Things are always better in the morning! I'm ready to start the day leaving the feelings of overwhelment behind.
Today, March 9th 2015, would have been my mom's 57th birthday. It's crazy how my I miss her now than I missed her when she was alive.
When she was alive I didn't really consider her all at. She was the woman I was told didn't want me. Why would I care about someone who didn't care about me?
As I discussed in a previous post, her leaving was a huge moment in my life. I wanted her to have a better life so I didn't beg her to stay. It crushed me watching her drive away so much so that I had to kill part of my soul to deal with it.
That was the day I decided I would never cry for her again. It's also the day I turned my back on God.
I had to kill my feelings because the pain of losing my mom would have swallowed me whole.
I didn't find out until recently that what I was told about her wasn't true. Shocking that someone would lie right? A lot of someone's actually.
It was easy for me to accept that vision of her. She had to be a heartless bitch to walk away from her children right?
The truth is she made some mistakes. Nothing that couldn't have been fixed. However, my dad took custody away from her. I can't blame him for that. He was doing what he thought was best at the time. I blamed her for not fighting for me.
It was easy to let that go when I found out her family said they'd testify for my dad if she tried to fight it. When I was told that it was like a slap in the face.
Yeah, I got it. I spent 30+ years feeling like I didn't deserve to be alive because of the family dynamic. I could only imagine what that was like for her.
I could have chosen to be angry that she knew what it was like to be in that situation and left me anyway but I felt relieved that she got out.
What I didn't know then is I was strong enough to handle the situation. Even though I turned my back on God, he never turned his back on me.
Being told how stupid I was and fat and that nobody wanted me beat me down but I always had my Heavenly Father on my side. I believed that I was as stupid I was told I was, but something inside me said, "no your not". 99% of me believed the lies but that 1% of me that said that's not true had the strength to prove everyone wrong.
Like I said for the first 30+ years of my life I felt that I didn't deserve to live. How you misinterpret, "you are only here because nobody wants you"? In my mind as a child it had to be true because the people who said it wouldn't lie to me.
Even though I believed nobody wanted me, I also had this unwavering belief that there was a purpose for my life. That belief was strong enough to carry me through the times when everything else in me wanted to give up.
I've also had an annoying capacity to forgive. I was given the gift of empathy. I can look past the actions of a person and see their heart. When I see my family I see good people. Broke people, but good people.
I think that this was what made it so easy to hate myself. I've always seen my family as good, decent people who would help anyone. That is who they were. If that was who they were, I had to be a horrible person for them to not want me right?
What my child brain didn't understand is that those two things don't have to go together. They can be awesome people who were/are broken in their own ways and that had/has nothing to do with me.
I didn't get until a few months ago that Heavely Father is the reason I'm still here. Those things that helped me through the hopelessness I felt were not things anyone was telling me but I knew without a doubt was true. I never understood where it came from but I knew it was there.
It's because of Heavenly Father that I can think of my family members today and feel how much I love each of them. They are good people and I would defend them against anyone who judged them by their brokenness.
I'm incredibly grateful for the life that I have. Yes, I still wish for that family connection but I wouldn't change what has happened in my life.
I still don't understand why things were the way they were. I do know that I needed to go through what I did for a reason and that Heavenly Father knew I was strong enough to handle it.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Just Another Day
I really don't feel like writing today but I want to honor my commitment. Today was another good day. I got up and cooked. There was no resistance it just was something I said I would do and did it.
I go back to the cardiologist tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed with this hole I find myself in.
I'm tired. Sometimes I think death would be kinder. All I want to do is not think or feel. I have to wonder why this struggle? The food addiction is part of the struggle but what I'm referring to is why is my struggle to be alone. And most of the time it's not my struggle. I'm also grateful to be alone. People are hard for me to understand. Never get too close.
So tired.
I go back to the cardiologist tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed with this hole I find myself in.
I'm tired. Sometimes I think death would be kinder. All I want to do is not think or feel. I have to wonder why this struggle? The food addiction is part of the struggle but what I'm referring to is why is my struggle to be alone. And most of the time it's not my struggle. I'm also grateful to be alone. People are hard for me to understand. Never get too close.
