I am an accomplice no more

I'm realizing more and more that I'm not the person I want to be. I've come to accept that I can't do the same shit I've been doing but I've been reluctant to make a change because I'm as guilty as anyone in making bad choices. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I suddenly said don't want to do this anymore.

Our journey is our journey. I'm the type of person who needs to discover things for myself. No matter how many times someone says something I have to get it. Not just in my head but in my heart. Not wanting to be a hypocrite isn't a good reason to stay in a situation I know doesn't work for me. My fear of change isn't either. When we know better, we should make different choices.

I’ve been coaching a program called the Self Expression and Leadership program.  In this program we are supposed to interview people in our community.  One of the questions that we ask is, “what can you count on me for?”  I’ve been stuck on this question.  I’ve also been reading about character and integrity.  According to dictionary.com ‘character’ is defined as: 1) the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2) One such feature or trait; characteristic. 3) Moral or ethical quality: “a man of fine, honorable character.” 4) Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: “It takes character to face up to a bully.” 5) Reputation 6) Good repute 7) An account of qualities of peculiarities of a person or thing.

Looking at this question alongside of character one thing becomes clear to me: what I can be counted on for to people who are struggling to lose weight is to be an accomplice.  I am a person of low character.  That’s not who I want to be.  I don’t want to be the person who is down to eat crap while saying I want to do things differently.  I don’t want to be a person who is afraid to make changes because I don’t want to give up what I know.  I don’t want to be beat down by my bad habits and resigned to the same vicious circle for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to be the person that people can count on to be these things for them.

I want to be a person who is known for being a positive supportive friend who is not willing to be down for the things that keep us stuck.  At Landmark we create a possibility for the future.  When I decided to coach the Self Expression and Leadership program I created the possibility of courage and living life powerfully.  I have felt a shift but I’ve also still been clinging to what I know.  I’ve been scared to let go of the ways that hurt me because what I know I need to do seems so hard. I can't live into my possibility unless I let go off the past.

I’ve bought into the things that the people who are trying to help me have been saying but I haven’t had the courage to let go of my bad habits.  I can’t be half in and hope to succeed.  I need to set up my life to support what I want.  What I want is to be free of addiction.

I’ve been getting closer and closer to letting go but I’m scared of change.  I’m scared of losing people that are important to me.  I’m scared of being the person who is willing to lose the people that are important to be to be free of my addiction.  I don’t want to be a bad friend, and be the person who says this doesn’t work for me anymore, when I know I’ve often been the first person to say hey let’s go eat crap.  I have awesome friends who don’t judge me and share my struggle.  I don’t want to give that up.  It’s sad because I don’t want to be a bad friend but this is what makes me a bad friend.

I know the people who share my struggle are also trying to get healthy.  A good friend doesn’t stay in the pit with you just because we are in it together.  We help each other out of it.  I haven’t been helping myself and I certainly haven’t been helping you.  My actions say hey we might be down in this pit but at least we got each other.  No. I am not willing to do this anymore. I’m sorry that this is the type of friend I’ve been.

The question is what am I willing to do?  I think the first step is getting rid of my debit cards.  A friend offered to take them last night but I wasn’t willing to part with them.  I started getting myself out of the pit before and giving up my debit cards was like a ladder.  I’m weak in the face of temptation but when I don’t have the ability to swipe my card I’m a lot more present to what I have to spend.  It doesn’t matter that I should be able to have the self-discipline to only use my cards for certain things. What matters is that I know that right now I don’t have that self-discipline.  I can either continue to do what isn’t working or try something different.

I’m willing to make a plan at the beginning of every week that includes the days I’m planning on eating out and telling people what my plan is and asking them to hold me accountable.  I’m asking for people to not ask me to go out to dinner with them at the last minute.  I can have the best of intentions when I go out to eat but the truth is I don’t like “wasting” my money on healthy stuff.  I can either continue to pretend that this isn’t the way I think or adjust.  I’m made myself wrong for having my tendencies.  It’s not wrong.  It just is.  It is exhausting to fight myself day after day to try to hold onto what doesn’t work.  I don’t want to fight myself anymore.  I want to do something different.