man. I imagined myself in his place and I just didn't know how I'd be able to live with myself if I had been the one who had caused this accident.

I did have my moments of anger at this man years later when I saw the pain it caused my sister to lose both of her parents.  I was angry at him.  I wondered if he realized the destruction he left in his wake. The lives that his actions forever altered. I was also angry with this man because he took away my chance to ever know my mom. I will always have questions that will never have answers. 

It took a long time to come full circle with the man that caused the accident but I finally did get back to empathy for him.

Which Path Will I Take? The Choice is Mine.

I feel like I hit a wall. It happened very quickly, so quickly that I don't really understand how things could turn so bad so quickly. I was doing really well. I was feeling really positive and then I wasn't. I'm feeling very tired. Everything in me is screaming to just give up. I haven't been reading the scriptures or praying like I should, so yesterday I prayed to Heavenly Father and asked him to please help me. A few hours later I was working and I had this very strong thought come into my mind. It was a question, "When will you make a different choice?" Then I had, it wasn't necessarily a thought as much as it was a feeling, that told me Heavenly Father was going to keep bringing me back to where I am now until I make a different choice. I've been here 3 times before with my weight loss. I've been near this weight and then all the self doubt creeps in and the weight loss isn't there so I give up and go on a binge. I gain quite a bit of weight and then have to lose it again only to get stuck in almost the same place again and again and again.

I felt prompted to do a search on lds.org regarding choices and I came across a New Era Article entitled, 'The Choice is Yours' by Jonathan M Chamberlain. In it he writes, "Until you can see where you are, what is happening around you, and where you are going, you will likely stumble blindly along, feeling miserable and purposeless as you repeat the same mistakes or sinful acts over and over again, even though each time, you vow that you will never do it again. You likely struggle to overcome, only to give in again to the next temptation in the area of your greatest weakness. This is usually followed by deep feelings of guilt, suffering of soul, and despair of ever changing. It’s a cyclic pattern—that pattern of your sin.

Recognizing the pattern sin takes in your own life is one great step in learning how to overcome it. It is like studying the enemy’s movements enough to know what he will do and how to outwit him in his own battle. You can become the master of the situation by learning how to predict the next move and use effective strategies or techniques to counterattack or even to prevent attack altogether. Until you can do this with your pattern of sinning, you likely will feel vulnerable and unable to cope with a self-defeating behavior (SDB) and allow it to sweep over you without much resistance." This is the pattern I feel like I'm caught in. It is so disheartening.

The first suggestion he gave is very simple yet very visual. He says to draw a straight line on a piece of paper with a fork veering off at the upper side. Then to draw an arrow left pointing to right and label the map "My Road to Life". I hear over and over again "choose the right" and that is what this made me think of. There really is only one choice and that is the right. Elder Chamberlain goes on to say that the map needs to be completed. He says to think of a habit you have not stopped doing. He says to make the point where the line veers off with the word situation and says that this represents where a choice needs to be made. He then says to label where the fork goes off the straight line with "SDB" (Self Destructive Behavior) and to label the lower straight line as "Best Self". Best Self is where you find your joy, contentment, and creativity.  It is true that this is how my path works for me. If I am on the straight path I am happy, I am content, and life is good. It's when I start veering off that the self doubt and sadness comes in.

Elder Chamberlain goes on to write that everyday we alone make choices to get us to where we are. He says we need to make 5 choices in order to keep the sin going and they are:   (1) inner choices, (2) outer choices‍ that support the inner choice, (3) the choice to minimize or imagine that the results are less than what they really are, (4) the choice to abandon who you really are, your best self, and (5) the choice to behave irresponsibly long enough to do the act again.

An inner choice is an urge, thought, or a deliberate plan and an outer choice is the actual act of completing the choice. I personally am an expert at the third step which is the minimize the results are less than what they really are. I say to myself quite often I can have something because this is a journey not a race. While it is okay to have something on occasion it becomes an SDB when I start lying to myself about how often I'm doing this. I know that making this choice keeps me stuck and keeps me from doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do and I swear I won't do it again but I always do.

