I quickly gave in to all of my worst tendencies this week.  I seem to want to derail my progress and I can see that I'm doing it but I so far have a hard time stopping myself. A friend asked me the other night if I prayed about it, which I have - a lot - but then he suggested maybe I wasn't prayed for the right things. Maybe I was too vague and needed to be more specific. He also reminded me that we are put on this earth to overcome our struggles. See, I did hear him last but I wasn't listening. I wasn't in a place where I could let what he was saying sink in but I did hear it.

I woke up this morning feeling defeated. I'm having some pain issues that made me have to miss a hike that I was so looking forward to. I felt restless like I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want to be stuck at home doing nothing. I wanted to be outside enjoying the day so I decided to sleep. I slept off and on until 4pm. I haven't done that in a while. I kept waking up because I'm not use to sleeping all day and each time I did I felt that oppressing weight of despair until the last time I woke up. I had a song stuck in my head from Mikeschair called 'Someone Worth Dying For'. As the title suggests it is a song questioning what I think a lot of people question at times - Jesus died for our sins but am I someone worth dying for. I struggle a lot with this - I am truly someone worth dying for? Having this song in my head got me thinking. My friend pointed out that everyone struggles it's just that my struggles are more visible then others - meaning the weight. Yes, I've been fixated on the weight lately. Resisting getting to 299 but I realized once again it's not about the weight. The weight is a symptom of a bigger issue. I resist so much, not because I don't want to lose weight, but because I don't think I DESERVE to lose weight. I begin to lash out and sabotage myself.

It's difficult because I don't know how to believe that I'm someone worth dying for. I feel like an insignificant nobody with no purpose in life, however I can choose to continue to give into this or I can choose to overcome it. Maybe my current struggles both physically and emotionally are the answer to my prayers. I was reading some articles on lds.org today and I saw a few times the thought that God gives us weaknesses to help us grow. God gives us weaknesses so we will turn to him. God will make weak things strong. Maybe that is the point of my current struggles. Maybe God is trying to help me grow. Maybe God is waiting for me to allow Him to help me instead of lashing out and turning away from Him.

If you asked me today whether I'm someone worth dying for I'd give you a resounding NO! Do I believe that I can some day I can be someone worth dying for? Yes.  For now that will have to be enough.

Someone Worth Dying For

MIKESCHAIR

You might be the wife,
Waiting up at night
You might be the man,
Struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless

Maybe you're the son,
Who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl,
Thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking

Chorus

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

And you are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for