I wish there was a switch that I could flip that would make everything better. I feel like a failure because I haven't been able to overcome my sabotaging tendencies. Patrick is frustrated that I still have the same issues over and over again and I don't blame him. When I saw my counselor the other day I asked how I can fix the one thing that never really goes away - I don't like myself and I feel unworthy to breath air sometimes let alone have or do anything good. I felt really good about the weight I had lost and then the anger set in. I wouldn't have had to lose the weight if I would have been a stronger person. I made choices. I chose to believe that I was unlovable, worthless, stupid and now those choices are ingrained in me. I feel like if I were a stronger person this would not have happened. Someone once told me that our minds and bodies will do whatever it takes to survive. She said that I did the best I could with the tools that I had and that my choices were not made in a vacuum. I wasn't willing to hear that then, but I believe that is true.
So, how do I change what I believe to be true about myself? The counselor said I have to start retraining my brain because it will believe anything we tell it. I was giving an assignment to start doing disputations. Basically when I have these negative beliefs pop into my held I'm supposed to write it down on a piece of paper and then I'm supposed to dispute why that is not true. We worked on I'm unworthy. I had to come up with 10 reason I am worthy. Yeah, I had trouble coming up with one. She said once the thought comes into my head I'm supposed to read the reasons that's not true until the thought passes. She said it will be uncomfortable, I won't believe it, but it will start retraining my brain to think differently about myself.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
What I've learned
I believe weight loss comes from being persistent, being emotional strong, and most importantly being spiritually strong. Sure, you have to eat right and exercise but, a lot of times, it's the stuff that goes on in our head that stops us from doing those things. "I can't do it." "It's too hard." "I'm not strong enough."...The true is that you are strong enough to do anything if your mind is in the right place. To lose weight you have to be all in. This doesn't mean that you won't have moments of weakness, it just means that when those weak moments happen you aren't going to quit. You may go backwards, you may stall, but you know it's only a set back and soon you will be back on it. I believe it is in these times where I have the most growth. These are the times I hate but these are the times I need.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Owning My Choices
I'm just getting back on track after having being on a two week binge. I was off track for three weeks but thankfully only two of those week's were a full on binge because I'd hate to see the scale damage had it been a full 3 week binge. It took my 6 weeks to lose 21 pounds and only a little over two weeks to gain 14 of those pounds back. I've been thinking a lot about what the counselor said about having to own my choices. She said that if I'm going to eat something I need to own it and right it down. I've been fairly good about that except when it comes to binges. I'm tired of sabotaging myself. People ask what a binge is and I give them the, it's not so bad, short version, but it is that bad. I want this binge to be the last and it's nagging at me that I am making it easy for myself to continue to do this because I don't own it. I don't believe the binge would have lasted as long as it did had I done what the counselor suggested a year ago and own my choices by writing them down.
So, I'm going to own my choices now and tell you all what a two week binge looks like. The first week was bad enough but as time went on it became much, much worse. 33 cookies at 230 calories each, 4 pieces of cake, 2 cupcakes, 1 piece of cheese cake, 9 candy bars, 6 frozen yogurts, 2 cups of ice cream, 8 tacos, 2 chicken quesadillas, 2 supreme nachos, 1 movie nacho, 4 servings of chow mien, 2 servings of pork fried rice, 4 servings of orange chicken, 4 egg rolls, 3 orders of french fries, 6 six inch spicy italian subs, 1 bag of cheese popcorn, and 1 medium pizza. I know this isn't all that I ate but it is all that I remember.
You don't have to tell me how horrible this is, I know. The thing is, I feel like I can do it because nobody knows about it and if nobody knows about it, I can hide behind the secrecy. Most of those 14 pounds must be water weight right? Wrong! Well, now I don't have the comfort of nobody knowing to hide behind anymore. If I say I binged you all will know exactly what that means. I want this binge to be the last binge I ever have.