Elder Chamberlain offers hope when he says, "It is within your power to take charge over all of these choices‍ and to select alternatives that are self-enhancing rather than self-defeating. Free agency is given to all. It comes in moments of time that are meted out to us evenly as long as we live. It is in these small units of time that we exercise our agency and do our choosing. Because of these, we are in total charge over the moment in which we do the choosing, even when we choose to be out of control. Those who exercise their agency to choose to go straight ahead on the road of life reap happiness and joy. Those who continually choose to go the SDB route reap sorrow, misery, illness, and even an early death."  He goes on to say, "When you realize that the power is already within you to choose to follow the best-self route, then you can take control over your SDB, over your sin, and make certain that you end up receiving the blessing you really want for yourself and your loved ones."

Elder Chamberlain suggests imagining meeting a usual temptation as your best self and look ahead to how good it will feel to stay to the right. He says we may have moments of fear and anxiety when we give up the SDB but he called them mythical fears.  Fears that try to scare us from making detours from our path. I think that this is where I am now. I'm facing a mythical fear and it is a fear that I have given into time and time again. 

I think it's also interesting what he says about the argument that I lack will-power. He says that will-power is nothing more than time and agency. That we have been given time to make choices and the ability to choose between alternate courses of action. He says that these two things are all be need to choose the path that leads to happiness. I love how he ends this article, "Which path will you take? The choice is yours."

The choice is mine and I don't want to give in to the same fears. I want to make different choices than I have in the past. I want to own my ability to choose my path. This article is what I need to hear. It may have been written before I was born but I feel like it was written for me. It just rings of so much truth.

http://www.lds.org/new-era/1977/02/the-choice-is-yours?lang=eng&query=choice+yours

How the Gospel Changed My Life

About a month or so ago I was asked to share my testimony of how the gospel has changed my life in Relief Society. I thought I'd share it here as well.

To say the gospel has changed my life would be an understatement.  It has given me two things that I never had before - hope and peace.  President Smith talks about how he's seen the gospel change people. How he's seen people who were discouraged, living in darkness, and those that were questioning the purpose of their being become happy and content and that has definately been my experience. I had no hope that things could be better. The only thing I wanted was a sense of peace, that my life wasn't a mistake, that there was a reason I was alive and I had never felt that. Not of lack of trying. I always somehow knew that peace could only come from God but I had no idea how to have a relationship with him. I went to many different churches over the years and in the end I was left with the same feeling of despair, that it wasn't right and I didn't belong. I thought maybe it was me. Maybe I wasn't capable of letting God in. It's a very lonley
place. It's a very hopeless place. Then, I was introduced to the gospel. I don't remember what I was reading in the Book of Mormon but I do remember that undeniable sense of calmness and peace that I felt for the first time. I knew instantly that felling was what I was looking for. The difference of how I felt could be compared to being in the middle of a raging storm where you're just struggling to survive and then the storm breaks and everything is just calm and still. It's a very comforting feeling and it's a feeling that has become stronger. The gospel has given me hope and the assurance that there is a purpose for my life. To go through this experience, to know what it's like to go from living in that dark empty place, to knowing what it's like to feel peace and contentment is life changing. To have felt that change left me no doubt that this church is true.

Confidence Killer

I've lost my sense of peace. I've been doing really well the last month and a half. I've been in a really good place.  Yesterday I was told I've lost weight but it's not as much as expected. I should be happy that I've lost weight (I have no idea how much) but it killed my confidence. My biggest fear is that I'm not capable of losing weight and keeping it off on my own. When I stopped weighing in I knew it was a risk but now I'm feeling the weight of that decision. I have 61 more days until I'm supposed to weigh in again. I don't want to get to the end of those days and find out I've barely lost weight.  I'm trying to focus on all the things I've done right the last month and a half. I really am.  I want the things that I've done right to outweigh the one thing that hasn't gone right.

