All We Have Is This Moment

I feel inspired to tell you about this program I'm taking called the Landmark Forum.  Going in I wasn't really sure what to expect other than the little bit my life coach and friend Jenn was trying to tell me.  She drew two circles and told me there's what happened and the story about what happened.  What happened was all that happened and the story of what happened didn't actually happen.  (Yeah well why does it feel like it happened?!)  Then she tried to convince me it was a good idea to write an accountability letter to the person in my story.  I wasn't too keen on that idea but agreed.  Oh yeah and then actually read it to him. Psshhh. No. 

Fast forward two months and I walk in to the building the Forum is at a little before 8:30am just like my responsible self was told to do and being the people pleaser that I am, I had to do it.  I walk in the door and look around and notice a whole lot of chairs.  I'm thinking Jenn said she barely saw Richard so we much not be in this room the whole weekend so I decide it's okay. Now here is where you'll need to bare with me.  First I'd like to tell you about my experience of being at the Forum then I will tell you what I learned.

I felt horrified, mislead, and relieved a few hours in when I realized the entire Forum would take place in that room with 142 terrifying strangers.  Horrified needs no explanation.  Mislead because I talked to Jenn. I said I didn't couldn't handle being in a class with people I knew and she led me to believe that I wouldn't even see them.  Relieved because the person I knew that said they were going to be there couldn't actually be there. Phew.  Dodged that bullet.

The first day I was my typical self. After every break I nervously looked for the least scariest person I could sit next to.  At dinner we were encouraged to eat in groups of 3 to 5 people, unless we had a burning desire to eat alone, which yes I did.  We were asked to participate and if it was to go up to the microphone to ask a question or to participate, there was no way I was going to raise my hand.  If a question was asked where we could just raise our hands to indicate the answer, I'd raise my hand - half way.  At the end of the first day I wasn't sure where things were going but I was pretty excited about finding out.

I'm not exactly sure what happened between the end of the first night and the start of the second day but somewhere in that time I lost my fear of participating.  I didn't make that decision it just kind of snuck up on my.  When the coach asked for volunteers to go up and share about the rackets they run I was more than stunned when I realized my hand was in the air.  Not the little half hand raise where you can pretend to participate but still hide your participation.  No, I'm talking all in, full on, hand raised, pick me, participation.  I got picked.  Anyone who knows me might guess my next thought is complete panic but huh? No, a little nervous to be standing in front of 142 strangers but I was fine with it. So it gets to be my turn and I'm explaining to, Jeff, the coach where I'm having trouble with my racket and he asks me who's in your story?  Instantly I got emotional.  I had see it over and over again the day before.  I was thinking, I'd be ready for the questions.  I wouldn't cry in front of all of those people. I gave a vague answer of my family.  Then Jeff asked me to name the 2 or 3 people in my story.  I said my mom, my dad...crap. must. fight. tears....., my grandpa.

Jeff asked what is my story with them.  Okay I regained my composure.  I'm good. My mom left. My dad left....zzzzz pause....My grandpa.....nope, there's no fighting the tears this time....my grandpa would tell me on a regular basis that the only reason I was there was because nobody wanted me.  I heard a couple of people gasp in the room so that made me brave enough to look at who was in the room besides Jeff.  I was surprised I saw a number of people crying.  I don't think I said anything profound or tragic.  It's just my story.  I didn't feel like anyone was judging me. Jeff then coached me through what I decided about that and then yelled it didn't happen.  I figured out my racket with I don't deserve happiness, love, acceptance... if because I can't have a happy successful life because I needed to punish my mom, dad, and grandpa for everything in my story.  My story didn't happen.  What happened, happened and even most of that DID NOT HAPPEN. Okay, okay he's right.  He asked me if I could get a hold of my dad and I said I could track him down. Jeff asked me if I was ready to give up my payoff to be able to a invent a new possibility of being.  I told him that I was.  He gave me an assignment on my break to call my dad. I knew when I told him I'd do it, I would.  I felt a shift.  I felt the possibility.

Before that I was strongly against talking to my dad again.  Not because I didn't love him but because after I talked to him things felt hopeless, like there was so future there.  I wasn't sure how long it would actually take to get a hold of my dad.  I didn't have his number and I didn't know if I could get a hold of someone who had his number. I lucked out and found his old business number still listed online and it had a phone number.  I didn't realize that, that phone number went to a landline but I managed to get through to him.  I told him about the class I was taking and that I realized that I was still blaming him for leaving and that it was effecting every other relationship that I had and I told him that I was sorry for doing that.  He said I didn't need to apologize because he was a bad father. We talked for a little bit and basically left it as I wanted a relationship with him and he wanted a relationship with me and he gave me his cell phone number.  After I hung up on the phone with him I felt it. I felt the space that Jeff was talking about.  For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt that I could invent a possibility for having a new relationship with my dad that wasn't weight down by the past.