So, I'm going to own my choices now and tell you all what a two week binge looks like. The first week was bad enough but as time went on it became much, much worse. 33 cookies at 230 calories each, 4 pieces of cake, 2 cupcakes, 1 piece of cheese cake, 9 candy bars, 6 frozen yogurts, 2 cups of ice cream, 8 tacos, 2 chicken quesadillas, 2 supreme nachos, 1 movie nacho, 4 servings of chow mien, 2 servings of pork fried rice, 4 servings of orange chicken, 4 egg rolls, 3 orders of french fries, 6 six inch spicy italian subs, 1 bag of cheese popcorn, and 1 medium pizza. I know this isn't all that I ate but it is all that I remember.
You don't have to tell me how horrible this is, I know. The thing is, I feel like I can do it because nobody knows about it and if nobody knows about it, I can hide behind the secrecy. Most of those 14 pounds must be water weight right? Wrong! Well, now I don't have the comfort of nobody knowing to hide behind anymore. If I say I binged you all will know exactly what that means. I want this binge to be the last binge I ever have.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Out with the old and in with the new
My blog was a little too dark and boring so I decided it needed a makeover. Orange is not my favorite color but for some reason I associate it with happy, so orange it is! Why is it that I have the song 'Shiny Happy People' in my head?! R.E.M - Shiny Happy People Any who, so what do you think? Did I succeed in making my blog a happy blog?.... Well, that would be by appearance only of course. The content depends on the day. Today is fluff and stuff.
The blog makeover is kind of like my mood. I'm ready for change. Okay, it is not lost on me that I've been all about change this last year, but life is too serious and I need to change that. I'm ready for some fun! I'm considering going to San Diego with people I've never met before. That is always an adventure. I've met some awesome people that way. I really should go to Los Angeles in July if I go to California because some of my favorite people will be there. Although Los Angeles is not change. Been there, done that but at least it is fun. Decisions, decisions.
The blog makeover is kind of like my mood. I'm ready for change. Okay, it is not lost on me that I've been all about change this last year, but life is too serious and I need to change that. I'm ready for some fun! I'm considering going to San Diego with people I've never met before. That is always an adventure. I've met some awesome people that way. I really should go to Los Angeles in July if I go to California because some of my favorite people will be there. Although Los Angeles is not change. Been there, done that but at least it is fun. Decisions, decisions.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Out of Sorts
Change is so hard. I think I'm feeling a little insecure right now with where I fit. I'm not who I was a year ago but I'm still in a transition so I feel like I don't really fit anywhere. I'm trying to be patient and let things happen the way they are meant to happen and not try to force the issue. It's been a challenge because I want to get to where I'm going without taking the steps I need to get there. I know it doesn't work that way but it doesn't make the wait any easier.
I'm also feeling out of sorts because I'm still battling self worth issues. I was doing so good and then my sister freaked out because my grandpa has cancer and attacked me. She says that I've abandoned my grandpa and that I'd probably be happy if he were dead among a lot of other things. I tried to reason with her. I tried to be nice. I didn't react back but in the end for my own sanity I had to tell her to stop contacting me.
I think I make it okay for other people to treat me like crap by taking it out on myself. I don't know if that makes sense. Yes, of course I was ticked at my sister when she began spouting this stuff but I got over being angry at her just not the opinion behind the words. I make excuses for her. She is just doing what she learned. Grandpa would lash out when he was frustrated and say mean things. It doesn't make it right but I can't judge her for it. This issue with my sister pretty much pushed the self preservation button I have. Things have been going so well but in an instant I remembered how people can be and now I don't want to be around people. It's a lot of drama I don't want or need.
My self worth issue is also why I don't know where I fit. I've always believed that life isn't about what you have or what you do but rather it's about the relationships you have. I never fit with my family. A few years back I decided I need to stop the dyfunction. I love my family but I won't live like that anymore. The problem is I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just kind of here and I don't know what to do with that. I feel like I lack purpose.
I'm also feeling out of sorts because I'm still battling self worth issues. I was doing so good and then my sister freaked out because my grandpa has cancer and attacked me. She says that I've abandoned my grandpa and that I'd probably be happy if he were dead among a lot of other things. I tried to reason with her. I tried to be nice. I didn't react back but in the end for my own sanity I had to tell her to stop contacting me.