I'm not going to lie to myself and say that I have no idea why the weigh loss is less than expected because my water in take has been up and down and my eating hasn't been great. Don't get me wrong it's been ok but just not great. I need to do better. I don't want to let my fear of failure make me choose not to finish what I've started. I stopped weighing in for a reason. I wanted to concentrate on doing the right things and let the weight take care of itself. I have been doing great things. I've made great accomplishments but I haven't been doing all I can do with the eating and water. I stopped doing my meal logs and I haven't been consistent on eating. I started writing down what I've been eating again today. I know I should have been doing that anyway regardless of whether I send those to Patrick. It's so easy to kid myself that what I've been eating isn't that bad but if I see it in black and white then it's easier to see whether or not that is actually true.

Really this shouldn't kill my confidence because I KNOW I haven't been doing what I need to do consistently enough. I've been worried for weeks now that I wasn't making progress and it turns out with good reason. I don't want this to get to me. I just need to start doing the things I know will get me results - drinking water consistently, eating every 3 hours, and writing down what I'm eating.  I'm not going to let this derail all of the progress I've made. I've been in a positive mood now for a month and a half. I haven't had a binge in a month and a half. Both of these things are huge for me. I just need to focus on this and make the adjustments I need to make and trust that it will be enough to produce results.

This is me. This is who I am.

I was thinking I should create a second blog to share my less personal thoughts because lets be honest this blog contains my very real thoughts and struggles. I don't hold back and it is very uncomfortable for me to let people this far into my head.

As I thought about it I realized that, you know what, this is who I am. I have struggles, I have fears, I have doubts, I am sad, and I am human. The things I have struggled with in the past, the things I currently struggle with, and the things I will struggle with are not unique to me. Yes, I've thought about suicide, I have self esteem issues, I have self worth issues, and I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in this world, but I'm also learning and growing.

I have hope, I have joy, I have dreams, I have wants, I am happy, and I'm at peace. This is me. I am no longer ashamed of where I've been. I'm no longer ashamed of who I am. Every word I have written is true. Every word I have written is real. These are the things I chose to hide. These are the things I chose to bury. These are the things I choose to set free.

Yes, it is uncomfortable, but this is me. This is who I am.

With Great Appreciation of How Far I've Come

Today for the first time I really truly appreciated how far I have come in the last 9 months.  When I look back on where I was in October of 2010 when I first saw the cardiologist I really can't believe that was me, that was my life. I was literally killing myself. I had high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, my resting heart rate was above 100, my back hurt so bad at times I could barely move, I rarely got up, I hardly ever cooked or cleaned, I slept a lot and even more on the weekends.  I was feeling miserable. I was so unhealthy and I felt every bit of it. It hurt to stand for more than five minutes at a time and forget about exercise. I ate fast food almost every night and could feel how much my weight effected my breathing. I didn't want to live.

It's amazing how stunned I was when the cardiologist said that I failed my stress test. I mean it shouldn't have come to a surprise to anyone least of all me. I knew I was doing serious damage to myself and I didn't care. I didn't know how to care. I had the biggest struggle of my life from October until June of 2011 both mentally and physically.  I think I had to go through that to actually change. I don't think I would have been able to succeed had I not been introduced to the church. I knew I was lost but I didn't know how to fix my life. I thought it was hopeless and that God couldn't possibly love me.

I know that it isn't a coincidence that my life turned around and got amazingly better after I learned how to have a relationship with God. The weird thing is always knew that was how I was going to fix what was broken but I had no idea how to do it. I'm so grateful every day to Patrick for taking the time to talk to me and tell me about his beliefs. I searched a lot of different churches but never felt like they were right. I didn't think I had anything to lose by hearing him out and then by listening to the missionaries but I didn't think I'd ever, ever join the lds church. I was a shocked as anyone that I found what I had been missing with the church. Life is so totally and completely different now.

Now, my heart feels strong. I'm learning how to cook. I drink plenty of water. I exercise quite often because I like to, not because I have to. I can stand in the kitchen and cut vegetables, wash dishes, and clean up with no pain. I just overall feel healthy. Best of all I feel happy, I feel joy, and I feel peace. I had never felt that way before. It's such an amazing feeling to wake up and my heart feels happy. I remember too many days waking up and my heart felt broken.

