The 14th anniversary of the car accident that took my mom and step dad's life is coming up on April 14th. I will never forget that day. It was traumatic. I was the one who got the phone call that my mom had died. I can actually feel the panic I felt when I asked the guy on the phone about my sister and he didn't know where she was. I can still see the look on my grandpa's face when he found out and then having to go tell my aunt and older sister and watch them fall apart was hard.
I didn't really feel much of anything when my mom died. I felt heartless. People would say you must care she is your mother. I cared because my sister Carrie lost her mom and dad and I felt horrible for her, but I didn't really know my mom. How can you be upset about someone you barely knew? What I've learned in the almost 14 years since is it wasn't that simple. When my mom left I was hurt and angry at her but somewhere along the way I had to bury that hurt to survive. I remember sitting in Mrs. Parker's class in 5th grade. My mom had come to visit from South Carolina and had left that morning to go back home. As I was sitting in class I just started bawling. I missed her so much and I didn't want her to leave. I was so embarrassed I swore I'd never cry over her again - and I didn't for 10+ years. Unfortunately this also was the turning point in my relationship with God. I couldn't shut off my feelings for her and be open to God. Plus I blamed God. What was so wrong with me that neither of my parents wanted me? Why would God want me to be alone?
I shut off my feelings for her so completely that when she died I couldn't feel anything for her. I felt like I was heartless. Who doesn't care that your mom died? It's interesting because as young when I decided I had to stop caring about her I knew that having a relationship with God would prevent me from shutting down those feelings. I experienced how true that was a few months ago when I started praying and talking to God again. It felt like a dam broke. I had all of these feels that I had no idea what to do with. I had glimpse of this before when I attempted to lose weight. I didn't really understand it but when I would try to lose weight I'd get so angry, depressed, and suicidal. I had a counselor tell me I had like a script about my mom. She was young, she didn't know how to handle kids, it wasn't her fault. By the counselor said I had no feelings attached to what I was saying.
After I started praying and asking God to help me I got these overwhelming feelings of angry and sadness when I thought about my mom. I finally felt. I didn't care what her excuse for leaving was. She walked away and I was angry at her for doing that. I was angry at her for dying and leaving things unfinished. I was angry at her for there even being a question of whether or not she ever cared about me. I was sad because I would never have a relationship with her. I would never get the chance to know her. I was sad because she was my mom and I loved her so much and she walked away.
I had almost a week where I felt as if she had just died. I've read that you get stuck in the grieving process is you don't go through all of the stages and from what I had experienced I would say that is true. I was never afraid of my feelings as I had been in the past. I knew that it would be ok. It actually felt like a weight had been lifted. I started remembering good things about her and I feel like I was finally able to forgive her.
My aunt (my mom's sister) recently told me that my mom never wanted my sister and I after she and my dad got divorced - she just wanted the money she could get out of my dad and grandparents if she had us. At first I was really hurt by this because it was what I had always feared my mom didn't really love me, but then I thought about it. While it's true I didn't really know her, I believe she was a good person. I believe that she had her issues that she didn't know how to deal with. I don't believe my aunt is correct. I believe that my mom was flawed but she did love me. My aunt has her own issues with my mom so I can't really trust her take on things. It was interesting because when my aunt started talking about my mom I felt something I never felt before - protective. How dare my aunt say such horrible things?! You can do wrong things and still be a good person and I do believe that my mom was a good person.
I feel sad when I think of her but now it's for what will never be. I miss her now more than I ever have. I will never know what it's like to have a mother. It's hard because I see all of these other people with their mothers and I want that, however I am grateful that I finally got to a place of forgiveness with her.
When I think about her I also can't help but wonder about the guy who caused the accident...
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