I think that was a huge turning point for me because I felt free.  I wasn't afraid to raise my hand and speak. I wasn't afraid of who I sat next to because I might have to talk to them or worrying if they were judging me.  I really got the potential that this program had for my live. 

During the rest of my time in class what I learned from the Landmark Forum is an understanding of what life is and what it is made up of.  Most people live their life past, present, future.  What I learned was that THIS present moment is what I have.  I can have the life that I want if I invent the possibility and what is possible isn't defined by my past.  The possibility I invent can be anything I choose it to be. It isn't past, present, future. It's future (invent the possibility), present (action), past (result of the possibility and action).  You might be wondering how it could take 39 hours over 3 days to learn this.  This isn't a new concept.  I've been told versions of this my entire life.  Here's the thing I learned the first day of class: the purpose of the class wasn't to learn about it as a spectator in the stands watching and acquiring book knowledge.  I was asked to get out of the stands and get on the court in my life.  Every discussion between Jeff and any of the participants wasn't to be watched as an impartial observer of the conversation but as my life.  The stories might have been different but there was always a way to see it as my life.

I was stunned to feel how inauthentic my life has been up until this point.  It's a totally different experience when I'm engaged, seeing, experiencing, doing, being, present in my life. It truly is creating another realm of possibility instead of fixing what's not broken.  What I learned from the program is how to get on the court and be present in my life.  I learned that there is incredible freedom in truly understanding that all I has is this moment. What I do with the next moment is any possibility I invent.  I choose to invent the possibility of being limit less. 

This program really help me know what transformation means.  I knew what it meant from an intellectual stand point but I didn't know in my heart.  Obviously you can't have a complete transformation in 3 days but I do believe that I felt what a transformation is.  I still have to act.  That's not tomorrow, that's not yesterday, that's right now.  When I left there at 10pm three days later I can honestly say I invented a new realm of possibility for my life.

Messages Come From Unexpected Places

I watched a movie over the weekend called 'Home Run'.  I seem to be drawn to the movies where people have to overcome obstacles and this movie was no exception.  Here is the premise of the movie: "Pro baseball player Cory Brand is forced into a rehabilitation program in his Oklahoma hometown after several alcohol-related incidents. He is responsible for injuring his brother in an alcohol-related crash."

In the movie Cory is, at first, in denial that he has a problem.  He's a cocky pro baseball player who thinks he can do whatever he wants.  But you see from the very beginning what drives him.  In the open scene of the movie a young Cory Brand is forced to stand in front of the barn taking pitch after pitch from is drunk father.  You can tell that this happens often because there is a large whole in the barn from the baseballs hitting it.  Every time his dad those a pitch, young Cory flinches and doesn't swing the bat.  He's dad yells at him as he continues to drink. 

Flash forward to Cory a much older pro baseball player.  As he stands waiting for a pitch he flashes back to his youth and we can hear the words his father would say to him.

These type of movies are probably cheesy to most people but I love them.  I love to see people overcome their struggles and get to a better place.  They make me happy. 

I don't know that this movie would have stood out to me enough to warrant a blog post about it if it hadn't been for the ending.  It spoke to me and where I'm at.  At the end Cory stands up in front of a group of people at Celebrate Recovery. It's a Christian based 12 step program.  As he is speaking he tells about the struggles he had to change and how he was powerless to make those changes.  It wasn't until he realized that he was powerless without God that he really was able to conquer his demons and make a true and lasting change. 

I know for myself I feel like I do better when I'm focusing on doing the things that Heavenly Father would want me to do, rather than what I want to do.  I still struggle with trusting Heavenly Father to help me change my life.  Honestly I still struggle with my feelings about Heavenly Father. I don't know how to trust that in the end things will be okay.  What hasn't been my experience.  I think the words that were spoken in the movie touched me because that is what I strive for.  It was just a good reminder of who really does know best and that I need to continue to work on letting go of my need to control everything.

Injuries Equal Brain-death

Most people would agree that I tend to over think things, except apparently when it comes to physical pain.  I often wonder why I can't remember to think farther than what I want to do when I'm physically injured.  Take today for instance.

