Shock to the System

My brain seems to have a hard time comprehending my way of being these last few days. I've had this feeling before but it's usually when things change in an instant and not in a good way.

I had this feeling for almost a year after my grandpa died. I'd be fine and then all the sudden my brain would go spastic and not comprehend how my grandpa could be diagnosed with cancer and die less than two months later.

I understand why my brain was struggling with that situation. It was a shock to my system but this is not a situation anywhere close to being traumatic but it feels like my brain it's treating it as traumatic. My relationship with food has, for the most part, been a struggle. There are rarely good feelings when I think of food. I think of food and I see my greatest struggle. BUT today I have felt at peace.  I have felt this particular sense of calm in my life. My brain recognizes it and it's in fight or flight mode.  It's as if my brain is preparing me for the other shoe to drop.

The last time I had this sense of calm was in 2011 when I was losing weight and food was in its proper place. I didn't feel tempted by bad things, however I could not, no matter how much I wanted to, stay in the calmness. I was always preparing for the worst. "You're going to screw up, you always do." It would wear on me and the thing I feared came to be.

I did that because I couldn't accept that everything was okay. It scares me now that I'm not struggling with my choices. I decided I want to live a life of integrity and strengthen my character. This time I'm backing it up with action, AND I've been down this road before, AND I screwed it up.

I know change happens in an instant. I want to trust that this is real, however I know myself. I haven't kept my promises to myself. I don't want to fail yet again.

I read a quote today by Thomas S. Monson that says, "Stick to a task till it sticks to you". I feel like I needed to see this today. I hate doubting myself. I can choose for this day to be a brand new day without all of the baggage but I'm terrified of letting go of my past failures. It's my most likely future if I'm not fighting it right? Ugh. I don't just put a huge amount of pressure on myself for my failures to me but my failures to others.

I'm coaching in a program and in this program were are asked to interview people to find out how they see us. The person I interviewed today said one of my weaknesses is breaking my promise to myself. I get it. It's true. I'm not faulting the statement AND I feel the weight of it.

I feel like I'm fighting who I've been in the past to myself and other people. I'm having a hard time with this. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like even if I succeed in having integrity and strengthening my character people will still see the person I taught them I am. That I will still see the person I dint want to be.

The thing is, I know I'm putting these thoughts on myself. This particular person is pretty go with the flow. Even if he did judge me, he wouldn't tell me. It doesn't matter what's going on for me, the good, bad, or ugly, he supports me.  I have a really hard time with that. Sometimes I just want to ask what is wrong with him. Doesn't he get that I'm not worth his time.

I just want to let things be. When I don't feel worthy I tend to push back. I want people to see my unworthiness and see that I'm not worth their time.

And that is what feeds my food addiction.