Doubt Is An Insidious Thing

insidious 

adjective

1. intended to entrap or beguile:

an insidious plan.

2. stealthily treacherous or deceitful:

an insidious enemy.

3. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect:

an insidious disease.

 

Dictionary.com

Doubt is an insidious thing.  It hangs out in the background constantly waiting for the opportunity to invade the mind. Doubt is so clever.  Every time it hits it feels like it came out of nowhere.  Life was fine and then all the sudden - BAM - the question is there - Can I do this?   

Doubt is what derails me each and every time.  This time?  I started feeling overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose, the pain I'm in, and how difficult it feels to do the right thing.  That got me wondering what the statistics are on weight loss for people who are morbidly obese.  The statistics aren't pretty for weight loss in general.  I believe it was Richard at one of the BEST classes that said that 90% of the people who lose weight will regain all or most of it within a year.

What I've found is that for morbidly obese people, statistically less than 5% lose any meaningful weight.  What does this statistic tell me?  I was looking for ways to justify why I'm going to fail.  I didn't look up success stories, I looked up how many people fail.

I even ran across a not so nice blog that said something to the effect of so you think you are going to be the exception to the statistics, well you're not.  You will fail because statistics show you will fail and you are deluding yourself to think you can beat the statistics.

While I understand the frustration of this person, I also felt incredible sad for her.  She has given up hope and even more dangerously has written a blog to spell out why morbidly obese and super morbidly obese people don't stand a chance.  She said at a certain point a person's body just refuses to lose more weight and people get tired of doing the same thing and not getting different results so they quit.

What I have seen from my own observation of weight loss methods is that most methods work, if you stick to them.  You can't lie your way to weight loss - I know, I've tried.  Come on, you know what I'm talking about. 

Honestly, I have no idea why I didn't lose any weight this week!  But secretly you know you didn't do what needed to be done. 

Weight loss is hard work.  When I set out to lose weight I wanted to keep it off.  I've become a statistic.  I've lost 100 pounds and I regained 89 of those pounds but it's taken me 2 years to do it.  I also know why.  I went back to my old ways.  Using food for the wrong reason.  I started eating like crap again.  I stopped caring about the reasons I wanted to be healthy and fit, but the one thing I was never able to totally do is give up. 

Believe me I thought about it many times.  I know what it took to lose weight the first time.  Now I have to do it all over again.  Then there is the doubt.  I gained it back the first time, what makes this any different?

Well, for one thing, no matter how many times people preached it has to be a lifestyle change my brain never quite embraced that.  It was all about weight loss and the number on the scale.  I've often wondered why.  I've decided it is because the number on the scale is the easiest thing to focus on.  It's hard to admit our short comings and areas we need to improve.  It's easy to get wrapped up in the emotions that come along with doubt and not believing in myself.

This is why I've worked on designing something that could counter act the emotions of weight loss.  I know that there are things I need to focus on to be where I want to be.  I still believe that when I can consistently do these things, it will lead to weight loss.

I'm making improvements.  I've went from 21.02% the week of 7-7-14 to 026.74% the week of 8-4-14

I'll admit looking for the statistics on failure would normally give me a reason to give up and go back to eating unhealthy but in honoring my commitment to my transformation journey, I'm able to see past the statistics.  Yes, the odds aren't good, but I do not believe that it is because there is something fundamentally wrong with my genetic makeup that is keeping me overweight.  I know for myself, I'm afraid to fail or that I'm failing.  I'm a perfectionist so I tend to freak out at the first hint that something might not be going right.  My brain wants to abandon ship and not risk failing but that is precisely why I failed in the past.  I'd start doubting myself and then it would be all down hill from there. 

I've made a commitment not to give up.  I made a commitment to face my doubt and do it anyway.  That is the only way I'm going to transform my life.  I am determined not be become another statistic.

Injuries, Setbacks, and...Transformation?

Injuries and setbacks seem to have become a way of life for me.  Interestingly enough my knee stopped hurting but now doesn't feel right.  I've tried to do a little bit of exercising this week and it went okay but I'm really understanding how the excess weight is effecting my recovery. 

I've become so used to being able to workout to lose weight.  It's also my stress relief but what do I do when I've been laid up for 10 weeks now.  To be perfectly honest I'd normally feel sorry for myself.  You know what?!  Feeling sorry for myself is why I'm in this situation. 

I feel like this is happening for a reason.  I've felt for a very long time now that getting my nutrition under control is going to be the key to my losing weight and keeping it off.  The problem is working out distracts me.  It's fun and it allows me to forget about the nutrition aspect of weight loss.  The problem is my body keeps breaking down.  Right now I can't do basic things, such as walking or riding a bike. 

You know how in the scriptures it talks a lot about people needing to be humbled to not only hear but listen?  I feel like this is what is happening with me. I hear the promptings to focus on the nutrition and I choose to ignore it.  Slowly everything that I love to do is being taken away.  It's a painful process physically and mentally.  Physically for obvious reasons. Mentally because I know I've done this to myself and I continue to do this to myself.

So then the question becomes what am I going to do about it?  Do I continue to feel sorry for myself?  No, not this time. 

I came up with a transformation agreement.

 

The original agreement is signed and dated.  It reminds me of what I want for my life and what I'm committed to.  One of those things is embracing physical challenges.  I won't dwell on what I can not do.  I'm going to focus on this things I can do, such as swimming and preparing healthy meals. 

 

I'm going to focus on the action steps I have developed that I believe will lead me to the transformation that I want.

 



My goal and what I'm saying will be transformation is to do these things within 80%.  It's not enough to hit 80% once.  I want a lasting transformation so I'm saying that I will have a true transformation when I hit 80% week after week without fail for 6 months. 

I've decided to accept where I'm at and not try to fight it or resist it.  I'll be honest with you I started at 21.02% the week of July 7, 2014.  I'm not going to put a label on what this means, I'm just going to accept that it is what it is.  We all have to start somewhere.  I tend to be a perfectionist so my goal isn't about being perfect and hitting the percentage right away, it's about continually improving so when I finally get to 80% I'll be able to sustain at least that percentage for the rest of my life. 

You might be wondering about the possible points I assigned to things.  Overall I picked the key things that I believe I need to do to truly transform my life.  I assigned a higher weight to those items that I really struggle with that I think are absolutely necessary to the transformation I want.

I choose to focus on what I can do.  If physical activity is out right now that is okay.  I believe that is what needs to happen right now.  If I'm being honest with myself I already knew that weight loss comes mostly from what I eat not from working out.  Don't get me wrong I think the working out is absolutely necessary to be fit and healthy but not absolutely necessary to lose weight. 

This is what I'm up to. How about you?