I haven't been able to do much in the last two weeks because my knee and lower leg have been killing me.  When I woke up I didn't have any pain so brilliant me decided I'd walk to church.  I was almost there when my achilles tendon started tightening up and my knee started hurting. So of course my next thought is 'what was I thinking?! I have to walk home".

I get about a fourth of the way home and I start thinking about how great it would be just to lay on the ground and let the pain subside...but I press on.  About half of the way home I think about how I really felt like crying and not wanting to take one more step...but still I press on.  Every step wondering how it is that I can't think about the consequences of my actions when it comes to my injuries.  I finally make it to my building and look up the stairs and again contemplate stilling on the stairs - just for a little while. Nope, relief is so close that I must press forward.  I open the door and there are obstacles in may way.  Of the moving four legged variety.  It's times like these that I really wish that they love me less. I mean come on!  They just saw me and they act like they haven't seen me in days.

I have relief in my sights and just a few more steps and it takes everything in me to not yell at them to get the heck away from me.  Ah, finally made it!

Injuries stink!  If you've tried to lose weight then you know that injuries come with the territory, however this particular injury is even more grating.  It's not an injury from losing weight, it's an injury from gaining weight.  I believe the internet refers to it as a weekend warrior injury.  If defines it as a person who spends most of the week sitting at a desk job and then decides to get active on the weekends.

Sad to say but, yes that is me. For the longest time I worked out practically every day.  Then I had surgery and I let myself fall back into my old habits.  It was a small slide at first with a valid reason for not working out like I used to.  I was recovering from surgery.  The doctor said to take it easy.  When I got the all clear, I felt how far I had fallen.  Everything was such effort.  I can't blame it all on the surgery because I think the greater pain was being caused from the fact that I gained a lot of weight.

You'd think that would be motivation to get back at it and try to eat healthy and lose weight but you'd be wrong.  It's more like inertia.  The more you stay entrenched in those old habits the more your brain wants to keep you there - even when your brain and body know exactly why that is the dumbest idea ever.  I think my when I get overwhelmed my brain kicks into autopilot and decides it's not going think about it.  Ignorance is bliss!  Well, except for when I get a rude reminder that I am in pain and really should be trying to do better so I can alleviate the pain. 

I'm a very undisciplined person.  Why do I continue to sabotage myself when I'm causing myself physical pain?  I wanted to workout so much that I was willing to endure a whole lot of pain in my foot.  I'd wake up crying because my foot hurt so bad but in the morning I'd get up and do it all over again.  I'd push myself until I'd have to crawl across the floor because I couldn't take one more step.  I thought I had learned my lesson when I needed to have foot surgery because I wouldn't listen and take it easy.   

I'm so quick to give into my temptations when it comes to food but when it comes to being physically active, I continually seek to push myself past the point of tears.  I don't put any thought into it.  I get something in my head that I really want to do and I just do it, consequences be darned.  I don't understand why. Why is it that I feel like I'm being weak by not pushing through physical pain when I that thought doesn't even cross my mind when it comes to giving in to food cravings.

I need to find a healthy balance.  I need to learn to think before I act when it comes to physical things and I need to spend less time thinking about emotional struggles and learn to act.

I can't be the only one with this problem!  Do you have this problem?! 

I Quit! Part 1

I made an important decision this week.  I've decided to stop trying to lose weight!.....Now before you sign me up for the crazy farm here me out.

For months now I've felt like I've been focusing on the wrong things.  A few months back I even decided to take action and design what I felt I should be focusing on.  It worked well - for a while.  Then I started doubting myself and falling back into my old habits of trying to fix where I went wrong with my weight loss.

I was given to great pieces of advise recently.  One by, Patrick, my friend and former weight loss coach and the by Jenn, also my friend and life coach. The focus of this blog post is the advice that Patrick gave me.

First, Patrick told me he thought I should approach the whole weight loss thing like I do my work.  I had to think about that one.  I tend to overwork and my boss says that I need to delegate more.  Basically I'm a control freak.  Ah, but I'm not a control freak anymore.  I'm a recovering control freak.  When I really thought about how to apply weight loss to how I do my job, I'd realized how much I've changed my ways.  There was a time when I needed everything I did at work to be perfect.  My motto was if I want did done right, I need to do it myself.  I'd work an insane amount of hours to make that happen and was really cranky - ask anyone.  One day I realized I couldn't go on like that. I was miserable. I hated my job. I dreaded going into work.  I couldn't be perfect and it made me feel like a failure. I was ready to quit my job.  I'll admit I did try to quit several times but the owner of the company wouldn't let me. 