So tired.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Shock to the System
My brain seems to have a hard time comprehending my way of being these last few days. I've had this feeling before but it's usually when things change in an instant and not in a good way.
I had this feeling for almost a year after my grandpa died. I'd be fine and then all the sudden my brain would go spastic and not comprehend how my grandpa could be diagnosed with cancer and die less than two months later.
I understand why my brain was struggling with that situation. It was a shock to my system but this is not a situation anywhere close to being traumatic but it feels like my brain it's treating it as traumatic. My relationship with food has, for the most part, been a struggle. There are rarely good feelings when I think of food. I think of food and I see my greatest struggle. BUT today I have felt at peace. I have felt this particular sense of calm in my life. My brain recognizes it and it's in fight or flight mode. It's as if my brain is preparing me for the other shoe to drop.
The last time I had this sense of calm was in 2011 when I was losing weight and food was in its proper place. I didn't feel tempted by bad things, however I could not, no matter how much I wanted to, stay in the calmness. I was always preparing for the worst. "You're going to screw up, you always do." It would wear on me and the thing I feared came to be.
I did that because I couldn't accept that everything was okay. It scares me now that I'm not struggling with my choices. I decided I want to live a life of integrity and strengthen my character. This time I'm backing it up with action, AND I've been down this road before, AND I screwed it up.
I know change happens in an instant. I want to trust that this is real, however I know myself. I haven't kept my promises to myself. I don't want to fail yet again.
I read a quote today by Thomas S. Monson that says, "Stick to a task till it sticks to you". I feel like I needed to see this today. I hate doubting myself. I can choose for this day to be a brand new day without all of the baggage but I'm terrified of letting go of my past failures. It's my most likely future if I'm not fighting it right? Ugh. I don't just put a huge amount of pressure on myself for my failures to me but my failures to others.
I'm coaching in a program and in this program were are asked to interview people to find out how they see us. The person I interviewed today said one of my weaknesses is breaking my promise to myself. I get it. It's true. I'm not faulting the statement AND I feel the weight of it.
I feel like I'm fighting who I've been in the past to myself and other people. I'm having a hard time with this. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like even if I succeed in having integrity and strengthening my character people will still see the person I taught them I am. That I will still see the person I dint want to be.
The thing is, I know I'm putting these thoughts on myself. This particular person is pretty go with the flow. Even if he did judge me, he wouldn't tell me. It doesn't matter what's going on for me, the good, bad, or ugly, he supports me. I have a really hard time with that. Sometimes I just want to ask what is wrong with him. Doesn't he get that I'm not worth his time.
I just want to let things be. When I don't feel worthy I tend to push back. I want people to see my unworthiness and see that I'm not worth their time.
And that is what feeds my food addiction.
I had this feeling for almost a year after my grandpa died. I'd be fine and then all the sudden my brain would go spastic and not comprehend how my grandpa could be diagnosed with cancer and die less than two months later.
I understand why my brain was struggling with that situation. It was a shock to my system but this is not a situation anywhere close to being traumatic but it feels like my brain it's treating it as traumatic. My relationship with food has, for the most part, been a struggle. There are rarely good feelings when I think of food. I think of food and I see my greatest struggle. BUT today I have felt at peace. I have felt this particular sense of calm in my life. My brain recognizes it and it's in fight or flight mode. It's as if my brain is preparing me for the other shoe to drop.
The last time I had this sense of calm was in 2011 when I was losing weight and food was in its proper place. I didn't feel tempted by bad things, however I could not, no matter how much I wanted to, stay in the calmness. I was always preparing for the worst. "You're going to screw up, you always do." It would wear on me and the thing I feared came to be.
I did that because I couldn't accept that everything was okay. It scares me now that I'm not struggling with my choices. I decided I want to live a life of integrity and strengthen my character. This time I'm backing it up with action, AND I've been down this road before, AND I screwed it up.
