Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~Winston Churchill
I never really gave attitude much thought. I've always been the type of person to let my mood control how I feel, which in turn controls my attitude towards things. I've always known this about myself, but I realized that this is not a good way to live. Attitude really is everything.
The challenge is how to find the positive when I just want to give up. I'm struggling so much with where I am with my weight right now. I have a goal and the closer I get to that goal the more I seem to resist getting there. Part of me is mad at myself for letting my feelings stop me and the other part of me thinks that I don't deserve better. I think over the past few months I've done better at ignoring that nagging self doubt, however right now it's yelling pretty loud.
The last time I was here with my weight I went on a months long binge and gained 15 pounds. That started in October and ending the last week of December. I have since lost 15.5 pounds, which basically puts me right back at the weight I was in October and yet again I'm feeling that urge to just blow up everything I've been working for.
This is the self sabotage that the counselor warned me she could see. I couldn't see it then but it's impossible to ignore now. I don't want to workout. I look at the list of things I have to do and I just want to walk out the door. This started with that stupid 1.5 pound weight gain, but I'm not sure it would have mattered what the scale said.
It may have only been 1.5 pounds but it also did something I wasn't expecting - it made me fear the scale. I'm not going to lie the numbers GOOD or bad have a negative effect on me. Nothing good can come of weighing in. I allow the scale to play games with my head. Have you ever done something over and over again and you just want to stop? That's where I'm at right now with the scale. I can be happy with a weight loss in the moment but it's not long before that happiness turns on me. Usually before bed but IF I'm lucky I can make it into the next day feeling pretty good. I feel emotionally depleted.
I see the cardiologist again at the end of February and I'd really just like to focus on doing the right things. I want to eat right, exercise, and get my water in. That is it and that is enough. Right now I don't care about the numbers, I care about doing the right things.
Is it running away from the problem if I choose not to deal with it right now? I don't think so. Right now I need to have more good days than bad. I can deal with the scale just not now. I don't have it in me. It's wearing me down emotionally. I need to take a break from it. I need a chance to build back some confidence before I deal with it again.
I don't want to sabotage myself again and have to loose what I've gained yet again. When I had trouble eating right in the beginning Corey said to do what I can do and keep making improvements. Today I had almost triple the water I had yesterday so that was an improvement even though it was still way under where I should be. I only had one bad meal today instead of the two I had yesterday. I really wanted fast food tonight but I resisted so even though it wasn't the right choice it wasn't fast food - improvement.
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