High Anxiety

My trainer, Patrick, offered to take me to the Temple visitors center which was fine, I didn't mind it, but now the missionaries from the church want to drop by which totally freaks me out. I knew I'd  have an issue because I'm extremely uncomfortable talking to people and just the thought of having to talk to them totally stresses me out - what was I thinking?! What I wasn't expecting was that most of my anxiety is having people in my house. I don't want them here. Not because they are from the church but because they are people invading my house, my space. It seems so irrational but it got me thinking.  Besides someone dropping something off or picking something up I've only invited one person into my house for a visit in the last decade. That was a friend and these are complete strangers that I'm going to be expected to hold a conversation with. The stress of this has made me want to eat all day long but when I did eat I felt like I was going to be sick.

I also noticed anger is right up there with the anxiety. Anger that I've allowed myself to get in the situation in the first place. I just want to be at home in bed and left alone. I don't want to be around anyone. It also makes me angry that people tell me I just need to get over it. Really?! Do they seriously think I like feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack just at the thought have having people in my house and having to talk to them? I'm also angry because at myself because I don't understand why this is such a big deal. Normal people have people over. Normal people can carry on conversations with people they don't know. I feel so retarded. What is wrong with me? It's like I go brain dead at just the thought of carrying on a conversation with someone I don't know. What was I thinking agreeing to have them come here? Patrick was like would it help if I were there? What I said was no, that's fine but what I was thinking was NOOOO!!!! I don't want you there so you can see for yourself how unbelievable uncomfortable I am around people. The truth is he already knows that. I stumbled over every question that was asked. I felt so stupid. I think my brain is slow when it comes to finding words to speak. I mean it's not like I'm stupid, I have lots of thoughts. My brain never shuts off.  I usually make a joke and tell people I'm socially retarded. People just laugh it off but if they only knew how deeply I believe that. I can't adequately describe the panic I feel when I know I'm going somewhere I'm not comfortable with because I may have to talk to people. Unfortunately it's the same when I'm in a group of people I do know.  I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. When I get home I usually get depressed and never want to go out in public again because of the anxiety but also because I feel like I'm so hopeless.

Hopeless because I've been alone most of my life. I'm tired of being alone but I feel like I've been alone so long that I don't know how to not be alone. I don't communicate well with people so it scares me to think that this will never change. I don't want this but I don't know what is wrong with my that I can't communicate like a normal person.