I think I make it okay for other people to treat me like crap by taking it out on myself. I don't know if that makes sense. Yes, of course I was ticked at my sister when she began spouting this stuff but I got over being angry at her just not the opinion behind the words. I make excuses for her. She is just doing what she learned. Grandpa would lash out when he was frustrated and say mean things. It doesn't make it right but I can't judge her for it. This issue with my sister pretty much pushed the self preservation button I have. Things have been going so well but in an instant I remembered how people can be and now I don't want to be around people. It's a lot of drama I don't want or need.
My self worth issue is also why I don't know where I fit. I've always believed that life isn't about what you have or what you do but rather it's about the relationships you have. I never fit with my family. A few years back I decided I need to stop the dyfunction. I love my family but I won't live like that anymore. The problem is I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just kind of here and I don't know what to do with that. I feel like I lack purpose.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Act or Be Acted Upon
It is easy for me to build up a resistance to God. I start doubting. I start having troubling praying. I no longer feel that peace and calmness I once felt. I just started reading a book by David A Bednar called 'Increase in Learning Spiritual patterns for obtaining you own answers'. So far it is a good book. I think it is helping me with some of my resistance. It is helping me remember why I believed in the first place. He speaks over and over again about how we are supposed to act and not merely be acted upon. Just hearing those words I kind of knew what they meant but not well enough to put it into words so I looked up what it means to be acted upon. The best description I found was to act means to be proactive and to be acted upon means to be reactive. That made a lot of sense to me.
Please bear with me because I have a habit of pointing out seemingly random thoughts and then going back and putting them together. In the DVD section 11 Elder Bednar answered how a couple can teach their children. He said it's not a parents job to teach your children but rather teach them to understand. After listening to his entire response I thought it was interesting that he said that a parents job is to teach them to understand because in the next sentence he says that ultimately you can't teach them to understand in the context that the word understand is being used. In this context to understand is not merely a mental understanding but also an understanding in the heart and only the Holy Ghost can bring this kind of understanding. To me it would have been better for him to say a parents job is to teach their children how to understand. He says, that "parents need to create a home where the Holy Ghost is present and can be the teacher and confirm the truthfulness of what your children come to know so they will begin to understand."
This I can understand because this is how I came to believe in the LDS church in the first place. It has never mattered what anyone said about God. I have always had the ability to read the scriptures and understand what was being said. I haven't always had the ability to understand with my heart and I know that is why I couldn't believe. Elder Bednar is right, nobody can teach you that kind of understand. It would be easier if they could but life isn't meant to be easy. I came to understand the truth through the Holy Ghost. It felt true in my heart, but I had to do a lot of seeking to get that answer. It wasn't enough to just read. I had to ask over and over again. This it made me think of all of the other church's I went to over the years. Not one of them said know for yourself. I heard a lot of believe what I believe because it is the truth. I couldn't believe just because someone told me it was the truth. I had to believe it because "I" knew that was true.
I feel like I am losing my way. I have felt like I am drowning and struggling to stop it. I think reading this book will help me. I'm not good at doing the basic things like reading the scriptures and praying. I'm usually very good at going to church and going to activities. In short I've been good about being acted upon instead of acting. I think that is why I'm struggling. I haven't felt the presence of the Holy Ghost with me. I haven't been able to continue to learn and grow because I've stopped acting.
Please bear with me because I have a habit of pointing out seemingly random thoughts and then going back and putting them together. In the DVD section 11 Elder Bednar answered how a couple can teach their children. He said it's not a parents job to teach your children but rather teach them to understand. After listening to his entire response I thought it was interesting that he said that a parents job is to teach them to understand because in the next sentence he says that ultimately you can't teach them to understand in the context that the word understand is being used. In this context to understand is not merely a mental understanding but also an understanding in the heart and only the Holy Ghost can bring this kind of understanding. To me it would have been better for him to say a parents job is to teach their children how to understand. He says, that "parents need to create a home where the Holy Ghost is present and can be the teacher and confirm the truthfulness of what your children come to know so they will begin to understand."
