Today for the first time I really truly appreciated how far I have come in the last 9 months. When I look back on where I was in October of 2010 when I first saw the cardiologist I really can't believe that was me, that was my life. I was literally killing myself. I had high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, my resting heart rate was above 100, my back hurt so bad at times I could barely move, I rarely got up, I hardly ever cooked or cleaned, I slept a lot and even more on the weekends. I was feeling miserable. I was so unhealthy and I felt every bit of it. It hurt to stand for more than five minutes at a time and forget about exercise. I ate fast food almost every night and could feel how much my weight effected my breathing. I didn't want to live.
It's amazing how stunned I was when the cardiologist said that I failed my stress test. I mean it shouldn't have come to a surprise to anyone least of all me. I knew I was doing serious damage to myself and I didn't care. I didn't know how to care. I had the biggest struggle of my life from October until June of 2011 both mentally and physically. I think I had to go through that to actually change. I don't think I would have been able to succeed had I not been introduced to the church. I knew I was lost but I didn't know how to fix my life. I thought it was hopeless and that God couldn't possibly love me.
I know that it isn't a coincidence that my life turned around and got amazingly better after I learned how to have a relationship with God. The weird thing is always knew that was how I was going to fix what was broken but I had no idea how to do it. I'm so grateful every day to Patrick for taking the time to talk to me and tell me about his beliefs. I searched a lot of different churches but never felt like they were right. I didn't think I had anything to lose by hearing him out and then by listening to the missionaries but I didn't think I'd ever, ever join the lds church. I was a shocked as anyone that I found what I had been missing with the church. Life is so totally and completely different now.
Now, my heart feels strong. I'm learning how to cook. I drink plenty of water. I exercise quite often because I like to, not because I have to. I can stand in the kitchen and cut vegetables, wash dishes, and clean up with no pain. I just overall feel healthy. Best of all I feel happy, I feel joy, and I feel peace. I had never felt that way before. It's such an amazing feeling to wake up and my heart feels happy. I remember too many days waking up and my heart felt broken.
It's truly not about the number on the scale. I'm happy, I'm healthy - this is what all of this has been about. I felt that God had a plan for my life that my lifestyle was getting in the way of. When I look back at some of my old post it is very clear that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm moving forward and eventually the scale will catch up. What I've been doing the last 9 months is fixing what was broken inside of me which is way more important than any number on the scale. I feel confident for the first time in my life. Yes, I still have my moments of being insecure but that is to be expected. Everything can't be fixed overnight. I will struggle, I will stumble but as long as I keep moving forward that is all that matters.
I'm hoping maybe now that I see how far I have come it will help me be more at peace with where I am and allow me to keep moving forward to where God is leading me.
No comments:
Post a Comment