My Birthday

My birthday post didn't sit well with me so I decided I needed a new post.  I think it didn't sit well with me because most of the things I talked about don't matter to me anymore.  They are just the superficial reasons that I had come to avoid my birthday.

Here's the thing, it's not that my parents forgot my birthday that still makes me a little sad but that I don't have them in my life.  When I forgave them for their shortcomings it made me remember how much I love them, miss them, and wish that they were around.  Birthdays and holidays are when I miss my family.  I grew up watching other people celebrate these days and always wishing that my family could be like that too.  Outwardly I'd say celebrating those things just didn't matter to me but it was the lie I told myself to get through those days.  Now that I'm able to choose whether I celebrate these things I have mixed feelings about it.

It's true part of me wants to be excited about my birthday but the other part doesn't want to make a big deal about it. It's kind of like two different worlds.  I'm friends with a lot of people who love to celebrate birthday's.  I think it's cool that they get so excited.  On the other hand I have the whole it's just another day mentality.  It feels wrong to get excited about my birthday even though I've always been secretly fond of my birthday because I share a birthday with my favorite uncle.

I'm going to be honest and admit that the reason I want to treat it as just another day is because part of me doesn't feel like MY birthday is worthy to be celebrated.  In my original post I said I'm not the type of person what people show up for and that is the way I still feel.  My birthday usually competes with Memorial Day Weekend and lets be honest Memorial Day weekend plans are important.  I get it. I almost always look forward to holiday weekends.  Most of the time it's not because of the holiday itself but because it's a long three day weekend that I usually try to extend by taking PTO days.   

There is one thing that I will never understand.  It's when people hate their birthday just because they are another year older.  If you've made it to another birthday then that means you are still alive - heck ya that deserves to be celebrated!

I think that's where I am this year. I didn't want to just ignore my birthday as I have in year's past. Last year I had an awesome birthday so why wouldn't I want to have another awesome birthday?! Yeah, I have a little bit of anxiety about giving up control of what I'm doing for my birthday this year but it's nice that someone else cares to celebrate it.

I'm going to leave my original post about my birthday only for context but as I said my original post didn't sit well with me.  I kept things superficial and I know I can do better than that.

Everything below is my original post.

This week's blog post is dedicated to my love/hate feelings about my birthday.  I like to be excited about my birthday but I have to be in control of my own plans for my birthday or else it makes me anxious.

Take this week for instance.  I've been thinking about what I want to do for my birthday and my friend Jenn throws a wrench into my plans.  I was thinking I'd go out of town by myself for a long weekend.  Maybe do something I've always wanted to do.  Then I was like well maybe Jenn would want to go with me so I asked her.  It didn't look like it was going to work out so I continued to make my own plans to spend my birthday away from home by myself.  Jenn called me up last week and informed me that she was talking me out for my birthday on Thursday and she thought that we should do to Disneyland next weekend.  I love how she just said I'm going out to dinner with her on Thursday.  Haha.  If she would have asked I probably would have said no that's okay. I don't want to go.  I don't like when other people make a big deal about my birthday even though I do actually like it.

Yes, we've already established I'm weird but I'm especially weird about my birthday.  I don't like to leave my birthday up to other people. My family has never been big on birthday's.  My parents usually forgot.  Well, maybe my dad forgot but it's hard to believe my mom forgot.  She has to endure the pain of giving birth to me so I'd imagine that would be hard to forget.  I don't remember her calling on my birthday. 

I always told myself that it wasn't a big deal. It was just a birthday but I'll admit there is a reason I hate my birthday - birthday parties.  I've had two.  One was the year I moved in with my grandparents and only one person showed up.  It was a mortifying experience.  I never thought about having another birthday party again until a few years ago when my friend Faith wanted to throw me a party.  I told her about my first experience with a party and I dragged my feet because I honestly felt like I wasn't the type of person people would show up to a party for.  It was awesome of Faith to want to do that for me so I had the party. Faith and her family were the only people who showed up.  Yeah, no more parties for me.

Last year I decided I'd make my own plans for my birthday and it was the best birthday I've ever had.  It was my 35th birthday and I wanted to do something I had never done before so I decided to go white water rafting for my birthday.  I had a blast that's why this year I decided I was going to do my own thing again for my birthday. 

It makes me nervous that I don't know where Jenn is taking me for my birthday.  I know it's just a control thing because  I'm sure I'll like wherever we go.  I just don't like surprises.  It makes me happy that I have friends that care to get excited about my birthday.  I just wish I was in control of the plans.  I can't be disappointed if I'm the one who makes the plans right?  It's not that I don't want to go but it's driving me nuts that she won't tell me where we are going.  I'm trying to get better about my need to control everything though.

 I am excited about Disneyland though.  I've never been there and that is never a place I would have chosen to go.  I was thinking the beach or the mountains, someplace quiet.  Someplace that I could go and have a good time by myself but that wouldn't have been nearly as fun.