If only...

I wish there was a switch that I could flip that would make everything better.  I feel like a failure because I haven't been able to overcome my sabotaging tendencies.  Patrick is frustrated that I still have the same issues over and over again and I don't blame him.  When I saw my counselor the other day I asked how I can fix the one thing that never really goes away - I don't like myself and I feel unworthy to breath air sometimes let alone have or do anything good.  I felt really good about the weight I had lost and then the anger set in. I wouldn't have had to lose the weight if I would have been a stronger person.  I made choices. I chose to believe that I was unlovable, worthless, stupid and now those choices are ingrained in me. I feel like if I were a stronger person this would not have happened.  Someone once told me that our minds and bodies will do whatever it takes to survive. She said that I did the best I could with the tools that I had and that my choices were not made in a vacuum.  I wasn't willing to hear that then, but I believe that is true.

So, how do I change what I believe to be true about myself? The counselor said I have to start retraining my brain because it will believe anything we tell it. I was giving an assignment to start doing disputations.  Basically when I have these negative beliefs pop into my held I'm supposed to write it down on a piece of paper and then I'm supposed to dispute why that is not true.  We worked on I'm unworthy.  I had to come up with 10 reason I am worthy.  Yeah, I had trouble coming up with one. She said once the thought comes into my head I'm supposed to read the reasons that's not true until the thought passes. She said it will be uncomfortable, I won't believe it, but it will start retraining my brain to think differently about myself.