This I can understand because this is how I came to believe in the LDS church in the first place. It has never mattered what anyone said about God. I have always had the ability to read the scriptures and understand what was being said. I haven't always had the ability to understand with my heart and I know that is why I couldn't believe. Elder Bednar is right, nobody can teach you that kind of understand. It would be easier if they could but life isn't meant to be easy. I came to understand the truth through the Holy Ghost. It felt true in my heart, but I had to do a lot of seeking to get that answer. It wasn't enough to just read. I had to ask over and over again. This it made me think of all of the other church's I went to over the years. Not one of them said know for yourself. I heard a lot of believe what I believe because it is the truth. I couldn't believe just because someone told me it was the truth. I had to believe it because "I" knew that was true.
I feel like I am losing my way. I have felt like I am drowning and struggling to stop it. I think reading this book will help me. I'm not good at doing the basic things like reading the scriptures and praying. I'm usually very good at going to church and going to activities. In short I've been good about being acted upon instead of acting. I think that is why I'm struggling. I haven't felt the presence of the Holy Ghost with me. I haven't been able to continue to learn and grow because I've stopped acting.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
The Words I Would Say
My grandpa told me yesterday he has officially been diagnosed with cancer. I'm not sure what that means for him and won't know until he has surgery. What I do know is that the cancer has spread from where it originally started and generally that is not a good thing. I don't want to over think what this may mean. One step at a time seems to work well for me so why change that now. This has however got me thinking about all of the things left unsaid. My grandpa is going to be 79 years old in a few months and nobody lives forever. This made me think of a song by the Sidewalk Prophets called "Words I Would Say". I've never been good a communicating. I have things that I'd like to say and often times I am frustrated because I can't just open my mouth and speak. Part of the reason is I don't like to hurt people and the other part is that it hurts to be rejected.
My dad once asked me what he did wrong and why all of his kids abandoned him. Why he was treated like such an a-hole. My response to him was that my grandpa did far more damage than he ever did but at least my grandpa showed up. The truth is my dad disappeared for months on end. No visits, no phone calls so it's hard to have an attachment to someone that I barely know. It was that conversation that helped me realize that my dad was never a dad. He was a dad in name only. I had always wanted him to care and I think he does but he just doesn't know how to be a father. It was easier for him to walk away then to figure it out. It was also that conversation that helped me see I do have a dad, I just call him grandpa. It's true that grandpa did far more damage than my dad ever did but it is also true that I love him anyway.
I never told my grandma and my mom what I needed to say before they died and I will have to live with that regret for the rest of my life. The truth is I'd like to tell my grandpa how I feel, but I don't know that I have the courage to. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want it to seem like I'm whining. I'm not, it's just I don't believe anyone can truly really know who you are if you never let them in. If I had the courage to tell my grandpa my thoughts these are the words I would say: First, I am sorry. I resented having to live with you. I wanted to live with my dad. I understand that the last thing you expected when Mary and I moved in with you and grandma was for grandma to die and leave you to raise us alone. I realize that was probably very overwhelming for you and you probably felt like you were in over your head. It took me a long time to accept that you actual do love me. Grandma actually helped me with that because I remember she used to say all the time, "actions speak louder than words". Your words were abusive. Part of me can't forgive myself for letting your words make me believe that I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable. You used to say over and over again that the only reason I was there was because nobody wanted me. I never wanted to be your burden so I tried so hard to stay out of your way so you wouldn't have to be bothered with me. I never quite managed to do that though.
I don't understand why it was so easy for you to decide I was stupid. Do you know that Jeff feels guilty because he and Mary used to laugh at me and call me stupid? He said that he believed that because that is what you and grandma used to say all the time. He said he didn't realize that it wasn't true until he actually got to know me in high school. When I was talking to Silvia the last time I was in Ohio she asked me what I was up to and I told her that I had graduated from college and was doing accounting. Her response was, "YOU went to college?!" Did you realize people believed you and grandma when you told them how stupid I was? Did you care?
For a very long time I too believed you when you called me stupid. I believe you when you said nobody wanted me. I believed that I was nothing but a stupid waste of space -- your burden and my parent's regret. No, you never said those words but that is how you made me feel. At some point my stubborn nature kicked in because I decided you weren't going to tell me what I was capable of. I always feared that you were right but what drove me was my need to prove you wrong. Slowly my grades started improving and that gave me hope that maybe I wasn't as stupid as you thought I was.