I know change happens in an instant. I want to trust that this is real, however I know myself. I haven't kept my promises to myself. I don't want to fail yet again.
I read a quote today by Thomas S. Monson that says, "Stick to a task till it sticks to you". I feel like I needed to see this today. I hate doubting myself. I can choose for this day to be a brand new day without all of the baggage but I'm terrified of letting go of my past failures. It's my most likely future if I'm not fighting it right? Ugh. I don't just put a huge amount of pressure on myself for my failures to me but my failures to others.
I'm coaching in a program and in this program were are asked to interview people to find out how they see us. The person I interviewed today said one of my weaknesses is breaking my promise to myself. I get it. It's true. I'm not faulting the statement AND I feel the weight of it.
I feel like I'm fighting who I've been in the past to myself and other people. I'm having a hard time with this. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like even if I succeed in having integrity and strengthening my character people will still see the person I taught them I am. That I will still see the person I dint want to be.
The thing is, I know I'm putting these thoughts on myself. This particular person is pretty go with the flow. Even if he did judge me, he wouldn't tell me. It doesn't matter what's going on for me, the good, bad, or ugly, he supports me. I have a really hard time with that. Sometimes I just want to ask what is wrong with him. Doesn't he get that I'm not worth his time.
I just want to let things be. When I don't feel worthy I tend to push back. I want people to see my unworthiness and see that I'm not worth their time.
And that is what feeds my food addiction.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Keeping My Commitment
Day three went well. I was craving chocolate and almost caved but then decided I didn't want it. I seem to have the candy craving every afternoon. That is good to know.
It was also another productive day. I'm oddly in the cleaning mood right now. I think that might be a byproduct of keeping my word. Weird.
Yesterday, I thought I want going to blog everyday however right after I had that thought I saw a Facebook post that changed my mind. I really love the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. I like his Facebook page and its the first time I've ever seen anything posted from that page. It was on how John can to the conclusion that he needed to write in a journal everyday as a form of self discipline.
That makes a lot of sense to me. When I write it helps me be aware of what I'm doing. It also helps me let go of the bad days and give thanks for the good days. I decided I want to make that commitment. This posts counts because even though it's almost 4:30am, I haven't sleep slept get. Like I said it was a productive day. Totally in action today!
It was also another productive day. I'm oddly in the cleaning mood right now. I think that might be a byproduct of keeping my word. Weird.
Yesterday, I thought I want going to blog everyday however right after I had that thought I saw a Facebook post that changed my mind. I really love the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. I like his Facebook page and its the first time I've ever seen anything posted from that page. It was on how John can to the conclusion that he needed to write in a journal everyday as a form of self discipline.
That makes a lot of sense to me. When I write it helps me be aware of what I'm doing. It also helps me let go of the bad days and give thanks for the good days. I decided I want to make that commitment. This posts counts because even though it's almost 4:30am, I haven't sleep slept get. Like I said it was a productive day. Totally in action today!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Day 2: Hell Hath Frozen Over?
I think hell might have frozen over. Yesterday, I was so physical and mentally opposed to food prepping that I had a meltdown over it. Tears, anger, the whole nine yards. I had a headache to end all headaches. It was not pretty but at 11pm I chose to be an adult and food prep. Come to think of it, I acted like a child who was told to clean my room. Yikes, that's embarrassing.
I went to sleep at 2am with food prep done and two more episodes of Grey's Anatomy watched. You would think my day didn't start of good because before I went to sleep I decided there was no way I was going to keep my commitment to go to the gym at 5:30am. That was okay because I actually cooked. That is way more important than the gym.
When I got up I went in the bathroom to get ready for work. I'm looking around and think, "hey I think I'll clean the bathroom". Those that know me know that I don't like cooking or cleaning. Sometimes I wonder if I avoid going home to not feel guilty about this.
Willingly cleaning the bathroom was strange however during the day I thought of all these yummy things I could cook. Remember I had a meltdown just yesterday about cooking and it took me until 11pm to stop whining about it and just get it done.
4pm comes and I'm anxious for the owner of the company I work for to leave so I could go to the GROCERY store and get food for the recipes I want to try. I food prepped yesterday which means I have enough food to last me until Sunday.
