In the end

This past month has probably been the hardest month of my life so far but it's strange because I feel mentally stronger. Patrick (my trainer) tells me a lot that I need to get out of my head and I finally understand what that means.

If you would have described what I would go through in the last month before it happened I would have said there is no way I could do it. I have learned that I'm far more capable than I give myself credit for. I did struggle with the emotions but in the moment I just was able to react, not think about it, and just do whatever needed to be done. I'm grateful I had the support of all of my friends and that I allowed people to help me, because honestly I don't know that I would have held up on my own. Once I stopped beating myself up for what I wasn't doing well everything got so much easier. I would just berate myself for not handling things better but you know it was hard to watch the person, who was once the strongest person I knew, become so weak and dependent. It was hard to sit there day after day watching him slip away and know there was nothing I could do about it. It was hard sitting there listening to him talk about what he was going to do when he got better knowing he was never going to get better. It was confusing and hard to be told one day this is probably it, he probably won't wake up again, only for him to be up and moving around without a walker the next. It is impossible for your brain not to have hope when you see that kind of turn around. In the end he had the opposite turn around. He was doing so good (well as good as a person with terminal cancer can do) he tricked his sister into walking him a mile in his wheelchair down to Wells Fargo one day and then the next he hardly had the strength to get up. I had been through this before. I had seen him fade so far only to come back so when my Aunt's were all concerned I was in a wait and see mode. The difference was the last time he was so low I sat by his bedside and I had this feeling of assurance that it wasn't his time and it gave me peace. I felt his spirit was still so strong. I was sitting beside his bed two days before he died and I knew in my heart this was is. I could feel his spirit was growing weak. I was hoping I was wrong but I knew I wasn't. The day before he died I knew it was just a matter of time because he was sitting up in his wheelchair and his eyes were open but there was nothing there. He could still hear and respond but it was like he wasn't seeing.

I feel like this experience has changed me and I hope it's a permanent change. I don't know how to explain it but when my grandma and my mom died all of those years ago it felt like a part of my soul died. I couldn't cry, I couldn't deal with it. It almost feels like I got a part of my soul back going through this experience with my grandpa. As much as I would have liked to have run away some days I didn't - I stayed. I feel closer to Heavenly Father and it's strange but it seems almost like for the first time in my life I want to live my life. Life is too short. Unfortunately getting sick hasn't helped me get on with my life as soon as I would have liked but I feel ready to stop letting the things that don't matter stop me. Like I said I hope that this sticks because it feels like the weight of the past has been lifted. If you see me forget just remind me to remember this experience because I don't want to go back.