It's truly not about the number on the scale. I'm happy, I'm healthy - this is what all of this has been about. I felt that God had a plan for my life that my lifestyle was getting in the way of. When I look back at some of my old post it is very clear that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm moving forward and eventually the scale will catch up. What I've been doing the last 9 months is fixing what was broken inside of me which is way more important than any number on the scale. I feel confident for the first time in my life. Yes, I still have my moments of being insecure but that is to be expected.  Everything can't be fixed overnight. I will struggle, I will stumble but as long as I keep moving forward that is all that matters.

I'm hoping maybe now that I see how far I have come it will help me be more at peace with where I am and allow me to keep moving forward to where God is leading me.

Remembering Sasha

One year ago I had to make the difficult decision to put my baby, my cat Sasha to sleep. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do.  I had no idea when I took the mean nasty cat home from the shelter she would turn into the most loving, most affectionate lap cat I'd ever met.

When I saw Sasha in the shelter she sat up and meow at me and of course I was like awwww she's so cute! Then I picked her up and she BIT ME! WT...The worker explained she had issues and not to put my hand in front of her face. I know most people would probably take another one without issues, but it made me want her even more. I didn't think anyone else would take her so I decided she was the cat for me.
I got her home and found out she had far more "issues" than I was led to believe. The first night I let her sleep on my bed and she attacked me in my sleep. So began our fear/hate relationship - I feared her and she hated me.

This went on for a few months until one day she bit me and I picked her up and put her right up to my face and told her she could make us both miserable but I wasn't getting rid of her. Of course cats don't understand English, so yeah that didn't help at all, but it did give me the idea to call my aunt.  My aunt would always go on and on about these class she was taking which basically would help animals with behavioral problems work out there issues. I always thought it was a little strange but I was desperate so I called her. Luckily she had a friend who lived in Phoenix who came out to see Sasha. This lady could barely get close to Sasha. She fought her with everything she said but finally the lady was able to pin her to the ground and worked her magic. I can't explain it and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it but Sasha was a completely different cat after 1 session with this lady. It took me months not to jump every time Sasha turned her head but she became the most loving lap cat I've ever had.

We had almost 7 good years together and it broke my heart to have to put her to sleep. I think she knew and she was trying to make me feel better. When we were waiting for the doctor to come check her out at the emergency vets she was pacing and wouldn't sit still for anything. After I made the decision to put her to sleep, of course I was crying my eyes out, but she jumped up on the table, laid down in front of me and started purring. I kept telling her I over and over again that I was so sorry and she just laid there purring away as if she were telling me that it was okay and she understood that I loved her. Then the doctor gave her the injection and she was gone.

I never really appreciated how much of a presence she was until I walked into my place, sat down, and there was nobody to greet me. She left a huge void in my life. The place felt so empty without her. I didn't think anything could fill that void but much to my surprise Oscar, my other cat, was up to the challenge. I think Oscar was just biding her time waiting patiently to be top cat. She wasn't a people cat at all - she had no use for me before Sasha died.  I'd try to hold her and she'd just run away from me - little brat. I don't think it was even two days after Sasha died that she started coming around wanting attention. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better because I did a lot of crying but she wouldn't leave me alone. I remember thinking it will never be the same, you're not Sasha. Of course then I felt bad for loving Sasha more, but now I can't imagine life without her.  I still miss Sasha but I'm grateful for the almost 7 years we had together.

Yikes!!!