Despite the words you said I can accept that you loved me because as grandma said actions speak louder than words. You may have resented having to raise your grand kids but you did it anyway. I remember after my dad once again disappointed me you said you didn't understand why I let him hurt me over and over again. The truth is I did it because I just wanted him to care. I didn't think you did and he did sometimes. As much as you yelled about the only reason I was living with you was because nobody else wanted me, I also saw that you were happy I was home after being gone all summer, every summer - even if you'd never admit it. It was easy to forgive you for hurting me because I do believe you are a good person. At some point I chose to accept that the words you said were the truth. I wish I would have been a stronger person but I can't blame you for what I chose to believe.
Mary is upset that I don't spend more time with you. I can accept that you care and you love me but I don't think you like me very much. I do think you have a low opinion of me and I know I didn't do anything to deserve it. I can accept that you have your own issues.
It's funny people want to make assumptions about what I care about but really if they knew me at all they would know material things don't matter to me. Yes, you'd buy me practically anything I wanted but money couldn't buy the only thing I ever wanted - to feel like I belonged somewhere. That is why I chose to move to Kentucky my sophomore year of college, not because you bought Mary a stupid car. I just didn't want to feel like I was alone in this world. Unfortunately dad ended up doing what he does best - he left AGAIN. You never said, "I told you so", you just said I could come home. I don't believe my dad when he says that he loves me because his actions don't support his words. Your actions are why I can accept that you do love me even though you have never said those words and the words you did say said otherwise.
The truth is you did hurt me but I forgave you. The truth is I love you and I am grateful to you for teaching me to be a person who has integrity. I know that you would help anyone if it is in your power to do so because you care. I know that you are an amazing person. I know that you have a great sense of humor. I know you are the type of person I want to be - only with better communication skills.
I'm trying not to over think what comes next with my grandpa. Cancer is a scary word. When my grandma was diagnosed with leukemia I didn't know what to expect. I was only 10 years old when she was diagnosed and it was never a real possibility to me that she would die even though the doctor said typically people with her type of leukemia only lived for 4 years. 4 years is all she had. Even when she went into the hospital for the last time, I still thought she'd come home. She always had before. When she was diagnosed, I never could have imagined the pain and suffering she went through in those 4 years. I never thought I'd sit there and watch as she begged God to take her because she was in so much pain. I wouldn't wish the way my grandma died on anyone. My sister says I'm sticking my head in the sand and ignoring what is happening with my grandpa. I'm not stupid I know what this could mean but I also won't go to worst case scenario. Right now we don't know what this means for my grandpa. We won't know until he has his surgery and the doctor takes a look. The only thing I can do right now is pray to Heavenly Father that he watches over my grandpa and brings him comfort and peace.
My dad once asked me what he did wrong and why all of his kids abandoned him. Why he was treated like such an a-hole. My response to him was that my grandpa did far more damage than he ever did but at least my grandpa showed up. The truth is my dad disappeared for months on end. No visits, no phone calls so it's hard to have an attachment to someone that I barely know. It was that conversation that helped me realize that my dad was never a dad. He was a dad in name only. I had always wanted him to care and I think he does but he just doesn't know how to be a father. It was easier for him to walk away then to figure it out. It was also that conversation that helped me see I do have a dad, I just call him grandpa. It's true that grandpa did far more damage than my dad ever did but it is also true that I love him anyway.
I never told my grandma and my mom what I needed to say before they died and I will have to live with that regret for the rest of my life. The truth is I'd like to tell my grandpa how I feel, but I don't know that I have the courage to. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want it to seem like I'm whining. I'm not, it's just I don't believe anyone can truly really know who you are if you never let them in. If I had the courage to tell my grandpa my thoughts these are the words I would say: First, I am sorry. I resented having to live with you. I wanted to live with my dad. I understand that the last thing you expected when Mary and I moved in with you and grandma was for grandma to die and leave you to raise us alone. I realize that was probably very overwhelming for you and you probably felt like you were in over your head. It took me a long time to accept that you actual do love me. Grandma actually helped me with that because I remember she used to say all the time, "actions speak louder than words". Your words were abusive. Part of me can't forgive myself for letting your words make me believe that I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable. You used to say over and over again that the only reason I was there was because nobody wanted me. I never wanted to be your burden so I tried so hard to stay out of your way so you wouldn't have to be bothered with me. I never quite managed to do that though.