Yep, I cooked two days in a row! Today I totally wanted to. It won't go to waste because I now have food in the freezer. Yes, that's right I went from basically throwing a tantrum to willingly cooking.
Oh and then I decided to do laundry AND put it away! Say what?!
Not bad for only being day 2.
I went to sleep at 2am with food prep done and two more episodes of Grey's Anatomy watched. You would think my day didn't start of good because before I went to sleep I decided there was no way I was going to keep my commitment to go to the gym at 5:30am. That was okay because I actually cooked. That is way more important than the gym.
When I got up I went in the bathroom to get ready for work. I'm looking around and think, "hey I think I'll clean the bathroom". Those that know me know that I don't like cooking or cleaning. Sometimes I wonder if I avoid going home to not feel guilty about this.
Willingly cleaning the bathroom was strange however during the day I thought of all these yummy things I could cook. Remember I had a meltdown just yesterday about cooking and it took me until 11pm to stop whining about it and just get it done.
4pm comes and I'm anxious for the owner of the company I work for to leave so I could go to the GROCERY store and get food for the recipes I want to try. I food prepped yesterday which means I have enough food to last me until Sunday.
Yep, I cooked two days in a row! Today I totally wanted to. It won't go to waste because I now have food in the freezer. Yes, that's right I went from basically throwing a tantrum to willingly cooking.
Oh and then I decided to do laundry AND put it away! Say what?!
Not bad for only being day 2.
Day 1
In my last post I told you I'm not the person I want to be. That my addiction to food has taken over my life for far too long. It has encouraged me to be the bad friend who is often the first to say let's go eat bad things. I vowed to do better not only for myself but those around me.
The last few days I've been slowly preparing for today. Today was officially Day 1. You may wonder why today was the day and not yesterday for the day before. It's because I want to be a person of integrity and Monday I knew I wouldn't be home until after 11pm and yesterday I had an appointment after work.
So today was the day. My debit cards are gone so that I am not tempted to go out to eat. My food prepping is under way as promised. All in all a successful day with a minor meltdown and a lot of emotions.
At one point I burst into tears and thought to myself, "this is too hard, I can't do it." I felt so angry. I felt powerless. I felt like this is too big of a task. Though I must say that I'm proud of myself for doing the one thing that I struggle to remember when I'm struggling - I prayed.
It help me to remember to stop thinking about all of the tomorrow's to come. Today is all I have. I was feeling overwhelmed by having to do this day after day. When I feel overwhelmed I want to eat. When I thought about what I had left to do TODAY (grocery shop and food prep), I realized it wasn't too much. I could do that. I did do that!
After I calmed down I felt like a two year old having a temper tantrum. But I also felt how powerful addiction is. I liken it to an all encompassing black hole that I'm drowning in.
I wasn't powerless though. I still did what I said I was going to do. I cooked. I didn't eat fast food. I didn't ask anyone else to eat anything unhealthy. I went grocery shopping. Most importantly I feel like I took some power back.
On to Day 2!
The last few days I've been slowly preparing for today. Today was officially Day 1. You may wonder why today was the day and not yesterday for the day before. It's because I want to be a person of integrity and Monday I knew I wouldn't be home until after 11pm and yesterday I had an appointment after work.
So today was the day. My debit cards are gone so that I am not tempted to go out to eat. My food prepping is under way as promised. All in all a successful day with a minor meltdown and a lot of emotions.
At one point I burst into tears and thought to myself, "this is too hard, I can't do it." I felt so angry. I felt powerless. I felt like this is too big of a task. Though I must say that I'm proud of myself for doing the one thing that I struggle to remember when I'm struggling - I prayed.
It help me to remember to stop thinking about all of the tomorrow's to come. Today is all I have. I was feeling overwhelmed by having to do this day after day. When I feel overwhelmed I want to eat. When I thought about what I had left to do TODAY (grocery shop and food prep), I realized it wasn't too much. I could do that. I did do that!