Ok, someone suggested I use all or part of the testimony I gave last Sunday in church on my Mormon.org profile. Yeah, that's not sitting too well with me because
How the gospel has changed my life.  The gospel has given me two things, I can with all honesty say, I had never had before - peace and hope.  President Smith talked about people who where discouraged, those who were in darkness, those who questioned the purpose of their being, and that was me. I had no hope that things could be better. The only thing I ever wanted was to feel a sense of peace, that my life wasn't a mistake, that I had the right to exist in this world and I had never felt that. I always somehow knew that God was how I was going to find peace, but I had no idea how to have a relationship with him. I searched many different churches and always came away with the same feeling of despair that it wasn't right. I thought maybe it was me. Maybe I wasn't capable of letting God into my life, but then I was introduced to the Book of Mormon. I don't remember what I was reading in the Book of Mormon but I do remember when I felt that calmness for the first time.  I knew instantly when I had felt it, that feeling was what I had been looking for.   The difference I would liken to being in the middle of a raging storm where you're just struggling to survive and then all of the sudden the storm breaks and everything is just calm and still. That feeling of calmness has gotten stronger and it has given me hope for the first time that there is a reason that I'm here and that my life wasn't a mistake. That is how I know that this church is true.

Prayer and Unwavering Faith

Today's lesson in the gospel principle's class was on prayer. On the surface it seems straight forward, you thank God for all of the blessings in your life, you seek His guidance, pray for your friends and neighbors, and even those you do not like. However, when I was sitting there listening to everyone talk about what they've prayed for I realized I'm holding back on my prayers. I have no problem asking God to watch over friends and family that are going through struggles, and some of them have some pretty big struggles, however I keep what I ask for at the surface level. I pray about the irritations of life from day to day, which don't get me wrong are things worth praying about but when it comes down to what I struggle with to the core of my being, I don't pray about those things.

It strikes me as odd that the things I struggle most with are the things that I haven't prayed about. Yes, I have prayed about related things. Things that are an extension of my bigger struggles but never the big things. I wonder why that is. Is it because I don't trust that God will help me overcome these struggles? Is it that I don't think I deserve God's help with these struggles? Why won't I talk to Him about the things that matter most?

Today, there were a few things in the Relief Society lesson on Joseph Smith regarding prayer that stood out to me even though I'd heard one of those things many times before. First, that it was natural for Joseph to seek the lord and go to him in the proper spirit. The second, the one I've heard time and again, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." This was the spirit in which Joseph Smith prayed to God and asked him for guidance as to which church was true. He expected the receive an answer. I am in awe of the strength of his believe that if he just sincerely prayed he would reason an answer. I think that fact that I am amazed by the strength of his faith is the reason I still have trouble praying to God about the big stuff.  Isn't it the ultimate show of faith that you turn your biggest struggles over to Him and believe without a doubt that He can help you overcome them. I wish I had Joseph Smith's unwavering faith.

When I think about this, I think it comes down to trust for me. I absoluetly trust that with God all things are possible but I don't trust that 'I' am worthy His help. I guess this is where I need to show Him my faith. There are a couple of verses in Alma Chapter 32 that comes to mind that talks about faith. They are verse 21, 22, and 27, "21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are no seen, which are true. 22 And now, behold, I say unto you, and I would that ye should remember, that God is merciful unto all who believe on his name; therefore he desireth, in the first place, that ye should believe, yea, even on his word....27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculities, even to an experiement upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

Really the entire chapter 32 in Alma means a lot to me but these particular three verses speak the most to me because I do struggle with faith and believing (trusting) in God. To me this is saying that he knows that not everyone can have the unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had always known and that is okay. He says that it's okay if you only desire to believe. Later on in this chaper it talks about how that desire to believe is like a seed and you have to nurture it and let it grow. I think that is where I am. I think I started with a little more than a desire to believe, I did believe, but now I think I'm learning to trust that belief.

I think it's easy for me to ask God to help my friend's and family with their struggles because I know I can not control their struggles but I still have that like death grip on my struggles. If I let them go who knows where it's going to lead me? God knows, but to give Him control scares me. I picture myself standing on a tight rope with God on the other side with His feet firmly planted on the ground reaching out his hand and I'm afraid to take it because I'm afraid I'll fall. I can clearly see him patiently waiting for me to take his hand, I just have to take it.

I tend to get impatient with myself because I wish I didn't struggle with these things. I wish I had that unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had but I also have to remind myself that I'm still learning. That seed is still growing and if I continue to push myself to have more faith and to pray a little deeper I will continue to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God.