Strong Suits and Straight Jackets

This post is little bit of spiritual, mixed with a little bit of a class I just took, mixed with an emotional breakdown.  Some of you may know that I've been having problems with my right leg. Yes, that would be the same side I had my foot surgery on last year.  I haven't been able to get back to where I was pre-surgery.  My muscles are tight and nothing I've tried has helped.

My trip to Disneyland in May was the last straw. My calf cramped on the drive up and by two hours into my first trip to Disneyland I could barely walk.  I did what any unreasonable person would do - I continued to abuse my leg despite being in excruciating pain.  I know I was cranky but honest I was less cranky than I was feeling in my head.  Looking back it's kind of crazy what I was willing to endure in the name of having "fun".  Don't get me wrong the trip was fun but it was also a form of torture.  It's not the kind of pain that has gone away with rest and it's not the kind of pain I'd ever felt before.  I don't think my foot surgery hurt as bad as I was hurting at Disneyland.

Fast forward a little over a month later and I'm still dealing with some major pain issues.  I've been diagnosed with acute Achilles tendonitis in both legs but the pain just kept intensifying until I ended up going to urgent care and then the emergency room to check for blood clots.  Thankfully I do not have any blood clots.  Next stop was my family doctor who said he didn't think I had Achilles tendonitis, he thought it was in my knee.  (I think he's wrong).  The family doctor in turn is sending me to a specialist, which I'm excited about.  My right side hasn't been right since my surgery 10 months ago.

Anywho that's the background on what led up to my emotional breakdown. My emotional breakdown happened last week.  I was feeling very much like I was in a no win situation.  I know my pain is being magnified by my weight but any exercise I've tried to do has aggravated my pain issue.  I needed to take some garbage to the dumpster and a new symptom just started a few days earlier that was making it extremely painful to walk.  My friend offered to help me, but me being me, I said no thanks.  I managed to get to the dumpster no where near fairly pain free.  Half way there I wanted to quit.  My leg was killing me but me being me, I pressed on.  When I finally made it to the dumpster, the tears were flowing involuntarily.  I just wanted someone to come and help me but I knew that wasn't an option so I started the slow journey back to my place.

As I got half way back to my place my knee locked up and shot pain that I had never felt before.  Now I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot just sobbing.  I really wanted to just lay down and let a car run me over. Unfortunately, it usually takes moments when I'm completely drained and have no fight left in me to ask Heavenly Father to help me.  I'm sure I looked insane.  I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot sobbing and saying out loud that "I can't do this anymore, please help me. Please help me endure the pain.  Please help me fix this.".  The words that came to my mind were that I needed to stop being prideful.  I have low self esteem. I'm not prideful. Ah, but I am.

In the class I just took it talked about how when situations happen in everyone's life it makes them develop a strong suit to overcome that negative event.  It's good because it helps you get through life but it also becomes like a straight jacket.  I didn't quite get this until I realized I am prideful.  My strong suit is being independent.  I don't need anyone. I can take care of myself, even when I know I need help.  I refuse to swallow my pride and ask for help.  To me it's always been a sign of weakness to need help but I'm accepting that everyone needs help every once in a while.

My independence is like a straight jacket because I refuse to accept help.  I want to prove that I can do everything myself even though I can't.  I could barely walk but I didn't need any help.  I could take the garbage out myself.  I don't need any help trying to adopt a healthy lifestyle. I KNOW what to do so I just need to do it.

When I was actually losing weight it was because I made a conscious choice to swallow my pride and listen to what Patrick was telling me to do.  Then I got a bug up my butt about needing to do it on my own and have since gained back all 100 pounds I lost. That's working really well for me.  I am on occasion willing to admit that I need support but it usually doesn't last long.  The thought that I'm weak and I need to do it on my own quickly takes over and I completely disregard any help I've asked for and have been given.  That has to be very frustrating for people.  If I've done that to you, I apologize. 

Once I actually thought about the ways I'm prideful I realized it is completely holding me back.  It's good to be independent but it truly does become like a straight jacket when it is taken too far.  I've started being aware of when I say no I don't need help.  Like the other day at church.  I'm using crutches on and off to help manage my pain until I can get in to see the specialist.  I was using my crutches and I had a heavy bag for my primary lesson and another bag.  I'm trying to carry these, use the crutches, and walk at the same time.  Someone asked if I needed help.  Of course I said nope I'm good.  Then I paused and realized I was being unreasonable so I took the person up on her offer to help me.  You know it made the long walk into church so much easier. 

I was reminded that Heavenly Father is always there to help me but I have to be willing to ask and expect an answer.  I have trouble with the expecting an answer.  I'm ask but I tend to feel like that help is reserved for someone better than I am.  I feel like I need to hit these low moments in my life to truly be open to being helped.  I don't know what is going to happen with this latest set back but I do know that if I'm going to get through it to the best of my ability I'm going to have to swallow my pride and accept help.