After I calmed down I felt like a two year old having a temper tantrum. But I also felt how powerful addiction is. I liken it to an all encompassing black hole that I'm drowning in.
I wasn't powerless though. I still did what I said I was going to do. I cooked. I didn't eat fast food. I didn't ask anyone else to eat anything unhealthy. I went grocery shopping. Most importantly I feel like I took some power back.
On to Day 2!
Monday, March 2, 2015
I am an accomplice no more
I'm realizing more and more that I'm not the person I want to be. I've come to accept that I can't do the same shit I've been doing but I've been reluctant to make a change because I'm as guilty as anyone in making bad choices. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I suddenly said don't want to do this anymore.
Our journey is our journey. I'm the type of person who needs to discover things for myself. No matter how many times someone says something I have to get it. Not just in my head but in my heart. Not wanting to be a hypocrite isn't a good reason to stay in a situation I know doesn't work for me. My fear of change isn't either. When we know better, we should make different choices.
I’ve been coaching a program called the Self Expression and Leadership program. In this program we are supposed to interview people in our community. One of the questions that we ask is, “what can you count on me for?” I’ve been stuck on this question. I’ve also been reading about character and integrity. According to dictionary.com ‘character’ is defined as: 1) the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2) One such feature or trait; characteristic. 3) Moral or ethical quality: “a man of fine, honorable character.” 4) Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: “It takes character to face up to a bully.” 5) Reputation 6) Good repute 7) An account of qualities of peculiarities of a person or thing.
Looking at this question alongside of character one thing becomes clear to me: what I can be counted on for to people who are struggling to lose weight is to be an accomplice. I am a person of low character. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be the person who is down to eat crap while saying I want to do things differently. I don’t want to be a person who is afraid to make changes because I don’t want to give up what I know. I don’t want to be beat down by my bad habits and resigned to the same vicious circle for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the person that people can count on to be these things for them.
I want to be a person who is known for being a positive supportive friend who is not willing to be down for the things that keep us stuck. At Landmark we create a possibility for the future. When I decided to coach the Self Expression and Leadership program I created the possibility of courage and living life powerfully. I have felt a shift but I’ve also still been clinging to what I know. I’ve been scared to let go of the ways that hurt me because what I know I need to do seems so hard. I can't live into my possibility unless I let go off the past.
I’ve bought into the things that the people who are trying to help me have been saying but I haven’t had the courage to let go of my bad habits. I can’t be half in and hope to succeed. I need to set up my life to support what I want. What I want is to be free of addiction.
I’ve been getting closer and closer to letting go but I’m scared of change. I’m scared of losing people that are important to me. I’m scared of being the person who is willing to lose the people that are important to be to be free of my addiction. I don’t want to be a bad friend, and be the person who says this doesn’t work for me anymore, when I know I’ve often been the first person to say hey let’s go eat crap. I have awesome friends who don’t judge me and share my struggle. I don’t want to give that up. It’s sad because I don’t want to be a bad friend but this is what makes me a bad friend.
I know the people who share my struggle are also trying to get healthy. A good friend doesn’t stay in the pit with you just because we are in it together. We help each other out of it. I haven’t been helping myself and I certainly haven’t been helping you. My actions say hey we might be down in this pit but at least we got each other. No. I am not willing to do this anymore. I’m sorry that this is the type of friend I’ve been.
The question is what am I willing to do? I think the first step is getting rid of my debit cards. A friend offered to take them last night but I wasn’t willing to part with them. I started getting myself out of the pit before and giving up my debit cards was like a ladder. I’m weak in the face of temptation but when I don’t have the ability to swipe my card I’m a lot more present to what I have to spend. It doesn’t matter that I should be able to have the self-discipline to only use my cards for certain things. What matters is that I know that right now I don’t have that self-discipline. I can either continue to do what isn’t working or try something different.