I don't understand why it was so easy for you to decide I was stupid. Do you know that Jeff feels guilty because he and Mary used to laugh at me and call me stupid? He said that he believed that because that is what you and grandma used to say all the time. He said he didn't realize that it wasn't true until he actually got to know me in high school. When I was talking to Silvia the last time I was in Ohio she asked me what I was up to and I told her that I had graduated from college and was doing accounting. Her response was, "YOU went to college?!" Did you realize people believed you and grandma when you told them how stupid I was? Did you care?
For a very long time I too believed you when you called me stupid. I believe you when you said nobody wanted me. I believed that I was nothing but a stupid waste of space -- your burden and my parent's regret. No, you never said those words but that is how you made me feel. At some point my stubborn nature kicked in because I decided you weren't going to tell me what I was capable of. I always feared that you were right but what drove me was my need to prove you wrong. Slowly my grades started improving and that gave me hope that maybe I wasn't as stupid as you thought I was.
Despite the words you said I can accept that you loved me because as grandma said actions speak louder than words. You may have resented having to raise your grand kids but you did it anyway. I remember after my dad once again disappointed me you said you didn't understand why I let him hurt me over and over again. The truth is I did it because I just wanted him to care. I didn't think you did and he did sometimes. As much as you yelled about the only reason I was living with you was because nobody else wanted me, I also saw that you were happy I was home after being gone all summer, every summer - even if you'd never admit it. It was easy to forgive you for hurting me because I do believe you are a good person. At some point I chose to accept that the words you said were the truth. I wish I would have been a stronger person but I can't blame you for what I chose to believe.
Mary is upset that I don't spend more time with you. I can accept that you care and you love me but I don't think you like me very much. I do think you have a low opinion of me and I know I didn't do anything to deserve it. I can accept that you have your own issues.
It's funny people want to make assumptions about what I care about but really if they knew me at all they would know material things don't matter to me. Yes, you'd buy me practically anything I wanted but money couldn't buy the only thing I ever wanted - to feel like I belonged somewhere. That is why I chose to move to Kentucky my sophomore year of college, not because you bought Mary a stupid car. I just didn't want to feel like I was alone in this world. Unfortunately dad ended up doing what he does best - he left AGAIN. You never said, "I told you so", you just said I could come home. I don't believe my dad when he says that he loves me because his actions don't support his words. Your actions are why I can accept that you do love me even though you have never said those words and the words you did say said otherwise.
The truth is you did hurt me but I forgave you. The truth is I love you and I am grateful to you for teaching me to be a person who has integrity. I know that you would help anyone if it is in your power to do so because you care. I know that you are an amazing person. I know that you have a great sense of humor. I know you are the type of person I want to be - only with better communication skills.
I'm trying not to over think what comes next with my grandpa. Cancer is a scary word. When my grandma was diagnosed with leukemia I didn't know what to expect. I was only 10 years old when she was diagnosed and it was never a real possibility to me that she would die even though the doctor said typically people with her type of leukemia only lived for 4 years. 4 years is all she had. Even when she went into the hospital for the last time, I still thought she'd come home. She always had before. When she was diagnosed, I never could have imagined the pain and suffering she went through in those 4 years. I never thought I'd sit there and watch as she begged God to take her because she was in so much pain. I wouldn't wish the way my grandma died on anyone. My sister says I'm sticking my head in the sand and ignoring what is happening with my grandpa. I'm not stupid I know what this could mean but I also won't go to worst case scenario. Right now we don't know what this means for my grandpa. We won't know until he has his surgery and the doctor takes a look. The only thing I can do right now is pray to Heavenly Father that he watches over my grandpa and brings him comfort and peace.
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