Change is so hard. I think I'm feeling a little insecure right now with where I fit. I'm not who I was a year ago but I'm still in a transition so I feel like I don't really fit anywhere. I'm trying to be patient and let things happen the way they are meant to happen and not try to force the issue. It's been a challenge because I want to get to where I'm going without taking the steps I need to get there. I know it doesn't work that way but it doesn't make the wait any easier.
I'm also feeling out of sorts because I'm still battling self worth issues. I was doing so good and then my sister freaked out because my grandpa has cancer and attacked me. She says that I've abandoned my grandpa and that I'd probably be happy if he were dead among a lot of other things. I tried to reason with her. I tried to be nice. I didn't react back but in the end for my own sanity I had to tell her to stop contacting me.
I think I make it okay for other people to treat me like crap by taking it out on myself. I don't know if that makes sense. Yes, of course I was ticked at my sister when she began spouting this stuff but I got over being angry at her just not the opinion behind the words. I make excuses for her. She is just doing what she learned. Grandpa would lash out when he was frustrated and say mean things. It doesn't make it right but I can't judge her for it. This issue with my sister pretty much pushed the self preservation button I have. Things have been going so well but in an instant I remembered how people can be and now I don't want to be around people. It's a lot of drama I don't want or need.
My self worth issue is also why I don't know where I fit. I've always believed that life isn't about what you have or what you do but rather it's about the relationships you have. I never fit with my family. A few years back I decided I need to stop the dyfunction. I love my family but I won't live like that anymore. The problem is I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just kind of here and I don't know what to do with that. I feel like I lack purpose.
You have a lot of friends that love you. People are people, we're not perfect. It is easier for us to lash out at the ones we love because they are suppose to love us unconditionally. When someone is mean to me, and I love them, I pray for them. I forgive but do not forget. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable to that person and won't take things personal. The best thing you can do is know that you are a valuable person and that your sister is using you for her punching bag. She need prayer and healing. You can avoid her but ask God to heal her heart.
ReplyDeleteThanks Selina! I try my best with her but I need to set my boundries which is what I was doing.
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