I’m willing to make a plan at the beginning of every week that includes the days I’m planning on eating out and telling people what my plan is and asking them to hold me accountable. I’m asking for people to not ask me to go out to dinner with them at the last minute. I can have the best of intentions when I go out to eat but the truth is I don’t like “wasting” my money on healthy stuff. I can either continue to pretend that this isn’t the way I think or adjust. I’m made myself wrong for having my tendencies. It’s not wrong. It just is. It is exhausting to fight myself day after day to try to hold onto what doesn’t work. I don’t want to fight myself anymore. I want to do something different.
Our journey is our journey. I'm the type of person who needs to discover things for myself. No matter how many times someone says something I have to get it. Not just in my head but in my heart. Not wanting to be a hypocrite isn't a good reason to stay in a situation I know doesn't work for me. My fear of change isn't either. When we know better, we should make different choices.
I’ve been coaching a program called the Self Expression and Leadership program. In this program we are supposed to interview people in our community. One of the questions that we ask is, “what can you count on me for?” I’ve been stuck on this question. I’ve also been reading about character and integrity. According to dictionary.com ‘character’ is defined as: 1) the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2) One such feature or trait; characteristic. 3) Moral or ethical quality: “a man of fine, honorable character.” 4) Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: “It takes character to face up to a bully.” 5) Reputation 6) Good repute 7) An account of qualities of peculiarities of a person or thing.
Looking at this question alongside of character one thing becomes clear to me: what I can be counted on for to people who are struggling to lose weight is to be an accomplice. I am a person of low character. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be the person who is down to eat crap while saying I want to do things differently. I don’t want to be a person who is afraid to make changes because I don’t want to give up what I know. I don’t want to be beat down by my bad habits and resigned to the same vicious circle for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the person that people can count on to be these things for them.
I want to be a person who is known for being a positive supportive friend who is not willing to be down for the things that keep us stuck. At Landmark we create a possibility for the future. When I decided to coach the Self Expression and Leadership program I created the possibility of courage and living life powerfully. I have felt a shift but I’ve also still been clinging to what I know. I’ve been scared to let go of the ways that hurt me because what I know I need to do seems so hard. I can't live into my possibility unless I let go off the past.
I’ve bought into the things that the people who are trying to help me have been saying but I haven’t had the courage to let go of my bad habits. I can’t be half in and hope to succeed. I need to set up my life to support what I want. What I want is to be free of addiction.
I’ve been getting closer and closer to letting go but I’m scared of change. I’m scared of losing people that are important to me. I’m scared of being the person who is willing to lose the people that are important to be to be free of my addiction. I don’t want to be a bad friend, and be the person who says this doesn’t work for me anymore, when I know I’ve often been the first person to say hey let’s go eat crap. I have awesome friends who don’t judge me and share my struggle. I don’t want to give that up. It’s sad because I don’t want to be a bad friend but this is what makes me a bad friend.
I know the people who share my struggle are also trying to get healthy. A good friend doesn’t stay in the pit with you just because we are in it together. We help each other out of it. I haven’t been helping myself and I certainly haven’t been helping you. My actions say hey we might be down in this pit but at least we got each other. No. I am not willing to do this anymore. I’m sorry that this is the type of friend I’ve been.
The question is what am I willing to do? I think the first step is getting rid of my debit cards. A friend offered to take them last night but I wasn’t willing to part with them. I started getting myself out of the pit before and giving up my debit cards was like a ladder. I’m weak in the face of temptation but when I don’t have the ability to swipe my card I’m a lot more present to what I have to spend. It doesn’t matter that I should be able to have the self-discipline to only use my cards for certain things. What matters is that I know that right now I don’t have that self-discipline. I can either continue to do what isn’t working or try something different.
I’m willing to make a plan at the beginning of every week that includes the days I’m planning on eating out and telling people what my plan is and asking them to hold me accountable. I’m asking for people to not ask me to go out to dinner with them at the last minute. I can have the best of intentions when I go out to eat but the truth is I don’t like “wasting” my money on healthy stuff. I can either continue to pretend that this isn’t the way I think or adjust. I’m made myself wrong for having my tendencies. It’s not wrong. It just is. It is exhausting to fight myself day after day to try to hold onto what doesn’t work. I don’t want to fight myself anymore. I want to do something different.
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