The Words I Would Say

My grandpa told me yesterday he has officially been diagnosed with cancer.  I'm not sure what that means for him and won't know until he has surgery.  What I do know is that the cancer has spread from where it originally started and generally that is not a good thing. I don't want to over think what this may mean. One step at a time seems to work well for me so why change that now.  This has however got me thinking about all of the things left unsaid.  My grandpa is going to be 79 years old in a few months and nobody lives forever. This made me think of a song by the Sidewalk Prophets called "Words I Would Say".  I've never been good a communicating. I have things that I'd like to say and often times I am frustrated because I can't just open my mouth and speak.  Part of the reason is I don't like to hurt people and the other part is that it hurts to be rejected.

My dad once asked me what he did wrong and why all of his kids abandoned him. Why he was treated like such an a-hole. My response to him was that my grandpa did far more damage than he ever did but at least my grandpa showed up. The truth is my dad disappeared for months on end. No visits, no phone calls so it's hard to have an attachment to someone that I barely know.  It was that conversation that helped me realize that my dad was never a dad. He was a dad in name only. I had always wanted him to care and I think he does but he just doesn't know how to be a father. It was easier for him to walk away then to figure it out.  It was also that conversation that helped me see I do have a dad, I just call him grandpa. It's true that grandpa did far more damage than my dad ever did but it is also true that I love him anyway.

I never told my grandma and my mom what I needed to say before they died and I will have to live with that regret for the rest of my life. The truth is I'd like to tell my grandpa how I feel, but I don't know that I have the courage to. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want it to seem like I'm whining. I'm not, it's just I don't believe anyone can truly really know who you are if you never let them in. If I had the courage to tell my grandpa my thoughts these are the words I would say:  First, I am sorry.  I resented having to live with you. I wanted to live with my dad. I understand that the last thing you expected when Mary and I moved in with you and grandma was for grandma to die and leave you to raise us alone.  I realize that was probably very overwhelming for you and you probably felt like you were in over your head.  It took me a long time to accept that you actual do love me. Grandma actually helped me with that because I remember she used to say all the time, "actions speak louder than words".  Your words were abusive. Part of me can't forgive myself for letting your words make me believe that I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable.  You used to say over and over again that the only reason I was there was because nobody wanted me. I never wanted to be your burden so I tried so hard to stay out of your way so you wouldn't have to be bothered with me.  I never quite managed to do that though. 

I don't understand why it was so easy for you to decide I was stupid.  Do you know that Jeff feels guilty because he and Mary used to laugh at me and call me stupid? He said that he believed that because that is what you and grandma used to say all the time. He said he didn't realize that it wasn't true until he actually got to know me in high school. When I was talking to Silvia the last time I was in Ohio she asked me what I was up to and I told her that I had graduated from college and was doing accounting. Her response was, "YOU went to college?!"  Did you realize people believed you and grandma when you told them how stupid I was? Did you care? 

For a very long time I too believed you when you called me stupid.  I believe you when you said nobody wanted me.  I believed that I was nothing but a stupid waste of space -- your burden and my parent's regret. No, you never said those words but that is how you made me feel.  At some point my stubborn nature kicked in because I decided you weren't going to tell me what I was capable of. I always feared that you were right but what drove me was my need to prove you wrong.  Slowly my grades started improving and that gave me hope that maybe I wasn't as stupid as you thought I was. 

Despite the words you said I can accept that you loved me because as grandma said actions speak louder than words.  You may have resented having to raise your grand kids but you did it anyway. I remember after my dad once again disappointed me you said you didn't understand why I let him hurt me over and over again.  The truth is I did it because I just wanted him to care. I didn't think you did and he did sometimes. As much as you yelled about the only reason I was living with you was because nobody else wanted me, I also saw that you were happy I was home after being gone all summer, every summer - even if you'd never admit it.  It was easy to forgive you for hurting me because I do believe you are a good person.  At some point I chose to accept that the words you said were the truth. I wish I would have been a stronger person but I can't blame you for what I chose to believe.  

Mary is upset that I don't spend more time with you. I can accept that you care and you love me but I don't think you like me very much. I do think you have a low opinion of me and I know I didn't do anything to deserve it. I can accept that you have your own issues.  

It's funny people want to make assumptions about what I care about but really if they knew me at all they would know material things don't matter to me. Yes, you'd buy me practically anything I wanted but money couldn't buy the only thing I ever wanted - to feel like I belonged somewhere. That is why I chose to move to Kentucky my sophomore year of college, not because you bought Mary a stupid car. I just didn't want to feel like I was alone in this world. Unfortunately dad ended up doing what he does best - he left AGAIN. You never said, "I told you so", you just said I could come home. I don't believe my dad when he says that he loves me because his actions don't support his words. Your actions are why I can accept that you do love me even though you have never said those words and the words you did say said otherwise.

The truth is you did hurt me but I forgave you. The truth is I love you and I am grateful to you for teaching me to be a person who has integrity.  I know that you would help anyone if it is in your power to do so because you care. I know that you are an amazing person. I know that you have a great sense of humor. I know you are the type of person I want to be - only with better communication skills.

I'm trying not to over think what comes next with my grandpa. Cancer is a scary word.  When my grandma was diagnosed with leukemia I didn't know what to expect.  I was only 10 years old when she was diagnosed and it was never a real possibility to me that she would die even though the doctor said typically people with her type of leukemia only lived for 4 years. 4 years is all she had.  Even when she went into the hospital for the last time, I still thought she'd come home. She always had before. When she was diagnosed, I never could have imagined the pain and suffering she went through in those 4 years. I never thought I'd sit there and watch as she begged God to take her because she was in so much pain. I wouldn't wish the way my grandma died on anyone.  My sister says I'm sticking my head in the sand and ignoring what is happening with my grandpa.  I'm not stupid I know what this could mean but I also won't go to worst case scenario.  Right now we don't know what this means for my grandpa. We won't know until he has his surgery and the doctor takes a look. The only thing I can do right now is pray to Heavenly Father that he watches over my grandpa and brings him comfort and peace.