I feel inspired to tell you about this program I'm taking called the Landmark Forum. Going in I wasn't really sure what to expect other than the little bit my life coach and friend Jenn was trying to tell me. She drew two circles and told me there's what happened and the story about what happened. What happened was all that happened and the story of what happened didn't actually happen. (Yeah well why does it feel like it happened?!) Then she tried to convince me it was a good idea to write an accountability letter to the person in my story. I wasn't too keen on that idea but agreed. Oh yeah and then actually read it to him. Psshhh. No.
Fast forward two months and I walk in to the building the Forum is at a little before 8:30am just like my responsible self was told to do and being the people pleaser that I am, I had to do it. I walk in the door and look around and notice a whole lot of chairs. I'm thinking Jenn said she barely saw Richard so we much not be in this room the whole weekend so I decide it's okay. Now here is where you'll need to bare with me. First I'd like to tell you about my experience of being at the Forum then I will tell you what I learned.
I felt horrified, mislead, and relieved a few hours in when I realized the entire Forum would take place in that room with 142 terrifying strangers. Horrified needs no explanation. Mislead because I talked to Jenn. I said I didn't couldn't handle being in a class with people I knew and she led me to believe that I wouldn't even see them. Relieved because the person I knew that said they were going to be there couldn't actually be there. Phew. Dodged that bullet.
The first day I was my typical self. After every break I nervously looked for the least scariest person I could sit next to. At dinner we were encouraged to eat in groups of 3 to 5 people, unless we had a burning desire to eat alone, which yes I did. We were asked to participate and if it was to go up to the microphone to ask a question or to participate, there was no way I was going to raise my hand. If a question was asked where we could just raise our hands to indicate the answer, I'd raise my hand - half way. At the end of the first day I wasn't sure where things were going but I was pretty excited about finding out.
I'm not exactly sure what happened between the end of the first night and the start of the second day but somewhere in that time I lost my fear of participating. I didn't make that decision it just kind of snuck up on my. When the coach asked for volunteers to go up and share about the rackets they run I was more than stunned when I realized my hand was in the air. Not the little half hand raise where you can pretend to participate but still hide your participation. No, I'm talking all in, full on, hand raised, pick me, participation. I got picked. Anyone who knows me might guess my next thought is complete panic but huh? No, a little nervous to be standing in front of 142 strangers but I was fine with it. So it gets to be my turn and I'm explaining to, Jeff, the coach where I'm having trouble with my racket and he asks me who's in your story? Instantly I got emotional. I had see it over and over again the day before. I was thinking, I'd be ready for the questions. I wouldn't cry in front of all of those people. I gave a vague answer of my family. Then Jeff asked me to name the 2 or 3 people in my story. I said my mom, my dad...crap. must. fight. tears....., my grandpa.
Jeff asked what is my story with them. Okay I regained my composure. I'm good. My mom left. My dad left....zzzzz pause....My grandpa.....nope, there's no fighting the tears this time....my grandpa would tell me on a regular basis that the only reason I was there was because nobody wanted me. I heard a couple of people gasp in the room so that made me brave enough to look at who was in the room besides Jeff. I was surprised I saw a number of people crying. I don't think I said anything profound or tragic. It's just my story. I didn't feel like anyone was judging me. Jeff then coached me through what I decided about that and then yelled it didn't happen. I figured out my racket with I don't deserve happiness, love, acceptance... if because I can't have a happy successful life because I needed to punish my mom, dad, and grandpa for everything in my story. My story didn't happen. What happened, happened and even most of that DID NOT HAPPEN. Okay, okay he's right. He asked me if I could get a hold of my dad and I said I could track him down. Jeff asked me if I was ready to give up my payoff to be able to a invent a new possibility of being. I told him that I was. He gave me an assignment on my break to call my dad. I knew when I told him I'd do it, I would. I felt a shift. I felt the possibility.
Before that I was strongly against talking to my dad again. Not because I didn't love him but because after I talked to him things felt hopeless, like there was so future there. I wasn't sure how long it would actually take to get a hold of my dad. I didn't have his number and I didn't know if I could get a hold of someone who had his number. I lucked out and found his old business number still listed online and it had a phone number. I didn't realize that, that phone number went to a landline but I managed to get through to him. I told him about the class I was taking and that I realized that I was still blaming him for leaving and that it was effecting every other relationship that I had and I told him that I was sorry for doing that. He said I didn't need to apologize because he was a bad father. We talked for a little bit and basically left it as I wanted a relationship with him and he wanted a relationship with me and he gave me his cell phone number. After I hung up on the phone with him I felt it. I felt the space that Jeff was talking about. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt that I could invent a possibility for having a new relationship with my dad that wasn't weight down by the past.
I think that was a huge turning point for me because I felt free. I wasn't afraid to raise my hand and speak. I wasn't afraid of who I sat next to because I might have to talk to them or worrying if they were judging me. I really got the potential that this program had for my live.
During the rest of my time in class what I learned from the Landmark Forum is an understanding of what life is and what it is made up of. Most people live their life past, present, future. What I learned was that THIS present moment is what I have. I can have the life that I want if I invent the possibility and what is possible isn't defined by my past. The possibility I invent can be anything I choose it to be. It isn't past, present, future. It's future (invent the possibility), present (action), past (result of the possibility and action). You might be wondering how it could take 39 hours over 3 days to learn this. This isn't a new concept. I've been told versions of this my entire life. Here's the thing I learned the first day of class: the purpose of the class wasn't to learn about it as a spectator in the stands watching and acquiring book knowledge. I was asked to get out of the stands and get on the court in my life. Every discussion between Jeff and any of the participants wasn't to be watched as an impartial observer of the conversation but as my life. The stories might have been different but there was always a way to see it as my life.
I was stunned to feel how inauthentic my life has been up until this point. It's a totally different experience when I'm engaged, seeing, experiencing, doing, being, present in my life. It truly is creating another realm of possibility instead of fixing what's not broken. What I learned from the program is how to get on the court and be present in my life. I learned that there is incredible freedom in truly understanding that all I has is this moment. What I do with the next moment is any possibility I invent. I choose to invent the possibility of being limit less.
This program really help me know what transformation means. I knew what it meant from an intellectual stand point but I didn't know in my heart. Obviously you can't have a complete transformation in 3 days but I do believe that I felt what a transformation is. I still have to act. That's not tomorrow, that's not yesterday, that's right now. When I left there at 10pm three days later I can honestly say I invented a new realm of possibility for my life.
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