I had an appointment with the cardiologist today. He once again told me how important it was to lose weight. He has this big monitor where he shows me my stats. Nothing like seeing my failure in six month increments.
It's nice that he's so patient with me. He answers all of my questions. He went over my risk factors and explained that because of my heart condition blood clots are my biggest concern. He said that he could see from my history that I know how to lose weight but I just have to mental get there. It was a little discouraging when he told me that statistically my chances a losing weight and keeping it off aren't good.
One of my biggest fears is having a heart attack and the doctor is telling me I need to change my ways or that is a very real possibility. The doctor said if I give him six months of sustained effort he'd give me 6 months off as long as I maintained my weight. He said if I gave him 100 pounds of weight loss he'd give me a year off as long as I didn't gain.
The thought of having to lose all of the weight all over again is overwhelming. The first time I lost it, I didn't lose it because I believed I could or that I was worth it. I did it because Patrick believed I could. I never believed in myself. I still don't believe in myself. Part of me wonders if I fear living more than I fear dying. Part of me wonders if I'm just too lazy to make any real change.
It scares me that whether I succeed or fail is totally and completely up to me. I have no problem letting myself down again and again. How am I possibly going to succeed when I've failed so many times before?!
The cardiologist hasn't told me anything I didn't already know but I like to ignore what he says because it scares me. I don't know how to deal with it so I pretend that everything is fine. What's to stop me from doing that again these next six months. Right now I'm scared but I'm also very good and shutting down my emotions and ignoring reality.
Right now I'm not mentally in the right frame of mind to make a decision on what comes next but instead of doing nothing my goal for tomorrow is to drink 80oz of water.
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