After I knew quitting wasn't an option I decided make some changes because clearly what I was doing wasn't working.  Instead of trying to work harder and keep that death grip on everything I decided I needed to quit trying so hard.  The truth is the office was way understaffed and there were and are too many things on my plate.  The old me said everything had to be done perfectly and right now.  The new me decided that I only have so many hours in the day and I wasn't going to worry about it anymore.  I work on the highest priority items for the day and get them done. Then I fit in the less important, to do items.  As long as I get the high priority things done I'm good.  I don't stress myself out when I look at a long list because I don't worry about it.  I just take the first must do of the day and I get to work. 

No, I can't devote all of my attention to every single thing that needs to be done but I've learned to do what I can and be okay with that.  Something amazing happened when I started doing this - I actually started being more productive.  I realized I spent a lot of time worrying.  Precious time that could be spent working instead of driving myself crazy.

I tend to obsessively worry in my personal life.  When I really thought about what Patrick said I realized he had a very valid point.  However, the first things I thought about were all the things I do wrong.  I still have trouble delegating.  I still tend to go into fix it mode when I find mistakes others have made instead of teaching them what they did wrong so they correct it. Compared to how I am overall these things aren't that important.  Yes, there are things I'm working on and have to make a conscious effort everyday to do but my general approach to my job has made my life so much easier.

I think the single most important change I made in my job want to stop over thinking things.  I don't spend a lot of time thinking about all of the things I have to do, when they are do, etc.  I just take action.  Yes, when I get to a particular task I will think about the best approach if it's a brain teaser but I don't obsess over it.  If it requires some thought I go on to the next task to give my brain time to formulate a strategy for that particular task.  I have found it works wonders.  I get other things done and soon I have figured out what I need to do for the task I was stuck on.  It's never failed me to get set it aside until I know what I'm going to do instead of forcing myself to sit and beat my head against the wall until I will myself to figure it out and do it before I move on.  So why do I continue to beat my head against the wall when it comes to weight loss? 

I knew I have to do things differently months ago when I designed a new system that mirrors how I handle myself at work.  I didn't realize it at that time but I do know that Patrick suggested I handle my personal life like I do my job.

I've treated my weight loss like the task that I continue to beat my head against the wall until I solve it. Thinking about how to solve it won't solve it.  I need to stop trying so hard.  I need to let go of that death grip I have with it and just relax and take things as they come...which leads me to what I learned from Jenn.  That will be explained in "I Quit part 2". 

Vent

I've been feeling like I don't want to go to church anymore.  No particular reason.  I've just been wanting to keep to myself lately.  Yes, I think I am feeling down.  I have to desire to workout either.  Partly because my leg is really bothering me, partly because all I want to do is sit at home and do nothing. 

I really wasn't feeling like being at church today but I went anyway because I had to teach my primary kids.  It's hard to stay in a bad mood around them.  Technically I didn't teach them about Moses like I was supposed to but we did go over the articles of faith.  They were so excited about learning them so they could check off that they knew them.  I decided to learn the articles of faith with them.  I told them we really had to do a lesson next week or I was going to get fired from primary.  Sophia was smiling and then it registered what I said and she got a serious look on her face and shook her head that I couldn't leave.  Of course I was joking but it was sweet that she didn't want me to leave.  They are listening to me better this week which is nice.  I'm not as reluctant to call them on their stuff.  Like Elise always wanting to sit in the window.  I'm beginning to think she just likes me to go through all the reasons she needs to sit in her seat because when I walked in she smiled at me and said I want to sit in the window. I told her we go over this every week and she knows that I'm not going to allow her to sit on the window sill.  That was all it took for her to sit in her seat. 

Weight loss doesn't make me happy yet I tend to focus on exercising and trying to fix what I do wrong.  It's not a purpose.  I feel like I have a purpose when I'm with my primary kids.  It's so cool watching them understand things and get excited about learning.  It's even fun when they try to get there own way.  My co-teacher would probably be horrified at how  not strict I am with them.  Okay, yes, I get the importance of reverence but if they aren't being loud or disrespectful then it's not that serious. I want them to look forward to coming to class every week, not dreading another boring lesson.

Granted I don't have kids so who knows, I could be doing things totally wrong.  They mostly sit in their seats and they don't ignore me when I ask them to do something. Today when I told them we had ten minutes to talk about Moses they all listened.  They gave me a hard time because I actually remembered the opening prayer today.  I forget a lot and they hardly ever remind me that I forgot but they love to give me a hard time about not remembering.