Today's lesson in the gospel principle's class was on prayer. On the surface it seems straight forward, you thank God for all of the blessings in your life, you seek His guidance, pray for your friends and neighbors, and even those you do not like. However, when I was sitting there listening to everyone talk about what they've prayed for I realized I'm holding back on my prayers. I have no problem asking God to watch over friends and family that are going through struggles, and some of them have some pretty big struggles, however I keep what I ask for at the surface level. I pray about the irritations of life from day to day, which don't get me wrong are things worth praying about but when it comes down to what I struggle with to the core of my being, I don't pray about those things.
It strikes me as odd that the things I struggle most with are the things that I haven't prayed about. Yes, I have prayed about related things. Things that are an extension of my bigger struggles but never the big things. I wonder why that is. Is it because I don't trust that God will help me overcome these struggles? Is it that I don't think I deserve God's help with these struggles? Why won't I talk to Him about the things that matter most?
Today, there were a few things in the Relief Society lesson on Joseph Smith regarding prayer that stood out to me even though I'd heard one of those things many times before. First, that it was natural for Joseph to seek the lord and go to him in the proper spirit. The second, the one I've heard time and again, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." This was the spirit in which Joseph Smith prayed to God and asked him for guidance as to which church was true. He expected the receive an answer. I am in awe of the strength of his believe that if he just sincerely prayed he would reason an answer. I think that fact that I am amazed by the strength of his faith is the reason I still have trouble praying to God about the big stuff. Isn't it the ultimate show of faith that you turn your biggest struggles over to Him and believe without a doubt that He can help you overcome them. I wish I had Joseph Smith's unwavering faith.
When I think about this, I think it comes down to trust for me. I absoluetly trust that with God all things are possible but I don't trust that 'I' am worthy His help. I guess this is where I need to show Him my faith. There are a couple of verses in Alma Chapter 32 that comes to mind that talks about faith. They are verse 21, 22, and 27, "21 And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are no seen, which are true. 22 And now, behold, I say unto you, and I would that ye should remember, that God is merciful unto all who believe on his name; therefore he desireth, in the first place, that ye should believe, yea, even on his word....27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculities, even to an experiement upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."
Really the entire chapter 32 in Alma means a lot to me but these particular three verses speak the most to me because I do struggle with faith and believing (trusting) in God. To me this is saying that he knows that not everyone can have the unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had always known and that is okay. He says that it's okay if you only desire to believe. Later on in this chaper it talks about how that desire to believe is like a seed and you have to nurture it and let it grow. I think that is where I am. I think I started with a little more than a desire to believe, I did believe, but now I think I'm learning to trust that belief.
I think it's easy for me to ask God to help my friend's and family with their struggles because I know I can not control their struggles but I still have that like death grip on my struggles. If I let them go who knows where it's going to lead me? God knows, but to give Him control scares me. I picture myself standing on a tight rope with God on the other side with His feet firmly planted on the ground reaching out his hand and I'm afraid to take it because I'm afraid I'll fall. I can clearly see him patiently waiting for me to take his hand, I just have to take it.
I tend to get impatient with myself because I wish I didn't struggle with these things. I wish I had that unwavering faith that Joseph Smith had but I also have to remind myself that I'm still learning. That seed is still growing and if I continue to push myself to have more faith and to pray a little deeper I will continue to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God.
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