Ok maybe 101 things is a bit of a stretch. Maybe not, but I do know that I am too lazy to write out 101 things. I once had a boss who listed off the things that if I changed them then I'd be an "unstoppable" person. When he was listing them off I realized if I did all of that then I wouldn't be me. I can't say that I disagree with him. His basic take is that I'm plenty smart but I need to lose weight, change how I dress, maybe get some contacts, be more outgoing and friendly, stop being so moody, smile more. Yeah, I tend to agree. So basically I need to become a new me. I'm always being accused of being in a fowl mood even if I'm in a perfectly fine mood, which of course then puts me in a foul mood. I try to tell people it's the face I was born with it looks mad all the time. There is nothing I can do about it, but it's still annoying to hear them say I'm in a bad mood.
I am actually in a pretty bad mood right now and I think I may be rambling but I have a lot on my mind. My friend is mad at me for missing Thanksgiving. I was hoping to avoid family drama by skipping the family Thanksgiving and instead caused drama with my friend. I honestly didn't believe that she would care one way or another if I went to Thanksgiving. I don't know why that it so hard for her to believe. I also have a hard time believing that people actually like me in general so I don't see how it's hard to believe that I honestly didn't think someone cared if I showed up for Thanksgiving. My friend and I have had this conversation before. I can't say that I think people are lying when they say that they like me but I have a hard grasping why on earth someone would want to be friends with me. If I didn't have to be around me I don't think that I'd be friends with me. I think I'm a really annoying person. I annoy the crap out of myself so why on earth don't I annoy these people. Maybe I do who knows.
I think my ex-boss was right that I do basically need to become a new person to be acceptable to people including myself. I think that is probably why I have such a hard time losing weight. It's because I don't know that I really want to lose weight. I mean what is the actual point? It's not like I care if I live a long life. In fact the thought of living another 30 years depresses me. Counselors say I'm depressed because I don't really care if I drop dead tomorrow but I disagree. There really isn't a purpose to my life so why would I care if I keep doing the same thing day in and day out. That is also not to say that I'm looking to die. A year and a half ago I would say I wanted to die more than I wanted to live, however today I would say I'm pretty indifferent to either option. Maybe. I often think if someone said I could have everything I've ever wanted or I could choose to die that I would choose death.
I know people won't understand this but as I said in a pervious post I'm not very good at seeing the future so I never really think about what I want. I don't know that I want anything. Well....I guess that's not true because as I said before I'd love to have a real family but that isn't going to happen so what else is there? Work? Yeah that's what I want to live for.
It probably sounds like I'm suicidal but I'm really not. I could never do it though not for any reason other than I'd probably screw it up and end up worse off. The funny thing is there is nothing wrong with my life. I'm sure a lot of people would love my life. I do what I want, when I want. I can recognize that I have a good life. I just been alone so long that I don't think I'm capable having a relationship with anyone. I think I'm socially retarded.
I don't even know if what I've written makes sense. I've just been writing what's in my head so if your confused by what I've written congratulations you now know what's going on in my head.
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